September - Jokes to Fall For!

The Essential Guide to Women's English:

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead]

"Exam"

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said: "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me either doc." said the husband.
"But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

TOP TEN AMISH SPRING BREAK ACTIVITIES

1. Drink molasses 'til you heave
2. Wet bonnet contest
3. Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy
4. Buttermilk keggar
5. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really rad Clydesdale
6. Get a tattoo: "Born to raise barns"
7. Cruise streets of Belleville shouting insults at people with zippers
8. Sleep 'til 6 AM
9. Drive over to Allensville and kick some Mennonite rear
10. Churn butter naked

Two guys are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it's supposed to go.
The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?"
The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back.
The first guy says, "What's wrong?"
He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress."
The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over."
He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too.
The second guy says, "What's wrong?"
The first guy says, "Small world."

Build an Ark

The Lord said to Noah, "In six months, I'm going to make it rain until the earth is covered with water and all the evil is destroyed. I want you to build an ark and save two of each animal species. Here are the blueprints for the ark."
> Six months passed. The skies began to cloud and rain began to fall.
Noah sat in his front yard, weeping.
"Why haven't you built the ark?" asked the Lord.
"Oh, forgive me," said Noah. "I did my best, but so many things happened.
"The blueprints you gave me didn't meet the city's code and I had to change them.
Then the city said I was violating the zoning ordinance by building an ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance..
"The Forest Service required tree-cutting permits, and I was sued by a state animal rights group when I tried to gather up the animals.
"The EPA required an environmental impact statement concerning the flood.
The Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plain.
"The IRS seized all my assets, claiming I was trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and the Equal Opportunity Commission said I wasn't hiring enough Croatians.
"I'm sorry, Lord, but I can't finish the ark for at least five years."
Suddenly the rain stopped, the skies cleared and the sun began to shine.
Noah looked up and said, "Lord, does this mean you're not going to devastate the earth?"
"Right," said the Lord. "The government already has."

Speeding

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all travelling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"

LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG

1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
2. Don't go out without ID.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is effective.
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).
8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

Kids' definitions of love.

A group of 4 to 8 year-old kids was asked to answer the question,"What does love mean?" Their answers are highly instructive. See what you think:
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken."
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her."
"Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean > it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."

Tiger Woods drives his new Volvo into a service station in St. John's on his tour of Newfoundland. The atttendant at the pump greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner, unaware who the golf pro is....
"How are ya today, bye"
Tiger Woods bends down to pick up the pump and two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dey, Right?" says the attendant.
"They're called tees." replies Tiger.
"What're dey for?" enquires the Newfoundlander.
"They're for putting my balls on while I'm driving." says Tiger.
"Lard Jaysus!!!" says the Newf, "Dem boys at Volvo tinks of everyting!!!!!

The blind man, deaf man and the lame man went on a pilgrimage to a healing spring.
The blind man washed his eyes with water from the spring and exclaimed, "I can see! I can see!"
The deaf man washed his ears with the spring water and exclaimed, "I can hear! I can hear!"
The lame guy drove his wheelchair into the water and the other side out, shouted, "I got new tires!"

"Slogans"

A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them.
"Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?
" Joe answered the correct airline.
"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?"
Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.
"Now John, Tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?"
and John answered, "mom."

Blonde Joke of the Day :)

A blonde calls 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cries.
The dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard," he says.
"She got in the back seat by mistake."

Old Rusfus and Clarence,,,,,,,,,

There were two old geezers, Rusfus and Clarence, living in the backwoods of the Ozarks. They lived on opposite sides of the river and they disliked each other very much. Each morning, just after sunup, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other.
"Rufus!!" Clarence would shout, "You better thank your lucky stars that I can't swim, er I'd swim this river and whup your butt!!"
"Clarence!!!" Rufus would holler back, "You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I can't swim, er I'd swim this river and whup your skinny butt!!!"
This commotion went on every day for twenty years. One Spring day the Army Corps of Engineers arrived and constructed a bridge. However, Rufus and Clarence were still at each other for another five years. Finally, Mrs. Rufus had enough.
"Rufus!" she squalors one day, "I can't take no more!! Every day for 25 years you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence. Well, thar's the bridge......do it."
Rufus thought for a moment while chewing on his bottom lip.
"Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place, "I'm gonna whup Clarence's butt!!"
He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway over the bridge, looked up.....TURNED TAIL AND RAN, RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE HOUSE, SLAMMED THE DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS, GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND DIVED, PANTING AND GASPING UNDER THE BED!!!!!
"Rufus!" cried the missus, "I thought you was gonna whup >Clarence's butt!!!"
"I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered.
"Rufus! cried the missus, "What in tarnation is the matter?"
"Well," muttered Rufus, "I went to the bridge...I stepped up on the bridge...walked halfway over the bridge...looked up..."
"And?" asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless with suspense.
"And," continued Rufus, "I saw a sign that said 'Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches'...he ain't never looked that big from the other side of the river!"

Buying A Bull

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde."
"She'll read it very slow."

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer,
"Honey, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
>"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!

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