A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to
the people mentioned in the will:
"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood
by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave the house and $2 million."
The lawyer continued,
"To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in
sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1
The lawyer concluded,
"And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me,
argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well
you are wrong.
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental
hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a
bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his
Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that
you're ready to go home." he said.
"I'm only sorry that the man you saved
later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill
himself," Mr. James replied.
"I hung him up to dry."
A brunette goes into a doctor's office:
Brunette: Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me.
Doctor: Well, tell me
Brunette: Well, everything hurts.
When I touch my nose
it hurts (touching nose), when I touch my leg it hurts (touching leg), when I
touch my arm it hurts (touching arm), it just hurts everywhere!
(after looking at her for a second):
Did you used to be a blonde?
Brunette: Why yes!
Doctor: Your finger's broken.
A window salesman phoned a customer.
Mr. Brown," said the sales rep.
> "I'm calling because our company
replaced all the windows in your house with our triple-glazed weather-tight
windows over a year ago, and you still haven't sent us a single payment."
The customer replied, "But you said they'd pay for THEMSELVES in 12 months."
Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain.
This captain was very successful at what he did;
for years he guided
merchant ships all over the world.
Never did stormy seas or pirates get the
best of him.
He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.
However, there was one thing different about this captain.
Every morning he
went through a strange ritual.
He would lock himself in his captain's
quarters and open a small safe.
In the safe was an envelope with a piece of
He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back
Afterwards, he would go about his daily duties.
For years this went
on, and his crew became very curious.
Was it a treasure map? Was it a
letter from a long lost love?
Everyone speculated about the contents of the
One day the captain died at sea.
the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the
He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and...
The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others.
words were on the paper; two lines with two words each:
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the
third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.
To show off,
the Engineer called to his dog.
"T-square, do your stuff."
trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a
circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his dog could do better.
He called his dog
and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out into the
kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles
of 3 cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist
said his dog could do better.
He called his dog and said, "Measure, do
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart
of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces
without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was good.
Then the three
men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?
Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, pooped on
the paper, chased the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while
doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for
Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
We were seated at the dinner table, my wife, my
daughter Bette (about 7), my son "Jimbo" (about 4), and myself.
dinner, my wife and I had noticed how well the kids were getting along that
none of the usual bickering, picking at each other.
were just about finished eating, my son suddenly said, "I love Bette!
I grow up, I'm gonna marry her!"
Well, my mind started spinning! I
"Oh no, how am I gonna explain this to a 4-year-old?"
then Bette, with all the childlike simplicity that only a 7-year-old possesses,
saved the day by saying,
"Oh no, we couldn't do that, Jimbo!
then our kids would only have one set of grandparents!"
The Farmers Daughter's
There was a farmer that had four daughters.
One night he heard a knock at the door and found a young man standing
The young man said,
"My name is Feddy.
I've come to pick up
We're going out for spaghetti.
I hope she's ready."
farmer thought that this was cute so he let them go out.
Pretty soon there
was another knock at the door and another young man was there. He said,
name is Vance.
I've come for Nance.
We're going to a dance.
ready by chance?"
Again the farmer thought this was cute and let them go.
Soon another knock on the door with yet another young man standing there.
"My name is Moe.
I'm here to get Flo.
We're going to a
Is she ready to go?"
Again the farmer was amused and let them
Again there was a knock on the door and a young man was standing there.
"My name is Chuck."
The farmer shot him.
ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION?
A professor is giving the first year medical
students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few
basics before starting.
"You must be capable of two things to do an
The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear."
this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then
He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses
in front of them.
After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.
"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation:
stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus,
but I licked my index."
REPLYING TO AN INVITATION TO A SCIENTIST'S BALL
Ampere was worried he wasn't current.
Audobon said he'd have to wing it.
Boyle said he was under too much
Darwin waited to see what evolved.
Descartes said he'd
think about it.
Dr Jekyll declined-he hadn't been feeling himself lately.
Edison thought it would be illuminating.
Einstein thought it would be
relatively easy to attend.
Gauss was asked to attend because of his
Hawking tried to string enough time together to make
space in his schedule.
Heisenberg was uncertain that he could make it.
Hertz said in the future he planned to attend with greater frequency.
Mendel said he'd put some things together and see what came out.
Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now, must dash."
Newton planned to drop in.
Ohm resisted the idea.
Pavlov was drooling
at the thought.
Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?
the whole idea was loco.
Volta was electrified, and Archimedes buoyant at
Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.
Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.
A customer was continually bothering the waiter in
first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up
because he was too hot,
then he asked it be turned down because he was too
cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very
patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry.
So finally, a
second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.
"Oh I don't
care." said the waiter with a smile.
"We don't even have an air
Just after the maid had been fired, she took five
bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog.
why by her former employer, she answered,
"I never forget a friend.
This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!"
Sermon on Lying
A minister told his congregation,
"Next week I
plan to preach about the sin of lying.
To help you understand my sermon, I
want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to
deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands.
He wanted to
know how many had read Mark 17.
Every hand went up.
The minister smiled
"Mark has only sixteen chapters.
I will now proceed with my
sermon on the sin of lying."
One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian
walked into a pub together.
They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt
Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in
each of their pints.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in
The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and
continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Canadian picked the
fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling,
IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"
A police officer stops a gal for speeding and asks
her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I
wish you guys could get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my
license and now today you expect me to show it to you."
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just
before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet
Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "Because people are
Once upon a time there was a blonde. She had long,
blonde hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she
decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and
bought a new convertible.
She went driving down a country road and came
across a herd of sheep.
She stopped and called the sheepherder over.
"That's a nice flock of sheep.", she said.
"Well thank you.", said the
"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you.", said the
"Okay.", replied the herder.
"If I can guess the exact
number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?", asked the woman.
"Sure.", said the sheepherder. So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a
second and then replied, "382".
"Wow.", said the herder. "That is
exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home."
So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Upon watching this,
the herder approached the woman and offered, "Okay, now I have a proposition
"What is it?", queried the woman.
"If I can guess
the real color of your hair... can I have my dog back?"