Just Joking-New Brunswick

November - Cool Fun!


HOW TO HANDLE TELEMARKETERS:

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my fish just died..." When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company..." You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?

9. After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream "Oh my God!!!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the Telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some groceries......

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I will listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke."Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up...louder... louder... louder...

20. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down..........


Definitions by Gender:

THINGY:
Female: Any part under a car's hood
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra

VULNERABLE
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another
Male: Playing football without a helmet

COMMUNICATION
Female: The sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner
Male: Leaving a note before suddenly taking off for the weekend with the boys

BUTT
Female: The body part that 'looks bigger' no matter what is worn
Male: What you slap when someone scores a touchdown, home run or a goal; also good for mooning your partner's folks at any BBQ

COMMITMENT
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family
Male: Trying not to pick up women while out with your partner


ENTERTAINMENT
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking

FLATULENCE
Female: An embarrassing bi-product of digestion
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and bonding


Subject: Women's Fantasy

Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this had been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.


WARNING FROM THE MINISTRY OF FISH AND WILDLIFE:

Due to the rising frequency of human-bear encounters, the Fish and Wildlife Branch is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and any persons that use the out-of-doors in a recreational or work related function to take extra precautions while in the field.

We advise the outdoorsman to wear little noisy bells on clothing so as to give advanced warning to any bears that might be close by so you don't take them by surprise. We also advise anyone using the out-of doors to carry "pepper spray" with him or her in case of an encounter with a bear.

Outdoorsmen should also be on the watch for fresh bear activity, and be able to tell the difference between black bear poop and grizzly bear poop.
Black bear poop is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear poop has bells in it, and smells like pepper.


Interpreting Male Phrases

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Translated: I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH", "SURE, HONEY", OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "I was wondering if that blonde over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"


"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."


"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".

Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME"?
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."


RANDOM THOUGHTS

Spotted on the back of a Tee shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad:
"If you see me running, try to keep up."

You have the right to remain silent anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Don't you think it's unnerving that doctors call what they do "Practice"?

Did you ever notice that Evian bottled water is Naive spelled backwards?
Think about it.....

The grass may actually be greener on the other side of the fence, but it still has to be mowed.


A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
Then a third child brought the argument to a close...
"They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."


Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.
The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise,
"For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"


Something to spell about

When you rearrange the letters you get:
Dormitory - Dirty Room
Desperation - A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code - Here come Dots
Slot Machines - Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity - Is No Amity
Mother-in-law - Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms - Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness - Genuine Class
Semolina - Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries - Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point - I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes - That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two - Twelve plus one
Contradiction - Accord not in it
Astronomer - Moon Starer
Princess Diana - End Is A Car Spin
AND HERE IS THE MOST INTRIGUING PART ...
Year Two Thousand - A Year To Shut Down


Last Request

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service.
Write on the envelope, "Now, you have everything."


Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?

Great food, but no atmosphere.


Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.


English

No wonder the English language is so very difficult to learn.
We must polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

The farm used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

The soldier decided to desert in the desert.

This was a good time to present the present.
(And this last could mean "gift" or "era of time")


A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

The bandage was wound around the wound.

If you run, you can get there fast. The clothes won't run, they're colour fast.


Exercise is good for you...

1) My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
She's 97 now and we don't know where the heck she is.

2) I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

3) The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

4) I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures what I'm doing.

5) I don't exercise at all. If God meant for us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

6) I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

7) I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

8) The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

9) If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

10) I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.


A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him,
"How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly.
"How did you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four > poorer.' "


A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says, "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer.
So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."


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