May - Joke Fever!

The appreciative leprechaun

A man had just finished a putt and reached in the hole to get his ball, >but pulled out a leprechaun!
"Sure, and ye have me," cried the leprechaun. "And if you let me go, for yer tribble, I'll give ye three wishes!"
"Thank you," said the man. "I don't really need anything, so I'll pass on the wishes." He let the leprechaun go, and went off to finish his game.
The leprechaun was dumbfounded. Who had ever heard of such a thing? He sat on a pebble and thought to himself "Such a man as that deserves three wishes! I'll give 'em to 'in spite 'imself! Now what should he wish for?
Why money, of course! Everyone wants money. So, for his first wish he wants to be a millionaire! And second--let's make him a great golfer! And last--ah! Let him have a wonderful sex life.
A month went by and the leprechaun spotted the man playing on the course again. He jumped out of a hole and yelled up to the man "How ye be doing?"
The man smiled and said "Hello, little friend. I be doing just fine."
The leprechaun smiled back and said "And how's your money situation,if you don't mind my askin'?"
"It's funny you should ask," replied the man. "An uncle of mine passed away and left me a fortune!"
"Hah! Is that so? And how's yer golf game now?"
"It's an amazing thing," said the man. "For the past few weeks I can't do worse than two under par!"
"Sure, and that's wonderful!" With a sly look, the leprechaun asked, "And how's yer sex life?"
The man, obviously embarrassed, looked away and coughed, "Well, it's fine. Two or three times a month."
The leprechaun was aghast. "Two or three times a month? That's horrible!"
The man looked up and said, "Actually, it's not bad for a priest in a small parish."

Kindergarten Students

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on?
He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."

She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

Ever have one of those days?

FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS:

New words for an old song. Sing along and loudly! From The Sound of Music. A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting',
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittin's,
Bundles of magazines tied up with string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs, cataracts, hearing aids, glasses,
Polident, Fixodent, false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
Then I remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food nor no food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin'.
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

THEN I REMEMBER THE GREAT LIFE I'VE HAD
AND THEN I DON'T FEEL SOOOO BAAAAD.

A blonde woman named Brandi

A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going >to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and she does not win.
Brandi again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and now I'm going to lose my car."
Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "Dear Lord, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEEEEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God himself...
"Brandi, work with me on this. Buy a ticket!"

Dear Tech Support:

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began by making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Also, Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems but to no avail.

---Desperate -----------------------------

Dear Desperate:
Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command C:\I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create the wave file "Snoring Loudly". DO NOT install MotherinInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3.

---Tech Support

CHURCH PHONE

It seems a man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. He went to a very large church and began taking pictures, etc. He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign which reads "$10,000.00 a minute."

Seeking out the preacher he asks about the phone and the sign. The preacher answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price, he can talk directly to God. He thanks the man and continues on his way.

As he continues to visit churches in Seattle, Boise, Minneapolis, Chicago Milwaukee, New York, Denver, and on around the United States, he finds more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each preacher.

Finally, he arrives in Tennessee. Upon entering a church in Nashville, lo and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone, but THIS time, the sign reads "Calls: 25 cents." Fascinated, he requests to talk to the preacher.

"Sir, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I found this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000.00 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?

"The preacher, smiling benignly, replies,
"Son, you're in the South now, it's a local call.

A PEARL!

! TRUE LOVE
An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing at the stern of the ship watching the moon when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find him. The captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the ship. It read: "Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him aboard and discovered attached to his butt was an oyster. Inside the oyster was a pearl worth $50,000.
Please advise."

The old woman faxed back:
"Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

Subject: ANOTHER BLONDE JOKE!!!!

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic, "It died."
After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.
She says: "What's the story?"
He replies: "Just crap in the carburetor."
She says, "How often do I have to do that?"

15 things to do in Walmart when you spouse is taking too long

Things to Do at WalMart when your spouse/partner is taking there time :

1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we a have code 3 in housewares", ... and see what happens.
5. Put M&M's on lay away.
6. Move " CAUTION WET FLOOR" signs to carpet areas.
7. Set up a tent in the CAMPING DEPARTMENT, tell others you'll only invite them if they bring pillows from BEDDING DEPARTMENT.
8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin crying and ask "Why won't you people just leave me alone".
9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the HUNTING DEPARTMENT, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible".
12. In the AUTO DEPARTMENT, practice your Madonna look usingdifferent size funnels.
13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say, "PICK ME...PICK ME"!!!!!
14. When an announcement come over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream, "N0 ! N0! Its those voices again"!
15. Go to the FITTING ROOMS and yell loud and clear, "Hey we're out of toilet paper in here"

What's in a title?

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end. Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!".
"Really?" he said.
Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store. A clerk answers and Tom says "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"
The clerk replies "Canned or frozen?"

First Trip to a Nude Beach

A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.
She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad.
His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again.
He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets!

Going To A Hockey Game...

Three Canadians and three Americans were traveling to a hockey game.
The three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three Canadians buy only a single ticket.
How are the three people going to travel on only one ticket?", asks an American.
Watch and you'll see," says a Canadian.
They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three Canadians cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket please!" The door opens a crack, a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game they decide to copy the Canadians on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment the Canadians don't buy a ticket at all.
How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed American.
"Watch and you'll see," replies a Canadian.
When they board the train the three Americans cram into a bathroom and the three Canadians cram into another bathroom nearby. Once the train leaves the station, one of the Canadians leaves and walks over to the other bathroom where the Americans are hiding, knocks on the door and says,
"Ticket please!"

The Singing Fish

Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.'

Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.'

Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?'

Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.'

Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.'

Mike: 'That's what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off key and it's driving me crazy.
Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?'

The Rules (cats version)

BATHROOMS - Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

DOORS - Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get the door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

CHAIRS AND RUGS - If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human's bare foot.

HAMPERING - If one of your humans is engaged in some activity, and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for hampering:
a. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
b. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book -- unless you can lie across the book itself.
c. When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen, and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.

WALKING - As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

BEDTIME - Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.

LITTER BOX - When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

HIDING - Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses, and you probably will get a treat.

ONE LAST THOUGHT - Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget the guests.

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