July - Laugh Fest

Sperm Count"

An 80 year old man goes to his doctor for his annual check up. When the doctor was finished, he said, "You are in very good shape. Is there anything else I can do for you?"
The old man replied, "I want to have a sperm count done."
The doctor asked why a man his age would want a sperm count.
The old man said, "I just do."
The doctor gave him a specimem bottle and sent him home. When the old man came back, The doctor asked him how it went. The old man gave the doctor the bottle. The doctor looked at the bottle and it was empty. The doctor asked him what was the matter.
The old man replied:
"I tried with my left hand.
I tried with my right hand.
My wife she tried with her left hand.
She tried with her right hand.
She tried with her teeth in.
She tried with her teeth out,
and we still could not get the top off the bottle."

Women's Thoughts:

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!

Blonde Bonanza

ONE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning, the wife (undoubtedly blonde also), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!"and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.

TWO
Two blondes are walking down the street: One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it; looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOUR
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIVE
What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

SIX
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped." Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was..." "Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off ... "there isn't any tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

SEVEN
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch,shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman

GREAT and FUNNY Quotes !!

Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
Robin Williams

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
Billy Crystal


You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"
Sean Connery

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
Robert De Niro

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it.
Bill Cosby

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?
Hugh Grant

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
Elizabeth Taylor

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
Jerry Seinfield

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.
Rod Stewart

Hallmark Rejects

I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind.

> If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your Sister.

Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, though, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.

When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help butwonder-what the heck was I thinking?

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me


I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well respected. And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly.

Sex with you is like using drugs-lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it.

The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating ass.

> I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you.

We have been friends for a very long time. Let's say we call it quits.


I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.

If you ever need a friend ... buy a dog.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?

The Cardinal rushes in to the Pope's private room.
"Your Holiness" he cries "I have good news and I have bad news"
"Give me the good news first" says the Pontiff "I could use some"
"Jesus is alive. He's here on earth, and he is on the phone for you in the next room!"
"What's the bad news?"
"He's calling from Salt Lake City!"

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her-
"Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?", the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said.
"How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.
"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?", her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."

An Alabama State Trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-20.
He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "'bout whut?"

Slogans for Women's T-shirts

1. So many men, so few who can afford me.
2. God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
3. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I am not going.
4. At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all...I just can't remember it all.....
5. My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
6. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes,seeks frog.
7. Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.
8. Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
9. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
10. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
11. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
12. I'm out of estrogen - and I have a gun.
13. Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?
14. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
15. I hate everybody...and you're next.
16. And your point is...?
17. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
18. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
19. Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.
20. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
21. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
22. All stressed out and no one to choke.
23. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
24. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
25. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
26. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
27. Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

A college student with a young child was pleased when her daughter became eligible to attend the day care center at the University. The director of the day care gave the mother a tour of the facilities. To assure herself of the center's high standards, the young mother asked about the curriculum.

"Well," said the director, eyes twinkling, "today we are studying the children's favorite philosopher:
Play-Doh."

A blonde decided to decorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need but he knew that her friend (also a blonde) next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
"Buffy," she said, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten," said Buffy.
So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but had 2 rolls left over.
"Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 left over!"
"Yes," said Buffy. "So did I."

Down East Jokes

On the road in Cape Breton One hundred Cape Bretoner's are traveling on a bus heading towards Edmonton, AB, they pass a sign that says Maximum 90, 10 of them jump out.

Police Report
There was a serious accident on a boulevard in St. John's. A Constab officer was taking a report of the major accident which left one man in pieces. He was writing the report and talking to himself. He said: Fingers found in front seat of wrecked car, feet found in trunk of car and head found on boluva....hmmm.... head found on boluvar.....b.o.l.u.v.a...... He gave a giant kick and stated "head found in ditch!""

