October - Turning of the Jokes !
One day God was looking down to earth and saw all
of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to earth to
check it out. So, he called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time.
When she returned she told God, yes, it is bad on earth, 95% of the people
are bad and 5% are good people.
He thought for a moment and said maybe I
had better send down a male angel to get both points of view. So He called a
male angel and sent him to earth to see what he could find. When the angel
returned he went to God and told him, yes, the earths in decline, 95% of the
people are bad and 5% are good.
God said this was not good. He decided to
send an e-mail to the 5% that were good and encourage them, something to help
them keep going.
Do you know what that email said?
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Oh, you didn't get one, either?
DUMB BLONDE MEN....FOR ONCE
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were
doing "high iron" construction work on the 20th floor of a building.
They
were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get
corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this
building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again!
If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde
opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. I'm with you guys, if I get a
bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
Next day the Irishman
opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death.
The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too.
The blonde
opens his lunch, (now PLEASE don't pretend you didn't anticipate this!) sees
the bologna and jumps to his death also.
At the funeral The Irishman's wife
is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and
cabbage I never would have given it to him again!
The Mexican's wife also
weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize
he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blondes
wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said.
"He makes his own lunch."
Pray Tell
A journalist was assigned to the Jerusalem bureau
of his newspaper. He gets an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. After
several weeks he realizes that whenever he looks at the wall he sees an old
Jewish man praying vigorously. The journalist wondered whether there was a
publishable story here. He goes down to the wall, introduces himself and
says:
"You come every day to the wall. What are you praying for?"
The
old man replies: "What am I praying for? In the morning I pray for world peace,
then I pray for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a glass of tea, and I
come back to the wall to pray for the eradication of illness and disease from
the earth."
The journalist is taken by the old man's sincerity and
persistence.
"You mean you have been coming to the wall to pray every day
for these things?"
The old man nods. "How long have you been coming to the
wall to pray for these things?"
The old man becomes reflective and then
replies: "How long? Maybe twenty, twenty-five years."
The amazed journalist
finally asks: "How does it feel to come and pray every day for over 20 years
for these things?"
"How does it feel?" the old man replies.
"It feels
like I'm talking to a wall."
Top Ten Signs You're Too Old to Be Trick or Treating
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8.
You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar
in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say,
"Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the
door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.
4. By
the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3.
You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
Halloween Costumes"
There's a man with a bald head and a wooden leg
who gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to
hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the
problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note.
"Dear Sir,
please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover
your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate".
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his
wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he
receives another parcel and a note, which says:
"Dear Sir,please find
enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with
your bald head, you will really look the part".
Now the man is really
annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his
bald head writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he
receives a small parcel and a note which reads:
"Dear Sir, please find
enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick
your wooden leg up your ass and go as a Caramel apple!"
A young man fell in love with a very lovely young
lady. Unfortunately she did not return the feeling. In desperation he went and
visited a group of witches searching for a love potion.
They informed him
that they no longer provided such an item. It was highly unethical to
administer a potion to someone without her permission. They did have an
alternate solution. They sold him a bottle of small white pellets.
He was
to bury one in her yard every night at midnight for a month. He returned to the
witches six weeks later excited and thankful.
He and the young lady were to
wed in a month.
The witch told him, ..."Nothin' says lovin' like something
from a coven, and pills buried say it best."
Two guys wandered into a bar. One of the men
shouted to the barkeeper,
"Hiya, Mike. Set 'em up for me and my pal here."
Then he turned to his slightly dim partner and boasted, "This is a great
bar. For every two drinks you buy, the house gives you one. And the pinball
machines in the back are free!"
"That's not so great, responded the friend.
There's a bar across town that'll match you drink for drink, and you can get
laid in the back for free."
"Where is this place?" the first guy exclaimed.
"Oh, I don't know," the dim fellow replied, "but my wife goes there all the
time."
Halloween Humour
Some you might have heard before, but they are
still cute to tell children and adults who think they are children!!!
Q:
Why do cemeteries have fences around them?
A: Because people are dying to
get in.
Q: Why do witches think they're funny?
A: Every time they
look in the mirror, it cracks up.
Q: Why do dragons sleep during the day?
A: So they can fight knights.
Q: Where do ghosts like to go swimming?
A: Lake Eerie?
Q: Why do mummies go to school?
A: To get a
deaducation
Q: Why did the tiny ghost join the football squad?
A: He
had heard that they needed a little team spirit !
Q: What's a monster's
favourite song?
A: "Ghouls Just Want To Have Fun."
Q: Why don't
skeletons like to eat spicy food?
A: They can't stomach it!
Q: What
do you call someone who puts poison in people's corn flakes?
A: A cereal
killer!
Q: What does a cow say to scare away a ghost?
A: "Moo!!"
Q: What is Shakespeare's ghost's favourite saying?
A: "To boo or not to
boo...that is the question".
Q: What kind of candy won't a ghost ever
touch?
A: Lifesavers
Q: What do you get if you cross a monster with
an owl?
A: An animal that frightens people but doesn't give a hoot!
Q: What do call two witches who live together?
A: "Broom Mates"!
Q:
What is a vampire's favourite sport?
A: Casket Ball !!!
Q: What did
one ghost say to the other ghost?
A: "Do you believe in people"?
