November - Cool Fun!
HOW TO HANDLE TELEMARKETERS:
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you
just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If
they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?"
Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these
days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up,
my eyelashes are sore, my fish just died..." When they try to get to the sell,
just keep talking about your problems.
3. If they say they're John Doe
from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the
company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal
questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4.
This works great if you are male Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm
with XYZ Company..." You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask,
"What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh
my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief
moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and
keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if
you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to
sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you
can, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"
8. If the
company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT
blood? How about HUMAN blood?
9. After the Telemarketer gives their
spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that
you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they
often can't sell to employees.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you
realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream "Oh my
God!!!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the
moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can
call them back. When the Telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their
HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home,
right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"
Hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put
them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack
your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
15. Tell
the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring
you some groceries......
16. Ask them to fax the information to you,
and make up a number.
17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I will listen
to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a
joke."Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
19.
Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up...louder...
louder... louder...
20. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want
to write EVERY WORD down..........
Definitions by Gender:
THINGY:
Female: Any part under a car's hood
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra
VULNERABLE
Female:
Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another
Male: Playing football
without a helmet
COMMUNICATION
Female: The sharing of thoughts and
feelings with one's partner
Male: Leaving a note before suddenly taking off
for the weekend with the boys
BUTT
Female: The body part that
'looks bigger' no matter what is worn
Male: What you slap when someone
scores a touchdown, home run or a goal; also good for mooning your partner's
folks at any BBQ
COMMITMENT
Female: A desire to get married and
raise a family
Male: Trying not to pick up women while out with your
partner
ENTERTAINMENT
Female: A good movie, concert, play or
book
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking
FLATULENCE
Female: An embarrassing bi-product of digestion
Male: An endless source
of entertainment, self-expression and bonding
Subject: Women's Fantasy
Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this had been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.
WARNING FROM THE MINISTRY OF FISH AND WILDLIFE:
Due to the rising frequency of human-bear
encounters, the Fish and Wildlife Branch is advising hikers, hunters,
fishermen, and any persons that use the out-of-doors in a recreational or work
related function to take extra precautions while in the field.
We
advise the outdoorsman to wear little noisy bells on clothing so as to give
advanced warning to any bears that might be close by so you don't take them by
surprise. We also advise anyone using the out-of doors to carry "pepper spray"
with him or her in case of an encounter with a bear.
Outdoorsmen should
also be on the watch for fresh bear activity, and be able to tell the
difference between black bear poop and grizzly bear poop.
Black bear poop
is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear poop
has bells in it, and smells like pepper.
Interpreting Male Phrases
"I'M GOING FISHING"
Translated: I'm going to
drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand,
while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it and you
have no chance at all of making it logical".
"CAN I HELP WITH
DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH",
"SURE, HONEY", OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a
conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU.
IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "I was wondering if
that blonde over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE
WORKING TOO HARD".
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum
cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still
talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I
remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever
kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but
I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU AND GOT YOU
THESE ROSES".
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real
babe."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I
CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so
I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME"?
Translated:
"What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't
the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake
it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used
to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK
TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm
starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated:
"No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
RANDOM THOUGHTS
Spotted on the back of a Tee shirt worn by LAPD
Bomb Squad:
"If you see me running, try to keep up."
You have the
right to remain silent anything you say will be misquoted, then used against
you.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Don't you think it's
unnerving that doctors call what they do "Practice"?
Did you ever
notice that Evian bottled water is Naive spelled backwards?
Think about
it.....
The grass may actually be greener on the other side of the
fence, but it still has to be mowed.
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station
wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the
front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children fell to
discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one
youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
Then a third
child brought the argument to a close...
"They use the dog," she said
firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
Little Harold was practicing the violin in the
living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was
lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin
reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.
The father listened to the dog
and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the
floor and yelled above the noise,
"For pity's sake, can't you play
something the dog doesn't know?"
Something to spell about
When you rearrange the letters you get:
Dormitory - Dirty Room
Desperation - A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code -
Here come Dots
Slot Machines - Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity - Is No Amity
Mother-in-law - Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms - Alas! No More Z's
Alec
Guinness - Genuine Class
Semolina - Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries
- Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point - I'm a Dot in Place
The
Earthquakes - That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two - Twelve plus one
Contradiction - Accord not in it
Astronomer - Moon Starer
Princess
Diana - End Is A Car Spin
AND HERE IS THE MOST INTRIGUING PART ...
Year
Two Thousand - A Year To Shut Down
Last Request
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend
and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my
remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with
your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail
them to the Internal Revenue Service.
Write on the envelope, "Now, you have
everything."
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the
moon?
Great food, but no atmosphere.
Q: How do you drive an engineer completely
insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road
map the wrong way.
English
No wonder the English language is so very
difficult to learn.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could
lead if he would get the lead out.
The farm used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
The
soldier decided to desert in the desert.
This was a good time to
present the present.
(And this last could mean "gift" or "era of time")
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot
at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
The bandage was
wound around the wound.
If you run, you can get there fast. The clothes
won't run, they're colour fast.
Exercise is good for you...
1) My grandmother started walking five miles a
day when she was 60.
She's 97 now and we don't know where the heck she is.
2) I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
3) The only
reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing
again.
4) I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures
what I'm doing.
5) I don't exercise at all. If God meant for us to
touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
6) I like
long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
7)
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8) The
advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
9) If you
are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
10)
I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him,
"How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he knew the
answer so quickly.
"How did you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy
said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: 'Four better,
four worse, four richer, four > poorer.' "
A famous art collector is walking through the city
when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a
store and he does a double take. He knows that the saucer is extremely old and
very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat
for two dollars.
The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for
sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to
catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says,
"Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the
twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to
it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says,
"Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer.
So far this week I've sold
sixty-eight cats."
