June - Summer Puns

Three dogs were strolling down the street when they chanced upon the most beautiful French poodle any of them had ever seen. They immediately surrounded her, moony-eyed, grinning goofy dog grins. And with one voice, all three asked her for a date.
With a coquettish sideways glance, the poodle said, "I like a man with some brains. I'll go out with whoever can use the word 'liver' and the word 'cheese' together in the most intelligent, interesting sentence."
The bulldog shoved his way forward. "I like liver and cheese!" he said proudly.
The poodle rolled her eyes. "That's it? That's the best you can do? Next!"
The Labrador Retriever bounded forward, his tongue lolling. "I -- uh -- I HATE liver and cheese?" he said.
The poodle snorted in disgust. "Puh-leese!" she said. "Am I going to eat alone tonight?"
The Chihuahua, who had been quietly biding his time, sidled up. With a sly grin, he said, "Liver alone, fellas. Cheese mine!"

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

A Post Office worker at the main sorting office finds an unstamped, poorly hand-written envelope addressed to God. He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed because some thief robbed her of 100 dollars.
She will be cold and hungry for the rest of the month if she doesn't receive some divine intervention.
The worker organizes a collection amongst the other postal workers, who dig deep and come up with 96 dollars.
They get it to her by special courier the same morning.
A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same hand on another envelope.
He opens it and reads: "Dear God, Thank you for the 100 dollars. This month would have been so bleak otherwise.
"P.S. It was four dollars short but that was probably those thieving bastards at the Post Office."

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.


An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"

A wise school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.

Don't Slam That Door,,,,,,

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them.
She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message, and slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said,
"Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat."

More Beer, please,,,,,,,,,,

A man walked into Desperados Saturday night and asked the bartender for a beer.

After drinking it, he looked in his shirt pocket and asked for another beer.

After drinking that one, he looked in his shirt pocket again and asked for another beer.

This happened another seven times before the bartender asked him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"


"I have a picture of my wife in there," said the man.

"When she looks good enough, I'll go home."

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases. She says, "I want the house."
Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too."
The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too."
The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"

Does A Double Positive Equal A Negative?

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class. "In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right."

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of wheat on the road. The farmer that lived nearby came to investigate. "Hey, Willis," he called out, "forget your troubles for a while and come and have dinner with us. Then I'll help you overturn the wagon."
"That's very nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Dad would like me to."
"Aw, come on, son!" the farmer insisted.
"Well, OK," the boy finally agreed, "but Dad won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked the host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Dad's going to be real upset."
"Don't be silly!" said the neighbor.
"By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon," replied Willis.

I have learned that, if you upset your wife she nags you.... If you upset her even more, you get the silent treatment.

Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?

Life Science Final Exam

The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.
So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers.

No Pets Allowed!

The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead."
They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?"
The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK then, come on in."
The buddy with the Chihuahua figured he'd try it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar.
He knew his story would be a bit more unbelievable.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?!? A Chihuahua?!?
They gave me a damn Chihuahua??

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it )

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
( Now that's more like it )

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
( OMG! )

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
( In my next life I want to be a pig )

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
( Still not over that pig thing. )

A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.
( Creepy! )

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to it's body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
( "Honey, I'm home. What the....." )

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
( I still want to be a pig in my next life. Quality over quantity. )

Butterflies taste their own feet.
( Something I always wanted to know. )

Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
( OK, so that would be a good thing.... )

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
( I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
( I know some people like that too. )

Polar bears are left handed.
( Who knew...? Who cares! )

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
( What about the pig? )

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colours
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
AND.... The Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN

Subject: Air Disaster in the Atlantic Canada's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Newfoundland.

Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

The long awaited 1999 Darwin "Natural Selection" Awards - Criminal Category have been released! These awards are given each year to bestow upon that individual, who through isolation by incarceration, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.

RUNNER-UP # 8 Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

RUNNER-UP # 7 A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.


RUNNER-UP # 6 San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of america and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left.The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

RUNNER-UP # 5 From England: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for 40 Pounds and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of 40 Pounds. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture... of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.

RUNNER-UP # 4 Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.

RUNNER-UP # 3 Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant District Attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "If I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence.


RUNNER-UP # 2 Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer felon-location equipment to children in a Detroit neighbourhood. When he asked how the system worked,the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

RUNNER-UP # 1 Another from Detroit: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

THE WINNER A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued....and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

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