Q:
How big was Dr. Frankenstein's castle?
A: "Monstrous" !
Q: What is a
ghoul's favourite fast food meal?
A: A handburger!
Q: What is a
ghost's favourite type of pasta?
A: Spookgetti !!!
The following were actually taken from classified
ads in newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE
DOG. ----------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL
-1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
------------------------------
FREE
PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART STUPID DOG
------------------------------
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS
GERMAN. FREE.
-------------------------------------
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE
DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD.
-----------------------------------
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
----------------------------
AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN
BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
------------------------------
SNOW BLOWER
FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
-------------------------------
2
WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
------------------------------
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL
FOR SALE.
---------------------------------
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY
USED, CALL CHUBBY
-------------------------------------
SHAKESPEARE'S
PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
--------------------------------------
HUMMELS
- LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
----------------------------------------
GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE
TRAVELING URINAL THAT HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.
-------------------------------------------
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN
CLUB
-----------------------------------------
GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
------------------------------------------
NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED
------------------------------------------
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO
EAT.
------------------------------------------
AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS
- POLE INCLUDED $100
-------------------------------------------
TIRED
OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
---------------------------------------------
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE
MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS -$175.
---------------------------------------------
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB
AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
-----------------------------------------------
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST
SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
----------------------------------------------
LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT
THAT GUILTY.
---------------------------------------------
ALZHEIMER'S
CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
--------------------------------------------
GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO
BELL.
----------------------------------
OPEN HOUSE BODY SHAPERS
TONING SALON FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
--------------------------------------
FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of
Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best
offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a
subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered
with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn
coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the
dishevelled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes
arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked
women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll
be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest,
thinking about what he had said, nudged the> man and apologized.
"I'm
very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had
arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the
Pope does."
There was once a young man who, in his youth,
professed a desire to become a "great" writer.
When asked to define
"great", he said: "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff
that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them
scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation and anger!"
He now works for
Microsoft writing error messages
Proverbs
A first grade teacher collected well known
proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and
asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with:
Better to be safe than....................punch a 5th grader.
Strike while
the.........................bug is close.
It's always darkest
before..............daylight savings time.
Never underestimate the power
of............termites.
You can lead a horse to water but ...........how?
Don't bite the hand that.......................looks dirty.
No news
is.........................impossible.
A miss is as good as
a........................Mr.
You can't teach an old
dog.....................math.
If you lie down with dogs, you.......will
stink in the morning.
Love all, trust........................me.
The
pen is mightier> than......................the pigs.
An idle mind
is......................the best way to relax.
Where there is smoke,
there's..............pollution.
Happy is the bride
who..................gets all the presents.
A penny saved
is.........................not much.
Two is company,
three's.....................The Musketeers.
None are so blind
as.....................Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and
not..........spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't
succeed............get new batteries.
You get out of something what
you.......see pictured on the box.
When the blind lead the
blind.................get out of the way.
There is no fool
like...........................Aunt Edie.
Laugh and the whole world laughs
with you. Cry and ......you have to blow your nose.
Famous Airline Quotes . . .
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort
to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and other announcements a bit more
entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
of this airplane..."
After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business
Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed
taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
Washington Nat'l., a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella.
WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis,
a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced:
"Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as
shootin' everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines
employee...."Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat
belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like
every other seat belt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin
pressure, margarine cups will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab
the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with
you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with
more than one small child... pick your favorite.
Weather at our
destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them
fixed before we arrive.
Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your
money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for
flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to
shore and take them with our compliments."
Once on a Southwest flight, the
pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the
seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and
visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
"Should the cabin lose
pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag
over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or other adults acting
like children."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the
plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We
are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!"
Heard on Southwest
Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant
came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are
thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the
pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants fault...it was the asphalt!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask
you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the
first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give
them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."
He said that in light of his bad
landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that
someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for
this little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask
you a question?"
"Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?"
The
little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real
crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came on with, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.Crash and the Crew have
brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. Once the tire smoke
has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can
pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight
attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying
with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting
through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here
at US Airways."
The Plan
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can
take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to
God's kids.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam >and Eve.
And the first thing he said was:
"Don't".
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We got
forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve... we got forbidden fruit!"
"No way!"
"Yes
way!"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your
Father and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making
the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw his kids having an apple break
and was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" the First Parent
asked.
"Uh huh, " Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno" Eve
answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was
that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set
and it has never changed. But there is reassurance in this story. If you have
persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it,
don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you
think it would be a piece of cake for you?
Advice for the day: If you have
a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
Take two and keep away from children.
Things to Make you Think
Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their
shoes. Then when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away and have their
shoes.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting
them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not for our
children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to
tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
Maybe in order to
understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND
Basically,
it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind."
What do these words
mean? It's a mystery and so is mankind.
It's easy to sit there and say
you'd like to have more money And I guess that's what I like about it.
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat
there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and
yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
"The Farmer"
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar
getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting
here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just
can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well,
today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket bout full,
she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not
so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what
happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the
left.
Man: And then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to
milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and
kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't
explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg
this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: And then?
Farmer:
Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket
about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man:
Hmmm...
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did
you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt
and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife
walked in.....
Some things you just can't explain.
