Just Joking-New Brunswick

December - Tis the Season to be Merry!


"12 Days of Christmas Cajun Style "

Day 1....Dear Emile,
Thanks for da bird in the Pear tree. I fixed it las night with dirty rice and it was delicious. I doan tink the Pear tree would grow in de swamp, so I swapped it for a Satsuma.

Day 2....Dear Emile,
Your letter said you sent 2 turtle doves, but all I got was 2 scrawny pigeons. Anyway, I mixed them with andouille and made some gumbo out of dem.

Day 3....Dear Emile,
Why doan you sen me some crawfish? I'm tired of eating dem darned birds. I gave two of those prissy French chickens to Mrs. Ruiz over at Grand Bayou and fed the tird one to my dog, Phideaux. Mrs. Ruiz needed some sparring partners for her fighting rooster.

Day 4....Dear Emile,
Mon Dieux! I tole you no more freakin birds. Deez four, what you call "calling birds" were so noisy you could hear dem all the way to Napoleonville. I used they necks for my crab traps, and fed the rest of dem to the gators.

Day 5....Dear Emile,
You finally sent something useful. I liked dem golden rings, me. I hocked dem at a pawn shop in Thibodeaux and got enough money to fix the shaft on my shrimp boat, and buy a round for da boys at the Raisin' Cane Lounge. Merci Beaucoup.

Day 6.... Dear Emile,
Couchon! Back to da birds, you coonass turkey! Poor egg sucking Phideaux is scared to death ah dem six geese. He tried to eat they eggs and they pecked the heck out ah his snout. They're good at eating cockroaches, though. I may stuff one ah dem with erster dressing on Christmas Day.

Day 7....Dear Emile,
I'm gonna wring your fool neck next time I see you. Boudreaux, da mailman, is ready to kill you. The merde from all those birds is stinkin up his mailboat. He's afraid someone will slip on dat stuff and sue him. I let those seven swans loose to swim on da bayou and some duck hunters from Mississippi blasted dem out da water. Talk to you tomorrow.

Day 8....Dear Emile,
Poor old Boudreaux had to make 3 trips on his mailboat to deliver dem 8 maids a milking & der cows. One of the cows got spooked by da alligators and almost tipped over da boat. I doan like dem shiftless maids, me. I told them to get to work gutting fish and sweeping my shack but they said it wasn't in their contract. They probably tink they too good to skin nutrias I caught las night.

Day 9....Dear Emile,
What you trying to do? Boudreaux had to borrow da Lutcher Ferry to carry these jumping twits you call lords-a-leaping across da bayou. As soon as they got here they wanted a tea break and crumpets. I doan know what dat means but I says, "Well la di da. You get Chicory coffee or nuthin." Mon Dieux, Emile, what I'm gonna feed all these bozos? They too snooty for fried nutria, and the cows ate my turnip greens.

Day 10....Dear Emile,
You got to be out of your mind! If da mailman don't kill you, I will. Today he delivered 10 half nekkid floozies from Bourbon Street. They said they be "ladies dancing" but they doan act like ladies in front of those Limey twits. They almost left after one of them got bit by a water moccasin over by my out-house. I had to butcher 2 cows to feed toute le monde (everybody) and get toilet paper. The Sears catalog wasn't good enough for those hoity toity lords' royal behinds. Talk at you tomorrow.

Day 11....Dear Emile,
Where Y'at? Cherio and pip pip. Your 11 Pipers Piping arrived today from the House of Blues, second lining as dey got off da boat. We fixed stuffed goose and beef jumbalaya, finished da whiskey and we're having a fais-do-do. The new mailman drank a bottle of Jack Daniels and he's having a good old time dancing with the floozies. The old mailman jumped off the Sunshine Bridge yesterday, screaming your name. If you get a mysterious, ticking package in da mail, don't open it.

Day 12....Dear Emile,
I'm sorry to tell you but I am not your true love anymore. After the fais-do-do, I spent da night with Jacque, the head piper. We decide to open a restuarant and gentlemen's club on the bayou. The floozies, pardon me, ladies dancing can make $20 for a table dance, and the lords can be the waiters and valet park da boats. Since the maids have no more cows to milk, I trained dem to set my crab traps, watch my trotlines, and run my shrimping business. We'll probably gross a million dollars next year. Joyeaux Noel-Merry Christmas!


"Gravely Gift"

One year, a particular harried husband decided > to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"


Dear Son,

Any day now, I'll get my mothers annual letter to us which will probably go something like this:
Dear Darling Son and that Person You Married,
Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering that I can't breath or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday. I've sent alone my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. You know their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies. Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me - we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral, so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?
Well, son, its time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned off my heat and I'm grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year.
Give my love to my darling grand babies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is---the one with the black boots who stole you screaming from my bosom.

