Two robins were lying on their backs, basking in
A mama cat and her kitten were walking by.
complained, "Mama, I'm sooo hungry, what can we eat?"
To which the mama
cat, spying the two robins, replied, "How about some Baskin' Robbins?"
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard
and all of a sudden he hears some music.
No one is around, so he starts
searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is
coming from a grave with a headstone that reads:
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony
and it is being played backward!
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and
persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the
grave, the music has changed.
This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but
like the previous piece, it is being played backward.
Curious, the men
agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the
Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.
The expert notices that the
symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed,
the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread
and a throng has gathered around the grave.
They are all listening to the
Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker
ambles up to the group.
Someone in the group asks him if he has an
explanation for the music.
"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says
A Man's Viewpoint of Marriage
1) The last fight we had was my fault. My wife
asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
2) In the beginning, God created earth and
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
3) My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last
week it took four state troopers and a dog.
4) What is the difference between a dog and a
fox? About 5 drinks.
5) A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman
shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She
looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower,"
6) Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two
7) Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in
some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
8) A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified:
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the
same thing: "You can have mine."
9) The most effective way to remember your wife's
birthday is to forget it once.
10) How do most men define marriage?
expensive way to get laundry done for free.
11) Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men
would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
12) If you want your wife to listen and pay
undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
13) Then there was a man who said, "I never knew
what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too
14) A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how
much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son,
I'm still paying."
15) The bumper sticker read: "I lost 250 pounds
in one day, I divorced her."
16) Women will never be equal to men until they
can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they
Two young engineers applied for a single position
at a computer company.
They both had the same qualifications.
to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test
by the Department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men missed
only one of the questions.
The manager went to the first applicant and
said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the
"And why would you be doing that?
We both got 9
questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our
decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than
the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
"Simple," said the Department
manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You
put down, 'Neither do I.'"
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a
On the other hand, you have different
Change is inevitable, except from a vending
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you
say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how
it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Lil' Suzie came up to her dad and asked, "What's
Her father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but
decided that if she is old enough to ask, then she is old enough to get a
He told her about the birds and the bees; the egg and the
sperm; and male and female.
When he was finished explaining, the little
girl was looking at him with her mouth pened, so he asked her, "Why did you
want to know?"
Lil' Suzie explained, "Mommy told me to come out here and
tell you that dinner would be ready in a sec."
A 16-year-old girl bought herself a very tiny
She went home and put it on, then showed her mother how she looked
She asked, "What do you think mom?"
Her mother replied, "I
think that if I had worn that when I was your age, you'd be five years older!"
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian were viewing a
painting of Adam and Eve walking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their
reserve, their calm," mused the Brit.
"They must be British!"
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagreed. "They're naked, and so beautiful.
Clearly, they are French!"
"It is obvious they are Russian," argued the
"They have no clothes and no shelter, they have only an apple to
eat, and they are being told this is paradise!"
Three guys were debating who had the best memory.
The first guy said, "I can remember my first day of kindergarten."
second said, "Is that all? I can remember speaking my first word!"
be outdone, the third exclaimed, "Hell, that's nothing! I remember going to the
senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mom!"