May - 1 Year Jokes

The first grade concert is fast approaching and Johnny still hasn't decided what he'll perform.
Little Mary will perform a piano solo, Timmy will recite a poem, but Johnny can't come up with anything!
Finally, his frustrated teacher is relieved when Johnny tells her he has finally got his act together.
Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall and watch as Mary, in her prettiest dress, tinkles the ivories to rapturous applause ...
Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to the delight of the audience.
Finally, out comes Johnny, in check shirt and denim overalls. He steps up to the microphone and announces ...
"Ladies and Gentlemen. I am going to do impressions. My uncle owns a farm and every holiday I visit him there.
Tonight, I would like to share with you my impression of some of the many sounds I hear on my uncle's farm.
Here is the first ...
'JOHNNY! GET YOUR BUTT OFF THAT BLASTED TRACTOR!'"

One day a salesman stopped by the Jammer Jones farm, knocked, and Jammer's wife Frannie came to the door.
"Is your husband home, Ma'am?" he asked.
"Sure is. He's over to the cow barn."
"Well, I got something to show him, Ma'am. Will I have any difficulty finding him?"
"Shouldn't have any difficulties...
He's the one with the beard and mustache."

Two Newfies Bear Hunting

Two newfies bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.
He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside,
"You skin this one while I go and get another!"

This is a psych test :

There are five things going on simultaneously which need to be taken care of:

1. The telephone is ringing.
2. The baby is crying.
3. Someone knocks at the front door or rings the doorbell.
4. There is laundry hanging on the line outside and it begins to rain.
5. The water faucet in the kitchen is running.

In what order do you take care of the problems?
Jot down your order, and scroll down after you've made your decision.






scrolling...






Each represents something in your life. Don't cheat.









1. The phone represents...... your job or career.
2. The baby represents...... your family.
3. The visitor represents......your friends.
4. The laundry represents...... your sex life.
5. The running water represents...... money or wealth.
Makes you think, eh???
Hmmmmmmm How close did this test match your priorities in Life?

Great Truths About Life Adults Have Learned

1. Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.
2. There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.
5. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
6. Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.
7. Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
8. My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
9. If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
10. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

The annual "Just For Laughs" festival has just ended in Montreal, and the Montreal Gazette Newspaper printed the top 50 jokes from the various shows.

1. (On going to war over religion:) "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." - Rich Jeni
2. "I used to smoke pot until I came to the conclusion...what was that conclusion, anyway?" - Rich Jeni
3. (On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars. - Jeff Green
4. "Women like posh hotels; there's more for them to steal. Take them to a posh hotel and they all turn into the Artful Dodger. - Jeff Green
5. "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on Me. And let there be lawyers. so people don't blame everything on Satan.'" - John Wing
6. "What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'" - Francois Morency
7. "The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'" - Rich Jeni
8. "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." - Tim Steeves
9. "I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a >black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know." - Franck Dubosc
10. "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships. - Jimmy Shubert
11. "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane : Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do. - Rich Jeni
12. "I was born in Nicaragua and I felt there wasn't enough political instability in my life. So I moved to Quebec." - Marta Chaves
13. "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." - Gary Valentine
14. "To make a long story short, Rhett and Scarlett split up in the end." - Flacco
15. (On American broadcasters' decision to make the puck in NHL hockey broadcasts glow) "Apparently the black puck on the white ice wasn't contrast enough. That's funny, because Americans don't usually have trouble distinguishing black from white." - Tim Steeves
16. "My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said : 'Well, whose fault is that?'" - Emo Philips
17. (On the 1-800 hotline number on a jar of pickles) "Who the hell's got pickle questions?" - Tim Steeves
18. (On the necessity of having a 24-hour pickle hotline) "You got brine problems that can't wait until morning?" - Tim Steeves
19. "Id like to help the homeless, but they're never home." - Lenny Clarke
20. "My girlfriend always laughs during sex--no matter what she's reading." - Emo Philips
21. "What's with squeegee kids? I mean, they don't really wash the windshield, do they? They simply redistribute the dirt." - Ken Scott
22. "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets a blowjob, no matter how bad it is." - Lenny Clarke
23. "I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their house has wheels." - Carlos Mencia
24. "They had things on the Brady Bunch that I never saw in my house. Breakfast, for example. - Rich Jeni
25. "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." - Emo Philips
26. "The difference between Charles Manson and every woman I've dated is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut the first time you meet him." - Rich Jeni
27. "Montreal's not a city. It's a Disney World for alcoholics." - Mike Wilmot
28. "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" - Emo Philips
29. "I carry Montreal with me wherever I go. I have chunks of poutine in my arteries." - Marta Chaves
30. "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." - Rich Jeni
31. "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black mps." - Rene Hicks
32. "The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key." - Ronnie Edwards
33. "Like my father, I, too, was born in Central America - Nebraska." - Carlos Mencia
34. "Things you'll never hear a woman say : 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'" - Jeff Green
35. (On why the side-effects of drugs are always negative) "It's never 'positive sexual side-effects.' It's never 'gigantism.' is it?" - Tim Steeves
36. "What's with the warning 'May contain some nudity?' Well, I have to know for sure." - Tim Steeves
37. "And then there's the diner who asks if the fish at a restaurant is fresh. What are they going to tell you? 'No, it's four days old and stinks to high heaven.'" - Jean-Marie Bigard
38. "When I was young, my father had a serious heart attack. He survived, but we lost our house and car. Under the Canadian Medicare system, though, we would have kept the house and car and would have just had to pay the inheritance tax." - Emo Philips
39. "Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts working on you, go limp and soil yourself." - Mike Wilmot
40. "In Texas, if your name is Carlos, you're a Mexican. In Florida, you're a Cuban. In New York, you're a Puerto Rican. And I come here and I find out I'm an Eskimo." - Carlos Mencia
41. "Why do people suck in their stomachs in when they weigh themselves? So they can see the scale." - Marta Chaves
42. "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves. - Emo Philips
43. "My parents saw the president they loved get shot in the head." I saw my president get head." - Elon Gold
44. "I'm the second-most-famous person from Timmins, Ontario.- after Shania Twain. That's like being the second-most-famous person from Bethlehem. No one cares about Duncan of Bethlehem." - Derek Edwards
45. "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." - Kevin James
46. (On how a full-bodied sort of dad keeps his children fit and trim) "I like to promote fitness by walking around home in my underwear." - Mike Wilmot
47. (On trying to be a good husband by accompanying his wife to parties) "Just before we go in she turns to me and says, 'Don't drink too much, don't eat too fast, and...' Oh, man. So why bring me?" (Then on departing) "She turned to me and said, 'How could you embarrass me like that in front of all my friends?' So I pointed out to her that it was *me* who vomited." - John Ljungberg
48. "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." - Emo Philips
49. "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Rich Jeni
50. "Does Tampax really need is own Web site? 'My cramps are killing me. I'd better head over to the maxi-pad chat room.'" - Elvira Kurt

