September - Jokes
to Fall For!
The Essential Guide to Women's English:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
= You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct
decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure go ahead = I don't want
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron
You're so manly =
You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I
have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm
going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did
something today you're going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off
your shoes and find a good game on TV
You have to learn to communicate =
Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead]
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband
aside, and said: "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
doc." said the husband.
"But she's a great cook and really good with the
TOP TEN AMISH SPRING BREAK ACTIVITIES
1. Drink molasses 'til you heave
3. Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy
5. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really rad Clydesdale
6. Get a tattoo: "Born to raise barns"
7. Cruise streets of Belleville
shouting insults at people with zippers
8. Sleep 'til 6 AM
over to Allensville and kick some Mennonite rear
10. Churn butter naked
Two guys are trying to get in a quick eighteen
holes, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the
ball everywhere but where it's supposed to go.
The first guy says, "Why
don't you go over and ask if we can play through?"
The second guy gets
about halfway there, turns and comes back.
The first guy says, "What's
He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other one is my
The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over."
He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too.
second guy says, "What's wrong?"
The first guy says, "Small world."
Build an Ark
The Lord said to Noah, "In six months, I'm going
to make it rain until the earth is covered with water and all the evil is
destroyed. I want you to build an ark and save two of each animal species. Here
are the blueprints for the ark."
> Six months passed. The skies began to
cloud and rain began to fall.
Noah sat in his front yard, weeping.
haven't you built the ark?" asked the Lord.
"Oh, forgive me," said Noah.
"I did my best, but so many things happened.
"The blueprints you gave me
didn't meet the city's code and I had to change them.
Then the city said I
was violating the zoning ordinance by building an ark in my front yard, so I
had to get a variance..
"The Forest Service required tree-cutting permits,
and I was sued by a state animal rights group when I tried to gather up the
"The EPA required an environmental impact statement concerning
The Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood
"The IRS seized all my assets, claiming I was trying to avoid
paying taxes by leaving the country, and the Equal Opportunity Commission said
I wasn't hiring enough Croatians.
"I'm sorry, Lord, but I can't finish the
ark for at least five years."
Suddenly the rain stopped, the skies cleared
and the sun began to shine.
Noah looked up and said, "Lord, does this mean
you're not going to devastate the earth?"
"Right," said the Lord. "The
government already has."
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling
secure in a gaggle of cars all travelling at the same speed. However, as they
passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature
and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding,
but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who
were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?"
fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the
startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the
LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG
1. If you stare at someone long enough,
eventually you'll get what you want.
2. Don't go out without ID.
direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. Always give people a
friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is effective.
7. When you do
something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged out from
under the bed).
8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
Kids' definitions of love.
A group of 4 to 8 year-old kids was asked to
answer the question,"What does love mean?" Their answers are highly
instructive. See what you think:
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she
couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it
for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the
people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one
doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
"Love is when mommy gives daddy the
best piece of chicken."
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after
you left him alone all day."
"I let my big sister pick on me because my
Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister
because I love her."
"Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she
doesn't think it's gross."
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless
you mean > it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Tiger Woods drives his new Volvo into a service
station in St. John's on his tour of Newfoundland. The atttendant at the pump
greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner, unaware who the golf pro
"How are ya today, bye"
Tiger Woods bends down to pick up the
pump and two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
dey, Right?" says the attendant.
"They're called tees." replies Tiger.
"What're dey for?" enquires the Newfoundlander.
"They're for putting my
balls on while I'm driving." says Tiger.
"Lard Jaysus!!!" says the Newf,
"Dem boys at Volvo tinks of everyting!!!!!
The blind man, deaf man and the lame man went on a
pilgrimage to a healing spring.
The blind man washed his eyes with water
from the spring and exclaimed, "I can see! I can see!"
The deaf man washed
his ears with the spring water and exclaimed, "I can hear! I can hear!"
The lame guy drove his wheelchair into the water and the other side out,
shouted, "I got new tires!"
A class professor was giving a lecture on company
slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them.
he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?
Joe answered the correct airline.
"Brenda, can you tell me which company
has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?"
Brenda answered the correct
credit card company with no difficulty.
"Now John, Tell me which company
bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?"
and John answered, "mom."
Blonde Joke of the Day :)
A blonde calls 911 on her cell phone to report
that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
situation to the dispatcher:
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering
wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cries.
dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes
later, the officer radios in. "Disregard," he says.
"She got in the back
seat by mistake."
Old Rusfus and Clarence,,,,,,,,,
There were two old geezers, Rusfus and Clarence,
living in the backwoods of the Ozarks. They lived on opposite sides of the
river and they disliked each other very much. Each morning, just after sunup,
Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and
yell at each other.
"Rufus!!" Clarence would shout, "You better thank your
lucky stars that I can't swim, er I'd swim this river and whup your butt!!"
"Clarence!!!" Rufus would holler back, "You better thank YOUR lucky stars
that I can't swim, er I'd swim this river and whup your skinny butt!!!"
This commotion went on every day for twenty years. One Spring day the Army
Corps of Engineers arrived and constructed a bridge. However, Rufus and
Clarence were still at each other for another five years. Finally, Mrs. Rufus
"Rufus!" she squalors one day, "I can't take no more!! Every
day for 25 years you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence. Well, thar's the
Rufus thought for a moment while chewing on his bottom
"Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place, "I'm gonna
whup Clarence's butt!!"
He walked out the door, down to the river, along
the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about
halfway over the bridge, looked up.....TURNED TAIL AND RAN, RAN SCREAMING BACK
TO THE HOUSE, SLAMMED THE DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS, GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND
DIVED, PANTING AND GASPING UNDER THE BED!!!!!
"Rufus!" cried the missus,
"I thought you was gonna whup >Clarence's butt!!!"
"I was, woman, I
was!!" he whispered.
"Rufus! cried the missus, "What in tarnation is the
"Well," muttered Rufus, "I went to the bridge...I stepped up on
the bridge...walked halfway over the bridge...looked up..."
Mrs. Rufus, breathless with suspense.
"And," continued Rufus, "I saw a sign
that said 'Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches'...he ain't never looked that big from
the other side of the river!"
Buying A Bull
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit
the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial
trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to
another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she
tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact
you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the
man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man
tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives
to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my
sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch
the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds,
"It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette
only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to
send her the word, 'comfortable.'"
The telegraph operator shakes his head.
"How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your
pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you
send her the word, 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's
"She'll read it very slow."
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go
upstairs and make love," and you answer,
"Honey, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and
your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less
pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
>"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't
care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor
instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action"
means I don't need to take any fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting
lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An
"all nighter" means not getting up to pee!
You have just received the "Newfie Virus". As we
ain't got no programming experience, this virus works on the honor system.
Please delete all the files from your hard drive and manually forward this
virus to everyone on your mailing list.
Thanks for your cooperation.