Rib Ticklers

THE BIRDS

Two robins were lying on their backs, basking in the sun.
A mama cat and her kitten were walking by.
The kitten complained, "Mama, I'm sooo hungry, what can we eat?"
To which the mama cat, spying the two robins, replied, "How about some Baskin' Robbins?"

Music Man

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music.
No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads:
Ludwig von Beethoven,1770-1827.
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.
This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.
The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave.
They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously.
*Suspenseful pause*
He's decomposing.

A Man's Viewpoint of Marriage

1) The last fight we had was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

2) In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

3) My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.

4) What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.

5) A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower,"

6) Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two Mother- in-laws.

7) Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

8) A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

9) The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

10) How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

11) Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

12) If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

13) Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

14) A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

15) The bumper sticker read: "I lost 250 pounds in one day, I divorced her."

16) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

Two Engineers

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company.
They both had the same qualifications.
In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.
The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."
"And why would you be doing that?
We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

Basic Truths

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

SEX

Lil' Suzie came up to her dad and asked, "What's sex?"
Her father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she is old enough to ask, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.
He told her about the birds and the bees; the egg and the sperm; and male and female.
When he was finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth pened, so he asked her, "Why did you want to know?"
Lil' Suzie explained, "Mommy told me to come out here and tell you that dinner would be ready in a sec."

TOO LITTLE

A 16-year-old girl bought herself a very tiny bikini.
She went home and put it on, then showed her mother how she looked in it.
She asked, "What do you think mom?"
Her mother replied, "I think that if I had worn that when I was your age, you'd be five years older!"

NATIONALITIES

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian were viewing a painting of Adam and Eve walking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," mused the Brit.
"They must be British!"
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagreed. "They're naked, and so beautiful.
Clearly, they are French!"
"It is obvious they are Russian," argued the Russian.
"They have no clothes and no shelter, they have only an apple to eat, and they are being told this is paradise!"

MEMORIES

Three guys were debating who had the best memory.
The first guy said, "I can remember my first day of kindergarten."
The second said, "Is that all? I can remember speaking my first word!"
Not to be outdone, the third exclaimed, "Hell, that's nothing! I remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mom!"

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