Just Joking

January 2001- Happy New Year!


A pastor was addressing the children during the Christmas service. "Who is the mother of Jesus?" he asked them.
Without hesitation, dozens of tiny voices chorused back "Mary."
"That's right. Now who can tell me who is the father of Jesus?"
There was quiet and fidgeting. After all, no one told them there was going to be a quiz. Then a young girl spoke up. With assurance, she boldly announced:
"I know. It's Virg."
"You know," she said, "Virg & Mary."


There once was a lady who was very concerned about her missing parrot. Not knowing what to do, she called 911.
"You gotta help me find my parrot!"
The operator patiently replied, "We can't help you with that, ma'am. This number only deals with emergencies."
But the lady persisted, and then the operator told her not to be concerned, that the parrot should fly back in a few days.
Then, out of desperation, the lady begged, "But you don't understand!
The only thing he says is "Here, kitty, kitty!!!"


Top Advertising Goofs of the Century

Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as, "Suffer from diarrhea."

Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick".

Chevrolet introduced the Nova car into Mexico. Unfortunately, the word 'nova' in Spanish translates into 'Won't go'

Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem-Feeling Free", was translated into the Japanese market as "When smoking Salem, you will feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read English.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into "Schweppes Toilet Water."

Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave," in Chinese.

Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant".


The history class was studying the Revolutionary battle of Saratoga which was probably lost because General William Howe chose to remain in Philadelphia. The teacher then asked the class to explain this major British defeat.
"Lack of no Howe," answered a voice from the back of the classroom


The Pentagon once did a study on why so many American Servicemen marry women in the countries where they're stationed. Contrary to popular belief, loneliness had nothing to do with it.
Once the men rotated back to the US, all their in-laws were thousands of miles away.


When her late husband's will was read, a widow learned he had left the bulk of his fortune to another woman.
Enraged, she rushed to change the inscription on her spouse's tombstone.
"Sorry, lady," said the stonecutter. "I inscribed 'Rest in Peace' on your orders. I can't change it now."
"Very well," she said grimly.
"Just add, `Until We Meet Again.' "


The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"


Judi and Monika were having a rare heart to heart talk.
"What do you consider your worst vice," Judi asked.
"I don't like to admit it," Monika said, "but my worst vice is vanity. Sometimes I sit in front of the mirror and just admire my face."
"I wouldn't worry about it," said Judi. "That's not vanity. That's imagination."


An old farmer is outside for a walk around his land when he sees a sign on his neighbor's lawn: "Horse for Sale". Curious, he decides to have a look-see. As he approaches his neighbor's stable, he sees his old Italian friend brushing down a fine looking stallion.
"Hello friend, I saw your sign out there and came over to see your horse for sale."
Now, the Italian farmer speaks very poor English, but manages to answer well enough. "Yep, yep, disa is da horse for-a sale."
"This horse here?" quizzes the old farmer, "Why he's a fine horse! Why-ever would you sell him?"
"Well," sighs the Italian farmer, "He no looka so good anymore."
The old farmer, convinced that his neighbor has lost his mind, makes the sale and leads the horse across his field over to the stable. As he taps the horse gently on the back to coax him into the stable, he watches as the horse misses the door completely and smacks head first into the wall.
"That ol' cheat sold me a near blind horse!" growls the old farmer. He then proceeds to storm over across the field, reigns in hand, to give his neighbor a piece of his mind.
"You sold me a near blind horse you ol' cheat and you didn't even tell me!" he screams.
"Eh! I tolla you!" cries the Italian farmer, "I say, 'he no looka so good anymore!'"


How to identify where a driver is from:

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: MONTREAL
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: New Brunswicker, driving in New Jersey.
7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head > turned to talk to someone in back seat: MONCTON
8. One hand on Large Tim Hortons, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SAINT JOHN
9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: MIRAMICHI
10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: McADAM
11. Two hands gripping wheel, blonde hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 in the left lane on the new 4 lane Trans Canada with the left blinker on: MOM


First Day

My youngest child was thrilled when her turn came to enter kindergarten. To make sure we had plenty of time to eat breakfast and get ready on the first day, I woke everybody up early -- so early that it was still dark.
I was dressing when my little daughter came into my room looking troubled. "What's wrong?" I asked, mustering as much cheerfulness as I could at that hour. "This is your big day!"
She blurted, "You didn't tell me I was going to night school."


My toddler and I were shopping when a heavily tattooed man strolled by. My daughter's eyes grew wide as she said, "I'll bet his mother took away all HIS markers!"


The Ideal Husband

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, It's me." "Sugar!" "Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... it is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00"
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?" "Only $60,000..."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great!, before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beach front property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $850,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $820,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye... I do too..."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:
"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"


It makes sense...........

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year (the only members of the deer family, Cervidae, to have females which do so).
Male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolf to Blitzen........had to be a female.
We should've known this when when they were able to find their way.


I just knew I was in big trouble at work when...

...the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me.
...the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area.
...my assistant began responding to my memos with, "Yeah, whatever."
...I got a "It's for you loser" .wav receiving e-mail, & not a chime.
...my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 last weekend.
...the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record.
...the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract.
...I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work.
...my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.
...my secretary sez things like "Get the phone, my nails aren't dry."
...three people began helping me write a "desk manual" for my job.
...the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes.
...a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets.
...the receptionist began saying "Who ???" to anyone calling on me.


The Brooklyn Math Test...........

A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came a Brooklyn New Yorker. "I'm not hiring any wise-ass Brooklyn New Yorker," the foreman thought to himself, so he made up a test hoping that the BNY wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.
"Here's your first question," the foreman said.
"Without using numbers, represent the number 9.
"Without numbiz?" the BNY says. "Dat's easy," and proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ain't you got no brains? Tree 'n tree n' tree makes nine."
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The BNY stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dare ya go," he says.
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each a da tree's is dirty now! So it's dirty tree, 'n dirty tree,'n dirty tree. Dat's 99."
The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so he says, "Alright, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
Mr. BNY stares into space again, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "Dare ya go. A hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred."
The BNY leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now you've got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, an' dirty tree an' a turd, which makes one hundred.
When do I freakin' start?"


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