July - Laugh
An 80 year old man goes to his doctor for his
annual check up. When the doctor was finished, he said, "You are in very good
shape. Is there anything else I can do for you?"
The old man replied, "I
want to have a sperm count done."
The doctor asked why a man his age would
want a sperm count.
The old man said, "I just do."
The doctor gave him
a specimem bottle and sent him home. When the old man came back, The doctor
asked him how it went. The old man gave the doctor the bottle. The doctor
looked at the bottle and it was empty. The doctor asked him what was the
The old man replied:
"I tried with my left hand.
with my right hand.
My wife she tried with her left hand.
with her right hand.
She tried with her teeth in.
She tried with her
and we still could not get the top off the bottle."
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an
aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Women over 50 don't have babies
because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
of life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five
My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you
don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the
tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept
rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You hang
something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!
A married couple were asleep when the
phone rang at 2 in the morning, the wife (undoubtedly blonde also), picked up
the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles
from here!"and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I
don't know, some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.
Two blondes are walking down the street: One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it; looks in the mirror and
says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me
see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the
mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
A blonde suspects her
boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his
apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of
a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out
the gun, and as she does so she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and
puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde
replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
A blonde was bragging about
her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know
all of them." A friend says, O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde
replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
What did the blonde say to her
doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"
blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she
managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying
fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped.
"Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you
OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped." Well, how in the
world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along
this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I
swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and
there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I
swerved to the left and there was..." "Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting
her off ... "there isn't any tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air
freshener swinging back and forth."
Returning home from work,
a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She
telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher
broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the
first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a
leash, the blonde ran out on the porch,shuddered at the sight of the cop and
his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,
"I come home to find all my possessions stolen. call the police for help, and
what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman
GREAT and FUNNY Quotes !!
Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word
meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the
dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've
thought of that!"
According to a new survey, women say
they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing
in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of
course, men are just grateful.
Robert De Niro
I am not the boss of
my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't
think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it.
In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder
Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention
to women's breasts?
When the sun comes up, I have morals
There's very little advice in men's
magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do.
Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody
Instead of getting married again, I'm going
to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.
I've always wanted to have someone to hold,
someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind.
> If I
get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your Sister.
Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, though, would you like to
take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.
were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I
think it's time you kept your promise.
Looking back over the years
that we've been together, I can't help butwonder-what the heck was I thinking?
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to
ruin it for me
I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well
respected. And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly.
Sex with you is like using drugs-lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid
enough to admit it.
The holidays are a great time to be with family.
Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving
in with my sister, you cheating ass.
> I must admit, you brought
religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you.
have been friends for a very long time. Let's say we call it quits.
I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
If you ever
need a friend ... buy a dog.
Congratulations on your new bundle of
joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?
The Cardinal rushes in to the Pope's private room.
"Your Holiness" he cries "I have good news and I have bad news"
me the good news first" says the Pontiff "I could use some"
alive. He's here on earth, and he is on the phone for you in the next
"What's the bad news?"
"He's calling from Salt Lake City!"
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at
the Gates of Heaven.
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her,
she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all
around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died
before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her-
are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you."
When Saint Peter
came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
the woman asked.
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint
Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About six months later, Saint Peter came to
the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While
the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
surprised to see you," the woman said.
"How have you been?"
been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.
the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I
won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big
mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation
and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How
do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
word?", her husband asked.
An Alabama State Trooper pulls over a pickup truck
He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "'bout
Slogans for Women's T-shirts
1. So many men, so few who can afford me.
God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
3. If they don't have
chocolate in heaven, I am not going.
4. At my age, I've seen it all, done
it all, heard it all...I just can't remember it all.....
5. My mother is a
travel agent for guilt trips.
6. Princess, having had sufficient
experience with princes,seeks frog.
7. Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some
things are just better rich.
8. Don't treat me any differently than you
would the Queen.
9. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
10. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
11. It's hard to
be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
12. I'm out of estrogen -
and I have a gun.
13. Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?
14. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
15. I hate everybody...and you're next.
16. And your point is...?
17. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're
18. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.
20. Do NOT
start with me. You will NOT win.
21. You have the right to remain silent,
so please SHUT UP.
22. All stressed out and no one to choke.
one of those bad things that happen to good people.
24. How can I miss you
if you won't go away?
25. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
27. Don't upset me! I'm
running out of places to hide the bodies.
A college student with a young child was pleased
when her daughter became eligible to attend the day care center at the
University. The director of the day care gave the mother a tour of the
facilities. To assure herself of the center's high standards, the young mother
asked about the curriculum.
"Well," said the director, eyes twinkling,
"today we are studying the children's favorite philosopher:
A blonde decided to decorate her bedroom. She
wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need but he knew that her
friend (also a blonde) next door had recently done the same job and the two
rooms were identical in size.
