April - To fool or not to fool!

Progress for the church

Said the elder Priest to his newly assigned young assistant, " I know you were reaching out to the young people when you had bucket seats put in to replace the first four pews. It worked. We got the front of the church filled first."
The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And, you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir."
So," asked the young priest, "what's the problem?"
Well," said the elder priest, "I'm afraid you went too far with the drive through confessional and the flashing neon sign which reads 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell'.

Actual t-shirt slogans

1. "Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam." (seen on Cape Cod)
2. "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (seen on an 8 year old)
3. "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
4. "Procrastinate Now or Later "
5. "My Dog Can Lick Anyone."
6. "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING."
7. "West Virginia: One Million People, and 12 last names."
8. "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software."
9. "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN."
10. "A hangover is the wrath of grapes."
11. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."
12. "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"
13. "They call it 'PMS' because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken."
14. "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead."
15. "Time's fun when you're having flies.......Kermit the Frog."
16. "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on."
17. "FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once."
18. "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH."
19. "A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory."
20. "The Meek shall inherit the earth....after we're through with it."
21. "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM RURAL SAINT JOHN WHEN:

1. You never meet any celebrities except Fred Penner
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
3. "Vacation" means going to Fredericton.
4. You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular at Summer Fest.
5. You measure distance in hours.
6. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
7. Your classes were cancelled because of cold.
8. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
9. You use a down comforter in the summer.
10. Your grandparents drive at 100/km per hour through 13 feet of snow and raging blizzard - without flinching.
11. You plan your financial future around bingo.
12. You see people wear hunting clothes at social events
13. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
14. You think of the major four food groups as deer meat, beer, fish and hot dogs.
15. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
16. There are always 4 empty cars running in the parking lot at the liquor store at any given time.
17. You only own 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
18. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
19. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
20. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
21. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and flannel pajamas
22. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
23. You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Construction.
24. It takes 3 hours to go to the mall for one item even when you're in a rush because you have to stop and talk to everyone in town.
25. You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your friends from Saint John.

Lessons from Noah

One - Don't miss the boat.
Two - Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three - Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
Four - Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
Five - Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
Six - Build your future on high ground.
Seven- For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Eight - Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the Cheetahs.
Nine - When you're stressed, float a while.
Ten - Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

Poor ole Paw

Maw is outside hangin up the laundry, when she hears Paw in the kitchen. Maw walks in and says, "Paw, get out there and fix that there outhouse."
Paw says, "All right, Maw."
Paw walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
Maw says, "Yes, there is. Put your head down in the hole."
Paw says "I ain't puttin my head in that there hole!"
Maw says, "Well you're gonna have to if'n you're gonna fix the problem!"
Paw puts his head down in the hole (just a little bit mind ya) and he hollers, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
Maw hollers, "Now pull your head out of the hole."
Paw goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! OWW! Maw! MAW, my beard's stuck in the cracks in the seat!"
Maw says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"

"It's started..."

This guy comes home from an exhausting day at work and plops down on the couch in front of the television.
"Quick, get me a beer before it starts," he says to his wife.
His wife sighs and gets him a beer.
"Quick," he says fifteen minutes later, "get me another beer before it starts."
She looks angry, fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer.
"Hey, get me another beer. It's going to start any minute."
She marches out, grabs a beer, and throws it at him.
"Hey, hurry," he says five minutes later. "Get me another beer. It's gonna start now."
His wife is furious. "Is that all you're going to do tonight?" she yells at him. "Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob . . ."
The man sighs. "It's started . . . "

Things You Should Know About Women Part I:

Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control. Women especially love a bargain. The question of 'need' is irrelevant; so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'.
Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.
Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.
Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch.
Women think all beer is the same.
Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.
Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality.
Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.
If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.
Women brush their hair before bed.
Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.
Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?
Women do not know anything about cars. 'Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?'
Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Things You Should Know About Women Part II:

Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter (or at least men think it means that). PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.
The first naked man a woman sees is 'Ken'.
Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man- language.
Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.
Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it.
Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.
If it is not Valentine's Day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'
Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'.
Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights.
All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.
If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys (which gets them in More trouble).
Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they 'left the seat up' instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.
Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
It's okay for women to dance with each other, but you don't see men dancing together.
Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.
The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, 'Oh-my GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!'

Signs Your Cat Is Planning To Kill You

1. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.
2. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill.
3. He actually "does" have your tongue.
4. You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch.
5. Cyanide paw prints all over the house.
6. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed.
7. Droppings in litter box spell out "REDRUM."
8. You find blueprints for a Rube Goldberg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.
9. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.
10. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.
11. Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.
12. You find a piece of paper labeled "MY WIL" which says "LEEV AWL 2 KAT."
13. Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines.
14. Runs to linoleum or tile floor when he's producing a hair ball if he can't make it to the varnished wood basement steps

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
* Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
* Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
* Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
* Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
* Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
* Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
* Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
* Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
* Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.
* Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
* Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
* Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
* Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
* Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
* Kelvin, age 8 "

And my #1 Favorite is........" HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
* Ricky, age 10

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