April - Fools Day

These are supposedly actual answering machine announcements.

1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
4. Hi. Now you say something.
5. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
6. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?
7. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner!
8. Hi! John's answering machine is broken This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
10. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.
11. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
12. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
13. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
15. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

A Texan dies and goes to hell. While down there the devil notices that the Texan is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauges and sees that it's 100 degrees and about 80% humidity. So he goes over to the Texan and asks why he's so happy.
The Texan says, "I really like it here. The temperature is just like Dallas in June."
The devil isn't happy with the Texan's answer and decides to fix him, so he goes over and turns up the temperature to 120 degrees and the humidity to 90%.
After turning everything up he goes looking for the Texan.
He finds him standing around unbuttoning his shirt, just as happy as can be.
The devil quizzes the Texan again as to why he's so happy.
The Texan says, "This is even better. It's like Houston in July."
The devil, now really upset, decides to make the Texan really understand that hell is no paradise.
He walks over to the controls and turns the heat up to 140 degrees and the humidity to 100%.
"Now let's see what the Texan is up to," he thinks.
So he goes looking for the Texan. The devil finds the Texan taking his shirt off basking in the heat, even happier than before.
The devil can't figure it out. He asks the Texan why he's happy now.
The Texan replies, "This is great, it's just like Brownsville in August."
The devil says, "That's it, I'll get this guy."
He walks over and turns the temperature down to a freezing 25 degrees below zero.
"Now let's see what the Texan has to say about this," the devil thinks to himself.
He looks around and finds the Texan jumping up and down for joy.
"What are you so happy about now," ask the devil.
Still excited, the Texan replies, "The Rangers have finally won the world series!"

HYMNS

The pastor announced something new and different for the sermon was being tried. After saying a word, the congregation would sing a verse from a hymn that the word brought to mind.
The minister began:
"Cross" .....the congregation sang, "The Old Rugged Cross"
"Grace".....the congregation sang, "Amazing Grace"
"Power".....the congregation sang,"Power in the Blood"
"Sex" ....... absolute silence.........not a word from anyone.
There they sat in silence while looking back and forth at one another, not knowing what to do. Then, from the back of the church, an 87 year old woman stood up and started singing.......
"Precious Memories."

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St.. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer--you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake! He should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of the country.
An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court. Custody of the children was a problem, though.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children.
The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and said,
"Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

A woman went to the beach with her children. Her 4-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead seagull lay in the sand.
"Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked.
"He died and went to heaven," she replied.
The child thought for a moment and said, "And God threw him back down?"

A priest, a drunkard, and an engineer are being led to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.
The authorities take this as devine intervention and release the priest.
Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.
So they release the drunkard as well. The engineer is next.
He too decides to die face up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer says,"Hey, I see what your problem is."

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?
Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" He asks.
Well, his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick a pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning.
Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says " Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

MIRAMICHI RULES OF ETIQUETTE

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles - even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is > impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Things you'd love to say at work, but can't.

And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
Do I look like a people person?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
You!... Off my planet!
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

RULES THAT GUYS WISHED WOMEN KNEW

1. Crying is blackmail.
2. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument..
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
11. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up put it down.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Sunday = Sports
18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.
23. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
24. You have enough clothes.
25. Nothing says "I love you" like sex.

Two state employees were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.
The other nut, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!"
The second got completely upset and yelled, "You MORON!!! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!!"

Only in Canada can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Canada are there handicapped parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in Canada do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Canada do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in Canada do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Canada do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in Canada do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in Canada do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in Canada do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Deliverance

REDNECK BUBBA DIED IN A FIRE AND WAS BURNT PRETTY BAD THE MORGUE NEEDED SOMEONE TO IDENTIFY THE BODY, SO THEY SENT HIS TWO BEST FRIENDS DARYL AND GOMER.
DARYL WENT IN AND THE MORTICIAN PULLED BACK THE SHEET.
DARYL SAID,"YUP, HE'S BURNT PRETTY BAD. ROLL HIM OVER."
THE MORTICIAN ROLLED HIM OVER AND DARYL LOOKED AND SAID, "NOPE, AIN'T BUBBA."
THE MORTICIAN THOUGHT THAT WAS RATHER STRANGE. THEN HE BROUGHT GOMER IN TO IDENTIFY THE BODY.
GOMER TOOK A LOOK AND SAID, "YUP, HE'S BURNT REAL BAD, ROLL HIM OVER".
THE MORTICIAN ROLLED HIM OVER AND GOMER LOOKED DOWN AND SAID, "NO, IT AIN'T BUBBA."
THE MORTICIAN ASKED, "HOW CAN YOU TELL?"
GOMER SAID, "WELL, BUBBA HAD TWO ASSHOLES."
"WHAT? HE HAD TWO ASSHOLES?", SAID THE MORTICIAN.
"YUP, EVERYONE IN TOWN KNEW HE HAD TWO ASSHOLES.
EVERY TIME WE WENT TO TOWN, FOLKS WOULD SAY, HERE COMES BUBBA WITH THEM TWO ASSHOLES."

A farmer walks into an attorney's office to file for a divorce...
Attorney: "May I help you??"
Farmer: "Yeah, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
Attorney: "Well, do you have any grounds?"
Farmer: "Yeah, I got about 140 acres."
Attorney: "No, you don't understand. Do you have a case?"
Farmer: "No, I don't have a Case, but I got a John Deere."
Attorney: "No, you still don't understand! I mean do you have a grudge?"
Farmer: "Yeah I got a grudge! That's where I park my John Deere."
Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
Farmer: "Yes, sir, I got a suit! I wear it to church on Sundays."
Attorney: "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
Farmer: "Nope, we both get up about 4:30."
Attorney: "Okay, let me put it this way... why do you want a divorce?"
Farmer: "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a woman rushed to help him.
When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.
At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

©WebWise Inc.