February - Shortest Jokes of the Year

Shorts

HOW DO CRAZY PEOPLE GO THROUGH THE FOREST?
THEY TAKE THE PSYCHO PATH.

WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL?
DAM!

WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE TOO LONG?
POLAROIDS

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?
A STICK.

WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?
NACHO CHEESE.

WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?
SUBORDINATE CLAUSES.

WHAT DO YOU CALL FOUR BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND?
QUATTRO SINKO.

WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?
SPOILED MILK.

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE?
FROSTBITE.

WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?
A NERVOUS WRECK.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA SOUP?
ANYONE CAN ROAST BEEF

WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS?
RIGHT WHERE YOU LEFT HIM.

WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
BECAUSE THEY HAVE BIG FINGERS.

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A HOOVER?
THE LOCATION OF THE DIRT BAG.

WHY DO A PILGRIM'S PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN?
BECAUSE THEY WEAR THEIR BELT BUCKLE ON THEIR HAT.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND A BAD SKYDIVER?
A BAD GOLFER GOES, WHACK, DANG IT!.
A BAD SKYDIVER GOES DANG IT!! WHACK

WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP, CLOP, BANG, BANG, CLOP, CLOP, CLOP?
AN AMISH DRIVE-BY SHOOTING

HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND A TENNESSEE DIVORCE THE SAME?
SOMEBODY'S GONNA LOSE A TRAILER

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way. So he says, "Geez, all I can smell is . . . . .






Get Ready! . . . . . .








Don't ya love it when ya have to scroll down?








molasses."

The Blonde Cowboy

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots. So the sheriff arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up he asks " Why in the world are you dressed like this'?
Cowboy: " Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her.... and I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt, . .so I did ....
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants So I did...
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...So I did...
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of funny and says:
"Now go to town cowboy....
" So here I am.

Super Bowl

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"
The man says no.
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."
"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"
"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair)
2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." (Evidently, the shoplifter special)
3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how. . . ?)
4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost."(But it's *just* a suggestion)
5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down." (Oops, too late!)
6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (As night follows the day . . . .)
7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."(But wouldn't this save even more time?)
8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope)
10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)
11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts." (NEWS FLASH)
13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: Fly Delta.)
14. On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame parents for this one.)
15. On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Was there a chance of this happening somewhere? . . . Good grief.)
16. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid: "Do not use on food." (Hey, Mom, we're out of syrup! It's OK honey just grab the Palmolive!)
17. On a tube of Crest Toothpaste: "If swallowed contact poison control." (Oh please have you ever heard about someone dying from swallowing a little toothpaste?)
18. On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent: "Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine." (Hey no more swimming in the washing machine kids.... Aww you mean we have to use the swimming pool?)

What Does a Canadian Have to be Proud of?

- Smarties.
- Crispy Crunch.
- Coffee Crisp.
- The size of our footballs, fields and one less down.
- Lacrosse is Canadian.
- Hockey is Canadian.
- Basketball is Canadian.
- Mr. Dress-up can kick Mr. Rogers butt.
- Tim Hortons kicks Dunkin' Donuts butt.
- In the war of 1812, we pushed the Americans so far back ... passed their 'White House', we burned it and most of Washington... under the command of William Lyon McKenzie, who was insane and hammered all the time. We got bored because they ran away, so we came home and partied. Go figure.
- Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.
- The largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war.
- Our civil war was a big bar fight that lasted a little over an hour.
- The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, who slept in and missed the whole thing, but showed up just in time to get caught.
- We knew plaid was cool far before Seattle caught on.
- The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface and is still around as the worlds oldest company.
- The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes.
- We still know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.
- We don't marry our kin-folk.
- We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, velcro, zippers, zambonis, the telephone and the long distance and short wave radios that have saved countless lives each year.
- Oh ya...the handles on beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on.
- We've ALL frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.
- We can out drink Americans in a heart beat.
OOOOHHHH CANADA!!!
P.S. We can campaign and elect a leader in five weeks ... and get the votes counted correctly on the first try.

The Best Fish'n Chips

Lost on a rainy night, a traveler stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had. After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She is met by two brothers,
"Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."
"I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?
" Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."
She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be ...?"
"Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk."

Dead Horse Quandary

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.
But in modern business, education and government, because heavy investment factors are taken into consideration, other strategies are often tried with dead horses, including the following:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Threatening the horse with termination.
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7. Reclassifying the dead horse as "living-impaired."
8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.
11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
12. Declaring that the dead horse carries lower overhead and therefore contributes more to the bottom line then some other horses.
13. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
15. Hire a consultant to tell you the horse is dead.

What's your Drink?

A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment, where he soon discovered she was actually well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get intimate with her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors, and offered her a glass of wine. He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said,
"Oh, Sherry, by all means. To me, it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma, and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world."
She continued, "On the other hand, Port makes me fart."

THE SENILITY PRAYER

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
ONE- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
TWO- My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
THREE- I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
FOUR- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
FIVE- All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
SIX- If all is not lost, where is it?
SEVEN- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
EIGHT- Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
NINE- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
TEN- When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
ELEVEN- It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.
TWELVE- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

THE ROPE

Following a dramatic rescue from a raging river, 11 people precariously hung to a rope attached to a helicopter--ten men and one woman. Informed that one person had to get off or the rope would break and everyone would die, no one could decide who should go.
Finally the woman gave a moving speech. She said she would happily give up her life to save the others, that women were used to sacrificing for their husbands and children, and being subservient to men.
The second she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.
Never Underestimate the Power of a Woman.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:

...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
...she thought a quarterback was a refund.
...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
...she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
...she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
...she thought General Motors was in the army.
...she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
...she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
...she tripped over a cordless phone.
...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."
...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius."
...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
...she studied for a blood test.
...she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
...she sold the car for gas money!
...when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
...when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
...she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
...if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
...she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
...she had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

SHE'S NEW TO FOOTBALL

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game.
Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.
"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"

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