Just Joking

June - Summer Fun!


Quotes

1) "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." (Sharon Stone)
2) "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." (Courtney Cox Monica on "Friends")
3) "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." (Jerry Garcia) - (Grateful Dead)
4) "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." (Barbara Bush)-(Former First Lady)
5) Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. (Robin Williams)
6) Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. (Billy Crystal)
7) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." (Rod Stewart)
8) "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." (Bruce Willis)
9) "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan." (George Burns)
10) "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." (Carmen Boyle)-(Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner - 1996)
11) "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." (Henry Kissenger)-(former US Secretary of State)
12) "My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading." (Steve Jobs)-(Founder: Apple Computers)
13) "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." (Dan Rather)
14) "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?" (Arnold Schwarzenegger)
15) "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." (Tiger Woods)
16) "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." (Axel Rose)-(Guns'n'Roses)
17) "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." (Rev. Jesse Jackson)
18) "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." (Jack Nicholson)
19) Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. (Roseanne)
20) According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, whereas, of course, men are just grateful. (Robert De Niro)
21) In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? (Hugh Grant)
22) There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? (Dustin Hoffman)
23) When the sun comes up, I have morals again. (Elizabeth Taylor)
24) There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, "I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." (Jerry Seinfield)
25) See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. (Robin Williams)


A Baptist Dog

This Baptist couple felt it important to own an equally Baptist pet, so they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in a particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity.
They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home. That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new Baptist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks. Well, they said, "Let's try it out". Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!" Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.....
THEY HAD BEEN DECEIVED ...HE WAS A PENTECOSTAL!!!!!


And now, this week's Shallow Thoughts!

I'd love to live life in the fast lane. Unfortunately, I'm married to a speedbump.
Your heart is the most expensive thing that can be broken.
If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?
A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Old jazz fans never die they just turn to soul.
Endeavor to live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry. - Mark Twain
If you see a snake, just kill it. Don't appoint a committee on snakes. -H. Ross Perot
Life is a grindstone. Whether it grinds you down or polishes you up depends upon what you're made of.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Affairs

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."


The Second Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician,"But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong.
The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"


The Third Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted Him with talcum powder.
"Don't move" she whispered."Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."


The Fourth Affair

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir,! that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy, the barman replied "Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly sir,"replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"4 cents", he replies. "FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy.
"Where's the Guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."


The Fifth Affair

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber.
He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Becky," he whispered."Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice "I .. I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ...I slept with your Sister,your best friend, her best friend, and your Mother!"
"I know" Becky whispered softly.
"That's why I poisoned you"


Blonde Joke

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table.
The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes up, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us, so we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together.
The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"


FOR WOMEN ONLY

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside.
" So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain."
The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome."
Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome."
The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."


Password

A woman is helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer,and tells him that he will now need to choose and enter a password that he wants to use when logging on. The husband is in a a rather amorous mood and figures he will try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention so, when the computer asks him to enter his password, he makes it plainly obvious to his wife that he is keying in "penis"...
His wife nearly falls off her chair from laughing so hard when the computer replies:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ***


I'd Love To Be Six Again...

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 50th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered a Big Mac for her along with extra fries and refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with! her husband and collapsed into bed.
He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."


Men vs. Women

Even though we can now explain differences between men and women's social conducts genetically (that's the best excuse I've heard for years), several facts remain puzzling and distinguished professors in the field think answer may be a few centuries away yet ... for instance, can you explain why:
Men are biologically incapable of letting a women light a barbecue.
Men drive to a party, women drive back.
Heterosexual women are not frightened by lesbians, whereas heterosexual men are terrified of homosexuals -- once they are pointed out to them, by women.
Men have flu, women have colds.
Women do not replace tops on jars and tubes. Men put them on so tightly that they cannot be removed at all.
Single-tasking men do one thing well at a time: (e.g. drink a cup of coffee.) In the same time a multitasking women can make breakfast, make the children's sandwiches, organize the window cleaner, phone the office, dress the children, write shopping list, iron a shirt and de-flea the cat.
Women have not yet realized this is an evolutionary disadvantage.
Men warm their posteriors at the fire, women do not.
Women's posteriors enable them to sit comfortably on the floor, men's do not.
A man who regularly visits his mother is a mommy's boy. A women who does the same is a good daughter.
A man who has no difficulty in undressing an adult women will nevertheless prove incapable of fitting a small child into a nightgown.
A woman believes that visitors will be impressed by a clean house. A man believes that the visitors will be impressed with his large stereo system.
Exactly the same haircut will cost $30 more for a woman than it will for a man.


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