"Buffy," she said, "How many rolls of
wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten," said Buffy.
blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but had 2 rolls left
"Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom,
but I've got 2 left over!"
"Yes," said Buffy. "So did I."
Down East Jokes
On the road in Cape Breton One hundred Cape
Bretoner's are traveling on a bus heading towards Edmonton, AB, they pass a
sign that says Maximum 90, 10 of them jump out.
There was a serious accident on a boulevard in St. John's. A Constab officer
was taking a report of the major accident which left one man in pieces. He was
writing the report and talking to himself. He said: Fingers found in front seat
of wrecked car, feet found in trunk of car and head found on boluva....hmmm....
head found on boluvar.....b.o.l.u.v.a...... He gave a giant kick and stated
"head found in ditch!""
Newfoundland Moose Hunters
Two Newfies are
moose hunting all day, finally they shoot a moose. They start dragging it out
of the bush but are having a hard time. Finally a fellow hunter comes up and
says "Hey you know if you drag the moose the other way with the grain of the
fur it will be a lot easier. The two newfies say "Hey good idea! So they start
dragging it the other way, well about 2 hours later one newfie looks at the
other and say " Hey this was a good idea, it is easier this way. The other
newfie say, "Yeah but we keep getting further away from the truck.
TWO NEWFOUNDLANDERS VISIT MONTREAL
Two brothers from Cupids are visiting Montreal.
While on their visit, one of the brothers says to the other:"Hey, we gotta get
a gift for mom!" So they walk in to the nearest Zeller's and look around.
Finally, they decide to check out the bathroom accessories. They spot a
beautiful toilet set, you know, those plushy toilet seat covers and the little
carpet that goes around the toilet. They choose a pink set with a little rose
in the middle. They wrap it up and mail it to their mother in Newfoundland.
They continue their trip and finally head back home. When they get to their
house, their mother is waiting for them with a big smile on her face.
"My dear boys, she says, I got your lovely gift, thank you!"
"How do you
like it?", says one of the brothers.
"Oh! juste great" answers the mother.
The cape is just perfect, but the beret is a little too big for my head."
Agony of 'da feet II
A young Newfoundlander, leaving home for a one
week visit to Toronto, was told by his mother to put on clean socks every day.
By the end of the week he couldn't get his boots on.
Newfoundland Computer Lingo
1.Log on: Make the wood stove hotter
off: Don't add no more wood
3.Monitor: Keep an eye on that wood stove
4.Download: Getting the firewood off the truck
5.Floppy Disk: What you
fet from trying to carry to much firewood
6.Ram: The thing that splits the
7.Hard Drive: Getting home in the winter
another log on the fire"
9.Window: What to shut when it's cold outside
10.Screen: What to shut in fly season
11.Byte: What flies do
12.Bit: What the flies did
13:Mega Byte: What BIG flies do
Munchies when monitoring
15.Micro Chip: What's left after you eat the chips
16.Modem: What you did to the hay fields
17.Dot Matrix: Old Dan
18.Lap top: Where kitty sleeps
19.Software: The dumb
plastic knives and forks they give you at the Big R
stainless steel cutlery
21.Mouse: What eats the grain in the barn
22.Main Frame: What holds up the barn
23.Enter: City talk for "Come on
24.Web: The things spiders makes
25.Web Site: The barn or
26.Cursor: Someone who swears a lot
27.Search Engine: What you do
when the car dies
28.Screen Saver: A repair kit for the torn window screen
29.Home Page: A map you keep in your back pocket just in case you get lost
when picking burries
30.Upgrade: Driving up Barters' Hill
The Mrs. at Donovan's who brings the jigs' dinner
32.Mail Server: The guy
at Big R with grade 8 who brings fish
33.MS-DOS: Some new disease they
34.Sound Card: One of them technological birthday cards that
35*User: Buddy down your street who keeps coming over borrowing
36.Browser: What they call you when your eyebrows grow together
37.Network: When you have to repair your fishin net
Where the fish get caught
39.Netscape: When a fish gets away
40.On-line: When you gets the laundry on the washline
the clothespins let go and the laundry falls on the ground
A kilted Scotsman
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path
after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. As he wandered
down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, his back against
a tree. As he slept, two young female French tourists walked down the road and
heard the Scotsman snoring loudly.When they came to the source of it, one said,
"I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt." So she boldly
walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided
him with. Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us! Let's
thank him for the education!" Whereupon, she took a pretty blue ribbon from her
hair and gently tied it around what nature had provided to the Scotsman.
Sometime later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He walked
around to the other side of the tree, raised his kilt and bewilderment filled
his mind at the sight of the bright blue ribbon tied neatly in a bow. After
several moments passed, he said, "I donna know where y'been lad...but it's nice
ta'see y'won first prize!"