On the Lighter Side
A lady was walking down the street to work and she
saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
During the summer when the power mower was broken
and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed,
but somehow the message never sunk in.
TOP 17 BLOOPERS FOUND IN CHURCH BULLETINS
17. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and
other items to be recycled.
16. The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday
15. Evening Massage - 6 p.m.
14. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
13. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet
Thursday from 7 to 8 PM.
12. Ushers will eat latecomers.
11. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
10. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
9. The eighth-graders will be presenting
Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m.
8. The concert held in the Fellowship Hall was a
7. On a church bulletin during the pastor's
6. Potluck supper: Prayer and medication to follow.
5. Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.
4. The Rector is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary.
3. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
2. The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir!!
AND THE NUMBER 1 BLOOPER FOUND IN CHURCH
Random Thoughts and Middle Age Wisdom
1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
3. I am in shape. Round's a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
5. Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
6. I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
7. Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window?
8. Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
9. You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She is 97 today and we don't know where she is.
10. The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
11. Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing a bank robbery has just taken place.
12. I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
13. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
14. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
15. I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it is such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
16. A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
17. Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library; the James Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
A wealthy easterner who had grown up in the country before going east to make his fortune, decided to return to for a deer hunt. So he called an old family friend to see if he would act as a guide. The man replied, "Sorry, I don't guide hunters any more. I only take out fishing parties." "Why's that?" asked the wealthy easterner. "Getting a little too old for the trails?" "Nope," replied the guide, "I've never had a fisherman mistake me for a fish."
A young farmer couple got married, and they just
couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. Just before leaving the house for the
fields at dawn, they made love, and when the husband returned home at evening
they had another go, both before and after supper, and then again a few more
times during the night.
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do." is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
A lawyer's last thoughts,,,,,,,,
A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and
he called to his wife.
You know your drinking too much coffee when:
Some Wisdom from Our Senior Citizens
1) I started with nothing. I still have most of