Newfoundland Moose Hunters
Two Newfies are moose hunting all day, finally they shoot a moose. They start dragging it out of the bush but are having a hard time. Finally a fellow hunter comes up and says "Hey you know if you drag the moose the other way with the grain of the fur it will be a lot easier. The two newfies say "Hey good idea! So they start dragging it the other way, well about 2 hours later one newfie looks at the other and say " Hey this was a good idea, it is easier this way. The other newfie say, "Yeah but we keep getting further away from the truck.

TWO NEWFOUNDLANDERS VISIT MONTREAL

Two brothers from Cupids are visiting Montreal. While on their visit, one of the brothers says to the other:"Hey, we gotta get a gift for mom!" So they walk in to the nearest Zeller's and look around. Finally, they decide to check out the bathroom accessories. They spot a beautiful toilet set, you know, those plushy toilet seat covers and the little carpet that goes around the toilet. They choose a pink set with a little rose in the middle. They wrap it up and mail it to their mother in Newfoundland. They continue their trip and finally head back home. When they get to their house, their mother is waiting for them with a big smile on her face.

"My dear boys, she says, I got your lovely gift, thank you!"
"How do you like it?", says one of the brothers.
"Oh! juste great" answers the mother. "
The cape is just perfect, but the beret is a little too big for my head."

Agony of 'da feet II

A young Newfoundlander, leaving home for a one week visit to Toronto, was told by his mother to put on clean socks every day. By the end of the week he couldn't get his boots on.

Newfoundland Computer Lingo

1.Log on: Make the wood stove hotter
2.Log off: Don't add no more wood
3.Monitor: Keep an eye on that wood stove
4.Download: Getting the firewood off the truck
5.Floppy Disk: What you fet from trying to carry to much firewood
6.Ram: The thing that splits the firewood
7.Hard Drive: Getting home in the winter
8.Prompt: "Throw another log on the fire"
9.Window: What to shut when it's cold outside
10.Screen: What to shut in fly season
11.Byte: What flies do
12.Bit: What the flies did
13:Mega Byte: What BIG flies do
14.Chip: Munchies when monitoring
15.Micro Chip: What's left after you eat the chips
16.Modem: What you did to the hay fields
17.Dot Matrix: Old Dan Matrixs' wife
18.Lap top: Where kitty sleeps
19.Software: The dumb plastic knives and forks they give you at the Big R
20.Hardware: Real stainless steel cutlery
21.Mouse: What eats the grain in the barn
22.Main Frame: What holds up the barn
23.Enter: City talk for "Come on in, b'y"
24.Web: The things spiders makes
25.Web Site: The barn or attic
26.Cursor: Someone who swears a lot
27.Search Engine: What you do when the car dies
28.Screen Saver: A repair kit for the torn window screen
29.Home Page: A map you keep in your back pocket just in case you get lost when picking burries
30.Upgrade: Driving up Barters' Hill
31.Server: The Mrs. at Donovan's who brings the jigs' dinner
32.Mail Server: The guy at Big R with grade 8 who brings fish
33.MS-DOS: Some new disease they discovered
34.Sound Card: One of them technological birthday cards that plays music
35*User: Buddy down your street who keeps coming over borrowing stuff
36.Browser: What they call you when your eyebrows grow together

37.Network: When you have to repair your fishin net
38.Internet: Where the fish get caught
39.Netscape: When a fish gets away
40.On-line: When you gets the laundry on the washline
41.Off-line: When the clothespins let go and the laundry falls on the ground

A kilted Scotsman

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. As he wandered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, his back against a tree. As he slept, two young female French tourists walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly.When they came to the source of it, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt." So she boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him with. Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us! Let's thank him for the education!" Whereupon, she took a pretty blue ribbon from her hair and gently tied it around what nature had provided to the Scotsman. Sometime later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He walked around to the other side of the tree, raised his kilt and bewilderment filled his mind at the sight of the bright blue ribbon tied neatly in a bow. After several moments passed, he said, "I donna know where y'been lad...but it's nice ta'see y'won first prize!"

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