March - Time to
Spring some Jokes!
The Vet's Office
One day at the veterinarian's office where I take
my cat, a man, and the receptionist were verbally sparring. After a few moments
a technician came to her co-worker's defense. "Sir," she interjected, "do you
know what happens to aggressive males in this office?"
"Survivor" in Texas
CBS television is developing a "Texas Version" of
"Survivor", the popular television show. Contestants must travel from El Paso
through Fort Worth, Dallas, Houston, and back to Amarillo, through Texarkana
and Lubbock driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads: "I voted for
Gore, I'm gay and I'm here to take your guns". The first to complete the round
trip alive is the winner.
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both
ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where
women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after
they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is
usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a
lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one
person at a time.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
other people have. You have character lines.
How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is
young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about
a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll
replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and
he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling.
Let the servants. . . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the
light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border
collie do it..You can feed me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why
change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Pointer: I see it, there it is,
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate
was a light bulb?
A Senior Moment
At 85 years, Morris married a lovely 25 yr old
woman. Because her new husband was so old, the young bride decided that on
their wedding night, they should have separate bedrooms. She was concerned that
the old fellow could over exert himself.
After the wedding festivities,
she prepared herself for bed and for the knock on the door. Sure enough, the
knock came and there stood her 85 year old groom, ready to consummate their
marriage. They did and all went well. The groom took his leave and she prepared
to sleep for the night.
After a few minutes, there was another knock on
the door and there stood old Morris again. Somewhat surprised, she consented
and again they were successful. The octogenarian once again bid her a fond good
night and left. She was certainly ready for slumber at this point and fell
A third time, there was a knock at the door and there stood
Morris, as fresh as a 25 yr old. As they basked in the afterglow, the young
bride said to Morris, "I'm thoroughly impressed that at your age you have
enough stamina to come to my room three times in one night. You're a great
Morris, now looking quite confused, turned to her and
asked, "You mean I was here already? "
Signs of the 2000s
1. You try to enter your password on the
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.
5. You chat several
times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven't spoken to your
next door neighbor yet this year.
6. Your reason for not staying in touch
with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
7. You hear most of
your jokes via email instead of in person.
8. When you go home after a long
day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
9. When you
make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside
10. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
11. Your company's welcome sign is attached with
12. You have your resume on a diskette.
13. Your biggest loss
from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.
supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
16. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries
annual budgets combined.
17. It's dark when you drive to and from work,
even in the summer.
18. You know exactly how many days you've got left
until you retire.
19. You see a good looking, smart person and you know it
must be a visitor.
20. Free food left over from meetings is your staple
21. You're already late on the assignment you just got.
There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department is
short of, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising
your boss's boss on strategy.
23. Vacation time is something you roll over
to next year.
24. Every week another brown collection envelope comes around
because someone you DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WORKED THERE is leaving.
relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".
only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are on your
AND THE CLINCHERS ARE...
27. You read this entire list, and
kept nodding and smiling.
28. As you read this list, you think about
forwarding it to your "friends you send jokes to" in e-mail group.
A Hollywood film crew was on location on the
Alberta Morley Indian reserve in Western Canada. One day an elder of the Indian
tribe came by the set and walked up to the director.
"Tomorrow, it will
rain," said the elder.
The next day, it rained.
A week later, the elder
came to the director and said, "Tomorrow, it will storm."
The next day,
there was a hail storm.
"This Native guy is incredible," said the director.
He told his production assistant to hire the elder to predict the weather for
the remainder of the shoot. Unfortunately, after several successful
predictions, the old man stopped coming to the set. A week went by before the
director finally sent for him.
"I have to shoot a pivotal scene tomorrow,"
said the director. "I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"
The elder shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "My radio is
A blonde hurries into the emergency room
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one
night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the
emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well I was trying to commit suicide" the
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide
by shooting your finger off???"
"No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put
the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast
implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid
$3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This
is going to make a loud noise."
"So I put my finger in the other ear before
I pulled the trigger."
The Worst Golf Foursome Ever
The Worst Golf Foursome Ever:
2. OJ Simpson
3. Ted Kennedy
4. Bill Clinton
1. Monica Is A Hooker
2. OJ Is A Slicer
3. Ted Kennedy
Can't Drive Over The Water,
And 4. Bill Clinton Can't Remember Which Hole
He Played Last
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the
cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot
at it but only wounded it. When the enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped
his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty
fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close
behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside,
"You skin this one while I go and get another!"
THE TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOUR CO-WORKER IS A
10. You ticked him off once and your next phone
bill was $20,000.
9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes
three years running.
8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in
7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.
5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95
times during the movie "The Net"
4. Massive RRSP contribution made in
3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption"
2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr.
1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now,
Wear Your Seat Belt!
A lady who was speeding had an officer pulled her
to the side of the road. She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she
stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.
After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are
wearing your seat belt.
Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"
"Yes, I do, officer," she replied.
"Well," asked the officer, "do you
always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?"
After 70 years of marriage
An elderly gent was invited to his old friends'
home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded
every request to his wife with endearing terms calling her Honey, My Love,
Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years,
and they were still very clearly in love. While the wife was off in the
kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful
that, after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those
loving pet names."
The old man hung his head.
"I have to tell you the
truth," he said, "I forgot her name about ten years ago."
THINGS I WISH I'D KNOWN BEFORE I WENT OUT IN THE REAL WORLD
1. Any and all compliments can be handled by
simply saying "Thank you" though it helps if you say it with a Southern accent.
2. Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra,
some are on-stage singing, some are in the audience as critics and some are
there to applaud. Know who and where you are.
3. Never give yourself a
haircut after three margaritas.
4. When baking, follow directions. When
cooking, go by your own taste.
5. Never continue dating anyone who is rude
to the waiter.
6. Good sex should involve laughter. Because it's, you know,
7. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move
and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
you tell a lie, don't believe it deceives only the other person.
five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and
"You are right".
10. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
11. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat
crow while it's still warm.
12. The only really good advice that I remember
my mother ever gave me was "Go! You might meet somebody!"
13. If he says
that you are too good for him - believe him.
14. I've learned to pick my
battles; I ask myself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one
month? One week? One day?"
15. At hard times I ask myself, "How do I feel?
What do I want?" I use it whenever I'm at loss for words or thoughts.
Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
17. If you woke up breathing,
congratulations. You have another chance.
18. If you move far from your
family when you're young, consider choosing a career with an airline. Your need
to see your family will last a lifetime, as will your travel benefits.
Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or
former relationship just proves that the other person was right about you.
20. Be really nice to your friends because you never know when you are
going to need them to empty your bed urinal and hold your hand.
21. Work is
good but it's not that important.
22. Never underestimate the kindness of
your fellow man.
23. And finally ... Being happy doesn't mean everything's
perfect, it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
"Things Not To Say On Your Valentine's Date..."
* Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?
really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1
coupon before it expired.
* No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's
not good to mix alcohol and penicillin. *
I refuse to get cable. That's how
they keep tabs on you.
* I used to come here all the time with my ex.
I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.
* Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on
the answering machine every hour.
* I really feel that I've grown in the
past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second
* And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.
* I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher
will cut that part off for you if you ask.
* It's been tough, but I've come
to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.