April - To fool or
not to fool!
Progress for the church
Said the elder Priest to his newly assigned young
assistant, " I know you were reaching out to the young people when you had
bucket seats put in to replace the first four pews. It worked. We got the front
of the church filled first."
The young priest nodded and the old one
continued, "And, you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young
people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll
So," asked the young priest, "what's the problem?"
Well," said the elder priest, "I'm afraid you went too far with the drive
through confessional and the flashing neon sign which reads 'Toot 'n Tell or Go
Actual t-shirt slogans
1. "Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam." (seen
on Cape Cod)
2. "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (seen on an 8 year old)
3. "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
4. "Procrastinate Now or Later "
5. "My Dog Can Lick Anyone."
"ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING."
7. "West Virginia: One
Million People, and 12 last names."
8. "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes
bundled with the software."
9. "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN."
10. "A hangover is the wrath of grapes."
11. "A journey of a thousand
miles begins with a cash advance."
12. "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park
13. "They call it 'PMS' because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already
14. "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead."
"Time's fun when you're having flies.......Kermit the Frog."
STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on."
17. "FOR SALE:
Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once."
18. "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO
DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH."
19. "A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it
uses up a thousand times the memory."
20. "The Meek shall inherit the
earth....after we're through with it."
21. "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for
a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."
YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM RURAL SAINT JOHN WHEN:
1. You never meet any celebrities except Fred
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor
on the highway.
3. "Vacation" means going to Fredericton.
seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular at Summer Fest.
5. You measure distance in hours.
6. You know several people who have
hit deer more than once.
7. Your classes were cancelled because of cold.
8. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
9. You use a
down comforter in the summer.
10. Your grandparents drive at 100/km per
hour through 13 feet of snow and raging blizzard - without flinching.
You plan your financial future around bingo.
12. You see people wear
hunting clothes at social events
13. You install security lights on your
house and garage and leave both unlocked.
14. You think of the major four
food groups as deer meat, beer, fish and hot dogs.
15. You carry jumper
cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
16. There are
always 4 empty cars running in the parking lot at the liquor store at any given
17. You only own 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
19. Driving is
better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
21. You think sexy
lingerie is tube socks and flannel pajamas
22. You know which leaves make
good toilet paper.
23. You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still
Winter, and Construction.
24. It takes 3 hours to go to the mall for one
item even when you're in a rush because you have to stop and talk to everyone
25. You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all
your friends from Saint John.
Lessons from Noah
One - Don't miss the boat.
Two - Remember
that we are all in the same boat.
Three - Plan ahead. It wasn't raining
when Noah built the Ark.
Four - Stay fit. When you're 600 years old,
someone may ask you to do something really big.
Five - Don't listen to
critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
Six - Build your
future on high ground.
Seven- For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
- Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the Cheetahs.
Nine - When you're stressed, float a while.
Ten - Remember, the Ark was
built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
Poor ole Paw
Maw is outside hangin up the laundry, when she
hears Paw in the kitchen. Maw walks in and says, "Paw, get out there and fix
that there outhouse."
Paw says, "All right, Maw."
Paw walks out to the
outhouse, looks at it, and says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here
Maw says, "Yes, there is. Put your head down in the hole."
Paw says "I ain't puttin my head in that there hole!"
Maw says, "Well
you're gonna have to if'n you're gonna fix the problem!"
Paw puts his head
down in the hole (just a little bit mind ya) and he hollers, "Maw, there ain't
nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
Maw hollers, "Now pull your head
out of the hole."
Paw goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! OWW! Maw!
MAW, my beard's stuck in the cracks in the seat!"
Maw says, "Aggravatin',
This guy comes home from an exhausting day at work
and plops down on the couch in front of the television.
"Quick, get me a
beer before it starts," he says to his wife.
His wife sighs and gets him a
"Quick," he says fifteen minutes later, "get me another beer before
She looks angry, fetches another beer and slams it down next to
him. He finishes that beer.
"Hey, get me another beer. It's going to start
She marches out, grabs a beer, and throws it at him.
hurry," he says five minutes later. "Get me another beer. It's gonna start
His wife is furious. "Is that all you're going to do tonight?" she
yells at him. "Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a
lazy, drunken, fat slob . . ."
The man sighs. "It's started . . .
Things You Should Know About Women Part I:
Women love to shop. It is the one area of the
world where they feel like they're actually in control. Women especially love a
bargain. The question of 'need' is irrelevant; so don't bother pointing it out.
Anything on sale is fair game.
Women never have anything to wear. Don't
question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'.
Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear
Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an
effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
Women love to talk. Silence
intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to
Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are.
That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's
a spider or a wasp involved.
Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at
them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing
they only tell two or three people.
Women always go to public restrooms in
groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
Women can't refuse to answer a
ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.
Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't
need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch.
Women think all beer is the
Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in
the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain
Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment
that allows them to escape reality.
Women seek entertainment that reminds
them of how horrible things could be.
If a man goes on a seven-day trip,
he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a
woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know
what she'll feel like wearing each day.
Women brush their hair before bed.
Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.
never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the
Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?
Women do not know
anything about cars. 'Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?'
Women have better
restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl
to share. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A
man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Women love cats. Men
say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
Things You Should Know About Women Part II:
Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit
her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same
friend and they will talk for three hours.
A woman will dress up to go
shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book,
or get the mail.
Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the
possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
Women do NOT want an honest
answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
PMS stands for: Permissible
Man-Slaughter (or at least men think it means that). PMS also stands for
Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.
The first naked man a woman
sees is 'Ken'.
Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one
'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in
woman-language than it does in man- language.
Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar
had nothing on women.
Women cannot use a map without turning the map to
correspond to the direction that they are heading.
All women are overweight
by definition; don't agree with them about it.
Women always have 5 pounds
to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.
If it is not Valentine's Day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can
probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'
understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'.
equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to
cover the responsibilities that go with those rights.
All women seek
equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash,
and picking up the check.
If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond
by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible
for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys (which gets
them in More trouble).
Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem
to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out
because they 'left the seat up' instead of taking two seconds and lowering it
Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get
Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy
despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise
to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
It's okay for women to dance with each
other, but you don't see men dancing together.
Women will spend hours
dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out
other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will
always catch men checking out other women.
The most embarrassing thing for
women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You
don't hear men say, 'Oh-my GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me
Signs Your Cat Is Planning To Kill You
1. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a
2. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill.
3. He actually "does" have your tongue.
4. You find a stash of "Feline
of Fortune" magazines behind the couch.
5. Cyanide paw prints all over the
6. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed.
in litter box spell out "REDRUM."
8. You find blueprints for a Rube
Goldberg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with
flaming oil dumped on your bed.
9. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood
10. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.
Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.
You find a piece of paper labeled "MY WIL" which says "LEEV AWL 2 KAT."
Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines.
14. Runs to linoleum or tile
floor when he's producing a hair ball if he can't make it to the varnished wood
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same
stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and
she should keep the chips and dip coming.
* Alan, age 10
really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it
all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the
person FOREVER by then.
* Camille, age 10
No age is good to get
married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
* Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they
seem to be yelling at the same kids.
* Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
* Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use
them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen
* Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell
each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a
* Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would
call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead
* Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
* Pam, age 7
law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you
should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you
one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all
* Theodore, age 8
It's better for girls to be single
but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
* Anita, age
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain,
* Kelvin, age 8 "
And my #1 Favorite is........" HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she
looks like a truck.
* Ricky, age 10