Merry Christmas Love, Mom


Parrot named Chet

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift.
"How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a match under the parrot's left foot and Chet began to sing:
"Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..."
The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with:
"Silent Night. Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No", the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned:
"Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells!..."
The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot,and out came:
"Silent Night. Holy Night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"
The man did not know. "Let's try it." He answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs.
Chet twisted his little head cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly (like it was the performance of his life):
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."


Where is my present?

A little kid sits on Santa's lap, and Santa says, "What would you like for Christmas?"
The kid says, "A f**king swing set."
Santa says, "You'll have to ask nicer than that if you want Santa to bring you presents. Let's try again. What else would you like?"
The kid says, "A f**king sandbox for the side yard."
Santa says, "That's no way to talk to Santa. One more time. What else would you like for Christmas?"
The boy thinks for a minute, and then he says, "I want a f**king trampoline in the front yard."
Santa lifts the boy off his lap and goes to talk to the kid's parents. He tells them what the kid said, and then says, "I know how to stop it. Don't get him anything for Christmas except dog doo. Put a pile of dog doo in the backyard where he wants the swing set, put another pile in the side yard where he wants the sandbox, and another pile in the front yard where he wants the trampoline. That should make him change his tune.
" Christmas morning the kid goes downstairs to open his presents, and there aren't any. He runs out the back door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the side door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the front door, looks around, and comes back in, shaking his head.
His father says, "What's wrong, son?"
The kid says, "Santa brought me a f**king dog, but I can't find him."


Wrapping Presents (With a Cat)

1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close door.
3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.
4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc.
7. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit, and collect string.
9. Remove present from bag.
10. Remove cat from bag.
11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.
14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and tore paper.
15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag the present came out of.
16. Place present on cut-to-size paper.
17. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now don't reach, and find cat between present and paper. Remove cat and retry.
18. Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent sticky tape.
19. Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove > transparent sticky > tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.
20. Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible. 21. Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve ribbon.
22. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
23. Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat's enthusiasm in chasing ribbon end.
24. Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper.
25. Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that you know is right size for sheet of paper.
26. Put present in box, and tie down with string.
27. Remove string, open box and remove cat.
28. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable room.
29. Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing materials.
30. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door and re-lock.
31. Lay out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly this is difficult in the small area of the toilet, but try your best!)
32. Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully sealing down tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst affected areas.
33. Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating yourself on making good of a bad job.
34. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.
35. Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious conclusion.
36. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
37. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and retire to lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the door is locked.
38. At time of handing over present, smile sweetly at receiver's face, as they try and hide their contempt at being handed such a badly wrapped present.
39. Swear to yourself that next year, you will get the store to wrap the darn thing for you.


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party Subject:

Holiday Memo I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
============================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree present. No, Christmas carols sung. We will have other type of music for your enjoyment! Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
============================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
============================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party -- the days are so short this time of year -- or else package everything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the rest rooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood problems to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?
Patty
============================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???
Patty
============================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up? Please????????? Also the company has changed their mind in announcing the special announcement at the gathering. You will get a notification in the mail sent to your home.
============================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #%&$**@ Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The %#*&^%@*%^Holiday Party

I have no#%&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the %#&^!@ do I care...I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!! You change your address now and your are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of address will be allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I will have you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!! Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now! &g!t; HA ! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die-- you hear me!!!!!!!!!!!
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
============================================
FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!


Fishin' Story

A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden.
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden.
After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him...
"Lets see yer fishin' license, Boy!!" the Warden gasped.
With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.
"Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes, sir," replied the young feller, "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one..."


Dumb Crimes

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trail, the conversation went something like this:
Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"
Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."
Judge: "Proceed."
Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."
Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony."
15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.
Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"
Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."


OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.

Plagiarism saves time.

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.


ADVICE FOR IDIOTS

An actual tip from page 16 of the Hewlett Packard "Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees:
"Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."


Rodney sat in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked Rodney incredulously.
"I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"It's of you and your mistress."

THINK ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!

Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.

If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking with no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

And whose cruel idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'Lisp'?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?

Would a wingless fly be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will clean them?

Is a shelless turtle homeless or just naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has the right to talk?

Why do they put Braille on the drive thru bank machines?

Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

Why do we drive on the parkway and park in the driveway?

If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter?

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

When dog food has a new and improved tastes, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstates in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?

Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?

Why is a bra singular and panties plural?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

If a firefighter fights fires, and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?

If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?

If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?

If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?

Why is it when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?


"Top Ten Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid"

10. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"

9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes.

8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling.

7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts.

6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.

5. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the dork list.

4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee.

3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard, and I'll put the hurt on you."

2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."

1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"


Merry Christmas & Happy Newyear to All!


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