March - Time to Spring some Jokes!

The Vet's Office

One day at the veterinarian's office where I take my cat, a man, and the receptionist were verbally sparring. After a few moments a technician came to her co-worker's defense. "Sir," she interjected, "do you know what happens to aggressive males in this office?"

"Survivor" in Texas

CBS television is developing a "Texas Version" of "Survivor", the popular television show. Contestants must travel from El Paso through Fort Worth, Dallas, Houston, and back to Amarillo, through Texarkana and Lubbock driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads: "I voted for Gore, I'm gay and I'm here to take your guns". The first to complete the round trip alive is the winner.

Dictionary

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.


MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!

Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!

Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .

Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border collie do it..You can feed me while he's busy.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...


Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?


Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

A Senior Moment

At 85 years, Morris married a lovely 25 yr old woman. Because her new husband was so old, the young bride decided that on their wedding night, they should have separate bedrooms. She was concerned that the old fellow could over exert himself.

After the wedding festivities, she prepared herself for bed and for the knock on the door. Sure enough, the knock came and there stood her 85 year old groom, ready to consummate their marriage. They did and all went well. The groom took his leave and she prepared to sleep for the night.

After a few minutes, there was another knock on the door and there stood old Morris again. Somewhat surprised, she consented and again they were successful. The octogenarian once again bid her a fond good night and left. She was certainly ready for slumber at this point and fell asleep.

A third time, there was a knock at the door and there stood Morris, as fresh as a 25 yr old. As they basked in the afterglow, the young bride said to Morris, "I'm thoroughly impressed that at your age you have enough stamina to come to my room three times in one night. You're a great lover, Morris."

Morris, now looking quite confused, turned to her and asked, "You mean I was here already? "

Signs of the 2000s

1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
7. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
8. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
9. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.
10. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
11. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
12. You have your resume on a diskette.
13. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.
14. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
15. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
16. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.
17. It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.
18. You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire.
19. You see a good looking, smart person and you know it must be a visitor.
20. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
21. You're already late on the assignment you just got.
22. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department is short of, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
23. Vacation time is something you roll over to next year.
24. Every week another brown collection envelope comes around because someone you DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WORKED THERE is leaving.
25. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".
26. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are on your desktop.
AND THE CLINCHERS ARE...
27. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
28. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends you send jokes to" in e-mail group.

A Hollywood film crew was on location on the Alberta Morley Indian reserve in Western Canada. One day an elder of the Indian tribe came by the set and walked up to the director.
"Tomorrow, it will rain," said the elder.
The next day, it rained.
A week later, the elder came to the director and said, "Tomorrow, it will storm."
The next day, there was a hail storm.
"This Native guy is incredible," said the director. He told his production assistant to hire the elder to predict the weather for the remainder of the shoot. Unfortunately, after several successful predictions, the old man stopped coming to the set. A week went by before the director finally sent for him.
"I have to shoot a pivotal scene tomorrow," said the director. "I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"
The elder shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "My radio is broken."

A blonde hurries into the emergency room

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well I was trying to commit suicide" the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off???"
"No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise."
"So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

The Worst Golf Foursome Ever

The Worst Golf Foursome Ever:
1. Monica Lewinsky
2. OJ Simpson
3. Ted Kennedy
4. Bill Clinton

Why You Ask?
1. Monica Is A Hooker
2. OJ Is A Slicer
3. Ted Kennedy Can't Drive Over The Water,
And 4. Bill Clinton Can't Remember Which Hole He Played Last

Bear Hunting

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. When the enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

THE TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOUR CO-WORKER IS A COMPUTER HACKER

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.
9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.
8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.
5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"
4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.
3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons
2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."
1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."

Wear Your Seat Belt!

A lady who was speeding had an officer pulled her to the side of the road. She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.
After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt.
Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"
"Yes, I do, officer," she replied.
"Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?"

After 70 years of marriage

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years, and they were still very clearly in love. While the wife was off in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that, after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head.
"I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about ten years ago."

THINGS I WISH I'D KNOWN BEFORE I WENT OUT IN THE REAL WORLD

1. Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying "Thank you" though it helps if you say it with a Southern accent.
2. Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are on-stage singing, some are in the audience as critics and some are there to applaud. Know who and where you are.
3. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
4. When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.
5. Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiter.
6. Good sex should involve laughter. Because it's, you know, funny.
7. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
8. If you tell a lie, don't believe it deceives only the other person.
9. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right".
10. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
11. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
12. The only really good advice that I remember my mother ever gave me was "Go! You might meet somebody!"
13. If he says that you are too good for him - believe him.
14. I've learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"
15. At hard times I ask myself, "How do I feel? What do I want?" I use it whenever I'm at loss for words or thoughts.
16. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
17. If you woke up breathing, congratulations. You have another chance.
18. If you move far from your family when you're young, consider choosing a career with an airline. Your need to see your family will last a lifetime, as will your travel benefits.
19. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just proves that the other person was right about you.
20. Be really nice to your friends because you never know when you are going to need them to empty your bed urinal and hold your hand.
21. Work is good but it's not that important.
22. Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man.
23. And finally ... Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect, it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.

"Things Not To Say On Your Valentine's Date..."

* Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?
* I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
* No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good to mix alcohol and penicillin. *
I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.
* I used to come here all the time with my ex.
* I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.
* Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
* I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
* And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.
* I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.
* It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.

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