Q: What's the best way to kill a man?
A: Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women:....
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

How many of these can you remember?

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7 Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P. F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive - 6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers


If you remembered 0-5 You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 Don't tell your age
If you remembered 16-25 You're older than dirt!

Today is the first day of the rest of your life -- Spend it wisely!

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!"
Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!"
Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!"
Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!"
And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

A young lad's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment.
Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.
The boy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part.
"I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son.
Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

American Football

At a college somewhere in the good ol' US of A, a football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said,
"I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."
The player agreed, so coach looked into his eyes intently and asked,
"Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this.
What is two plus two?"
The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?"

Excited that his star had gotten right, the coach exclaimed, "Did you say 4?"
Suddenly all the other players on the team began screaming...,
"Come on coach, give him another chance!"

THINGS MEN KNOW!

Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.
Men know that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house.
Men know that if she looks like your mother, run.
Men know that there are at least three sides to every story:
his, hers, and the truth.
Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.
Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.
Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.
Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.
Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.
Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage.
Men also know that the woman will get pissed off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.
Men know that the reason men don't like cats is because they don't know how to cook them.

PROUD ROOSTER

A clergyman had just enjoyed a hearty chicken dinner at the home of a rural parishioner.
Gazing out the window, he remarked: "That rooster seems a mighty proud and happy bird."
"He should," the host replied.
"His oldest son just entered the ministry."

THE FUNERAL

A new minister in a small Oklahoma town spent the first four days desperately calling on the membership, begging them to come to his first services ... He failed.
He placed a notice in the local newspapers, stating that as the church was dead, it was his duty to give it a decent Christian burial. The funeral would be held the following Sunday afternoon, the notice said.
Morbidly curious the whole town turned out. In front of the pulpit, they saw a high coffin, smothered in flowers.
The minister read the obituary and delivered a eulogy; he then invited his congregation to step forward and pay their respects to the dearly beloved who had departed.
The long line filed by.
Each mourner peeped into the coffin and then turned away with a guilty, sheepish look.
For in the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror.
Everyone saw himself.

FOR THE SAKE OF ARGUMENT

Four members of the clergy had a theological argument, with three male ministers siding against the female minister.
The woman prayed, "Lord, I know I'm right. Please send us a divine sign to prove it."
A big storm cloud materialized, and there was a clap of thunder.

"See," said the woman. "It's a sign from above."
The three clergymen disagreed, saying thunder is a common phenomenon.
"Dear Lord," the woman prayed, "I need a bigger sign."
This time, a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree.
"See! I told you I was right," the woman said.
But the men insisted nothing had happened that couldn't be explained by natural causes.
"Help me, Lord," the woman implored.
And a deep voice came from the heavens: "SSSHHHEEE'S RIIIGGGHHHTTT!"
The woman turned to the three clergymen and asked, "Well?"
"So, okay," they said.
"Now it's three against two."

"Don't Eat Bananas" -

Two blondes were riding a train for the first time. They had brought along a bag of bananas for lunch. Just as one bit into her banana, the train entered a tunnel under a mountain.
In the darkness, she asked the other, "Did you take a bite of your banana?"
"No."
"Well, don't. I did and I just went blind."

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