February - Shortest
Jokes of the Year
HOW DO CRAZY PEOPLE GO THROUGH THE FOREST?
THEY TAKE THE PSYCHO PATH.
WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE
WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE TOO LONG?
WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?
WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?
WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?
DO YOU CALL FOUR BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND?
YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU
CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE?
WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM
OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?
A NERVOUS WRECK.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA SOUP?
ANYONE CAN ROAST BEEF
WHERE DO YOU
FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS?
RIGHT WHERE YOU LEFT HIM.
WHY DO GORILLAS
HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
BECAUSE THEY HAVE BIG FINGERS.
WHAT IS THE
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A HOOVER?
THE LOCATION OF THE DIRT BAG.
WHY DO A PILGRIM'S PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN?
BECAUSE THEY WEAR THEIR
BELT BUCKLE ON THEIR HAT.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND
A BAD SKYDIVER?
A BAD GOLFER GOES, WHACK, DANG IT!.
A BAD SKYDIVER GOES
DANG IT!! WHACK
WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP, CLOP, BANG, BANG, CLOP, CLOP,
AN AMISH DRIVE-BY SHOOTING
HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND A
TENNESSEE DIVORCE THE SAME?
SOMEBODY'S GONNA LOSE A TRAILER
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live
in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole,
sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks
her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"
baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't
because the bigger moles are in the way. So he says, "Geez, all I can smell is
. . . . .
Get Ready! . . . . . .
Don't ya love it when ya have to scroll
The Blonde Cowboy
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the
street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his
cowboy hat, gun and his boots. So the sheriff arrests him for indecent
exposure. As he is locking him up he asks " Why in the world are you dressed
Cowboy: " Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down
the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home
with her.... and I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me
to pull off my shirt, . .so I did ....
Then she pulls off her skirt and
asks me to pull off my pants So I did...
Then she pulls off her panties and
asks me to pull off my shorts...So I did...
Then she gets on the bed and
looks at me kind of funny and says:
"Now go to town cowboy....
" So here
A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the
Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he
realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer
to the Goodyear blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter,
Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He
decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the
security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman
sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"
The man says no.
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again
inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind
would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?"
replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with
my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been
together at since we got married in 1967."
"Well, that's really sad," says
Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or
"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."
In case you needed further proof that the human
race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on
1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping."
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair)
2. On a bag of
Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(Evidently, the shoplifter special)
3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions:
Use like regular soap." (And that would be how. . . ?)
4. On some Swanson
frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost."(But it's *just* a suggestion)
5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn
upside down." (Oops, too late!)
6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating." (As night follows the day . . . .)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."(But wouldn't
this save even more time?)
8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not
drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a
lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those
5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
9. On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope)
10. On most brands of
Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)
11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta
admit, I'm curious.)
12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts."
13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions:
Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: Fly Delta.)
14. On a child's Superman
costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame
the company, I blame parents for this one.)
15. On a Swedish chain saw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Was there a chance
of this happening somewhere? . . . Good grief.)
16. On a bottle of
Palmolive Dishwashing liquid: "Do not use on food." (Hey, Mom, we're out of
syrup! It's OK honey just grab the Palmolive!)
17. On a tube of Crest
Toothpaste: "If swallowed contact poison control." (Oh please have you ever
heard about someone dying from swallowing a little toothpaste?)
18. On a
bottle of ALL laundry detergent: "Remove clothing before distributing in
washing machine." (Hey no more swimming in the washing machine kids.... Aww you
mean we have to use the swimming pool?)
What Does a Canadian Have to be Proud of?
- Crispy Crunch.
- The size of our footballs, fields and one less down.
Lacrosse is Canadian.
- Hockey is Canadian.
- Basketball is Canadian.
- Mr. Dress-up can kick Mr. Rogers butt.
