Just Joking-New Brunswick

Giggle Lane

On the Lighter Side

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was furious! She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was enraged now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and get rid of the bird.
The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes?" The bird said, "You know."

During the summer when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sunk in.
Finally I thought of a clever way to make the point.
When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
He watched silently for a while, then went into the house.
He was gone only a few moments and when he came out again he handed me a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks."


TOP 17 BLOOPERS FOUND IN CHURCH BULLETINS

17. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

16. The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at10.
All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

15. Evening Massage - 6 p.m.

14. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

13. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday from 7 to 8 PM.
Please use back door.

12. Ushers will eat latecomers.

11. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

10. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

9. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m.
The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

8. The concert held in the Fellowship Hall was a great success.
Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which, as usual, fell upon her.

7. On a church bulletin during the pastor's illness:
GOD IS GOOD.
Pastor Hargreaves is better.

6. Potluck supper: Prayer and medication to follow.

5. Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.

4. The Rector is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary.

3. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

2. The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir!!

AND THE NUMBER 1 BLOOPER FOUND IN CHURCH BULLETINS:
1. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance. It is easy to sit up and take notice. What is difficult is getting up and taking action.


Random Thoughts and Middle Age Wisdom

1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

3. I am in shape. Round's a shape.

4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

5. Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

6. I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

7. Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window?

8. Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

9. You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She is 97 today and we don't know where she is.

10. The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.

11. Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing a bank robbery has just taken place.

12. I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

13. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

14. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

15. I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it is such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.

16. A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

17. Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library; the James Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.


A wealthy easterner who had grown up in the country before going east to make his fortune, decided to return to for a deer hunt. So he called an old family friend to see if he would act as a guide. The man replied, "Sorry, I don't guide hunters any more. I only take out fishing parties." "Why's that?" asked the wealthy easterner. "Getting a little too old for the trails?" "Nope," replied the guide, "I've never had a fisherman mistake me for a fish."


A young farmer couple got married, and they just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. Just before leaving the house for the fields at dawn, they made love, and when the husband returned home at evening they had another go, both before and after supper, and then again a few more times during the night.

The problems only happened during the day. The fields were far away from the house and the young man lost half an hour each time traveling home and back again at noon. Finally he decided to consult a friend, the town's doctor, about what to do.

"Easiest thing in the world, Homer" said the doctor. "You take your rifle out with you every day don't you? Well, when you feel like you're in the mood for some lovin', just fire a shot into the air as a signal to your wife, for her to come out to you. That way you won't lose any workin' time." Homer tried his friend's solution and it seemed to work pretty well for a while.

One day though, the doctor stopped by the house to pay a visit and he noticed Homer sitting alone inside looking very somber. "What's wrong?" he asked. "Didn't my idea work? And where's your wife?"

"Oh, it worked" says Homer. "Whenever I got in the mood I fired off a shot like you said, and Becky'd come runnin'. Then we'd find a secluded place and make love. Then Becky'd go back home."

"So what's the problem?"

"Well, I think I overdid it, Doc. I ain't seen hide nor hair of Becky since hunting season got started..."


DEEP THOUGHTS!!!

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do." is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?


A lawyer's last thoughts,,,,,,,,

A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and he called to his wife.
She rushed in and said, 'What is it, honey?'
He told her to run and get the bible as soon as possible.
Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea.
She ran and got it, prepared to read him his favorite verse or something of the sort.
He snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting right and left.
The wife was curious. 'what are you doing, honey?' she asked.
'I'm looking for loopholes!' he shouted.


Coffee Time

You know your drinking too much coffee when:
You help your dog chase its tail.
you can jump-start your car withjout cables.
You chew on other peoples fingernails.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You just completed another sweater, and you dont know how to knit.
You ski uphill
Tim Horton sends you birthday cards.


Some Wisdom from Our Senior Citizens

1) I started with nothing. I still have most of it.
2) Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
3) All reports are in. life is now officially unfair.
4) If all is not lost, where is it?
5) if at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
6) the first rule in holes: if your in one, stop digging.
7) Some days your the dog, some days your the hydrant
8) Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
9) Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
10) Lead me not into temptation ( I can find the way myself )
11) if your living on the edge, make sure your seat belt is fastened.
12) There are two kinds of pedestrians. The quick and the dead.
13) A closed mouth gathers no feet.
14) Its not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere.
15) JURY: twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
16) The only difference between a rut and the grave is the depth.


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