August - Fun in the Sun

"Constipated"

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated."
The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table."
The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him into the bathroom.
He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do?"
The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."

You Know You're a Canadian when . . . .

1) You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
2) Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
3) You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
4) You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
5) The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1 page, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
6) At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
7) The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
8) Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
9) You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
10) You find -40C a little chilly.
11) The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.
12) You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorrels.
13) You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your > >Canadian friends.

Gone Fishin'

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.

One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, "Is this guy blind or what?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.
"I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment..."

Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!

East Coast Humour

Notice from Microsoft:

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Nova Scotia/Newfoundland version of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside that area. If you have one of these Editions you may need some help understanding the commands.
The "East Coast" Edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDAS 98 with a background picture of a Cod fish superimposed on a slice of baloney.
It is shipped with a Jimmy Flynn screen saver (Newfoundland versions only) (Nova Scotia versions were shipped with alternating Rita MacNeil/Anne Murray screen savers).
As well, disks were packaged in a Windas 98 Sou'wester. Also note the "Recycle Bin" is labeled "Frenchies".
"My Computer" is called "Dis godamned allmighty ting".
"Dialup Networking" is called "trawling".
"Control Panel" is known as the "de other godamned almighty ting".
"Hard Drive" is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive."
"Floppies" are "Dem Jesus Little tings."
Other features: Instead of an Error Message you get a pick-up truck, covered with a garbage bag and duct tape and full of broken lobster traps.
Terminology:

OK = right some good.
Cancel = oh bigod no.
Reset = oh my oh my.
Yes = wha.
No = christ 'n jesus mighty no.
Find = ecum secum.
Go to = goin' down.
Back = arse side.
help = lord tunderin jesus bye.
Stop = cod end.
Start = anchors away.
Also note that Windas 98 does not recognize capital letters, punctuation marks, spelling or grammar. As well, half the time, it won't work. We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the "East Coast" Edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. Although, I can't for the life of me, figure out why anyone would want to return it, after all it is an genuine real right some good East Coast ting.
Thank you.
May yer cod end be full.
Bill Gates

A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mom, what's sex?"


His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.

When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said,
"Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss".
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said.
"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, "I see, yes, go on, and I understand. How did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit! What happened next?'

Famous Sports Quotes This Century.

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say, "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."


Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss goodbye."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up, alphabetically by height." And "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my freaking clothes."

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of all the clubs that we went to."

Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." (1992)

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting an baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (1982)

Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." (1981)

Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?" (1966)

Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time."


Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." (1991)

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." (1986)

Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." (1991)

Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." (1996)

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'" (1991)

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." (1991)

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

The interviewer examined the job application then turned to the prospective employee. "I see you have put ASAP down for the date you are available to start, meaning as soon as possible, of course.


However, I see you've put AMAP down for required salary. I don't believe I've ever seen that before, what does it mean?"

The applicant replied, "As Much as Possible!"

Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.

Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while."

Josh, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."

Andy, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup play-offs. I put my foot through the television..."

OLD WORDS WITH NEW MEANINGS

Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray'-ter\ : A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl' \ : What a bullfighter tries to do
Baloney \buh-lo'-nee' \ : Where some hemlines fall
Bernadette \burn'-a-det' \ : The act of torching a mortgage
Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize' \ : What a crook sees with
Control \kon'-trol\ : A short, ugly inmate
Counterfeiters \kown'-ter-fit'-ers\ : Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
Eclipse \ee-klips' \ : What a Cockney barber does for a living
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\ : A clumsy ophthalmologist
Heroes \hee-rhos' \ : What a guy in a boat does
Left Bank \left' bangk' \ : What the robber did when his bag was full of loot
Misty \mis-tee' \ : How golfers create divots
Paradox \par'-u-doks' \ : Two physicians
Parasites \par'-ih-sites' \: What you see from the top of the EiffelTower
Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist \ : A helper on the farm
Polarize \po'-lur-ize' \ : What penguins see with
Primate \pri'-mate' \ : Removing your spouse from in front of the TV
Relief \ree-leef' \ : What trees do in the spring
Selfish \sel'-fish' \ : What the owner of a seafood store does
Subdued \sub-dood' \ : Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man
Sudafed \sood'-a-fed' \ : Brought litigation against a government official

A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his office and said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him."

Bob, an experienced sky diver, was getting ready for a jump one day when he spotted another man outfitted to dive wearing dark glasses, carrying a white cane and holding a seeing eye dog by a extremely long leash.

Shocked that the blind man was also going to jump, Bob struck up a conversation, expressing his admiration for the man's courage. Then, curious, he asked, "How do you know when the ground is getting close?"

"Easy," replied the blind man. "The leash goes slack."

Soon after marriage, the lady's husband stopped wearing his wedding ring.
She asked, "Why don't you ever wear your wedding band?"
He replied, "It cuts off my circulation."
She answered back, "It's supposed to!"

CHURCH BILLBOARDS

**It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin.
**Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
**Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.
**Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons--come hear one.
**Parking is for Church patrons only. Violators will be baptized.

1. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

2. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

3. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

4. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

5. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

6. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

7. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

8. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

9. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

10. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

©WebWise Inc.