- Tim Hortons kicks Dunkin'
- In the war of 1812, we pushed the Americans so far back ...
passed their 'White House', we burned it and most of Washington... under the
command of William Lyon McKenzie, who was insane and hammered all the time. We
got bored because they ran away, so we came home and partied. Go figure.
Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.
- The largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew
during any war.
- Our civil war was a big bar fight that lasted a little
over an hour.
- The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an
American mercenary, who slept in and missed the whole thing, but showed up just
in time to get caught.
- We knew plaid was cool far before Seattle caught
- The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface
and is still around as the worlds oldest company.
- The average dog sled
team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes.
- We still
know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.
- We don't marry our
- We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, velcro, zippers, zambonis, the
telephone and the long distance and short wave radios that have saved countless
lives each year.
- Oh ya...the handles on beer cases are big enough to fit
your hands with mitts on.
- We've ALL frozen our tongues to something
metal and lived to tell about it.
- We can out drink Americans in a heart
P.S. We can campaign and elect a leader in
five weeks ... and get the votes counted correctly on the first try.
The Best Fish'n Chips
Lost on a rainy night, a traveler stumbles across
a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for
dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had. After dinner,
she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She is met by two brothers,
"Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."
pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The
fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked
" Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."
the other brother and says, "Then you must be ...?"
"Yes, I'm afraid I'm
the chip monk."
Dead Horse Quandary
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on
from one generation to the next, says that when you discover that you are
riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.
But in modern
business, education and government, because heavy investment factors are taken
into consideration, other strategies are often tried with dead horses,
including the following:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Threatening the horse with termination.
4. Appointing a committee to
study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7. Reclassifying the dead horse as "living-impaired."
8. Hiring outside
contractors to ride the dead horse.
9. Harnessing several dead horses
together to increase speed.
10. Providing additional funding and/or
training to increase the dead horse's performance.
11. Doing a productivity
study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
12. Declaring that the dead horse carries lower overhead and therefore
contributes more to the bottom line then some other horses.
the expected performance requirements for all horses.
14. Promoting the
dead horse to a supervisory position.
15. Hire a consultant to tell you the
horse is dead.
What's your Drink?
A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an
exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment, where he soon discovered
she was actually well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get
intimate with her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings,
first editions by famous authors, and offered her a glass of wine. He asked
whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said,
"Oh, Sherry, by all
means. To me, it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal
clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper
is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the
enchanting aroma, and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though
I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound
of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported
into another world."
She continued, "On the other hand, Port makes me
THE SENILITY PRAYER
God grant me the senility to forget the people I
never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the
eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up),
here's what I've discovered:
ONE- I started out with nothing, and I still
have most of it.
TWO- My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
THREE- I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
FOUR- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
FIVE- All reports
are in; life is now officially unfair.
SIX- If all is not lost, where is
SEVEN- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
NINE- It's hard to
make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
TEN- When I'm finally
holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.
TWELVE- The only
difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Following a dramatic rescue from a raging river,
11 people precariously hung to a rope attached to a helicopter--ten men and one
woman. Informed that one person had to get off or the rope would break and
everyone would die, no one could decide who should go.
Finally the woman
gave a moving speech. She said she would happily give up her life to save the
others, that women were used to sacrificing for their husbands and children,
and being subservient to men.
The second she finished speaking, all the men
Never Underestimate the Power of a Woman.
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she
...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
...she thought a
quarterback was a refund.
...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical
...she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
...she thought General Motors was in
...she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
...under "education" on her job
application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
...she tripped over a cordless
...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it
...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and
...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign
here," she put "Sagittarius."
...she asked for a price check at the Dollar
...she studied for a blood test.
...she thought she needed a
token to get on "Soul Train."
...she sold the car for gas money!
...when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
...when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left,"
she turned around and went home.
...when she heard that 90% of all crimes
occur around the home, she moved.
...she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican
...if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
...she had a
shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
SHE'S NEW TO FOOTBALL
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football
Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.
"I liked it, but I
couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the