July - Hot Fun!

Disorder in the Court

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. They are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes. Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q : Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, never the less?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

Blonde Winner

This blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a mini-van."
But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home."
Finally the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"
The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!"
And she hands the ticket to the manager and he reads...
WIN A BAGEL

From Bad to Worse

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.

Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you .

Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.

Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.

Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You're arrested.
Worse: By your husband.

Good: The teacher thinks your son's great.
Bad: In bed.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.

Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.

Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.

Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex. Bad: You live downtown.

Good: Your wife's kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
Worse: All of them.

Male/Female Dictionary

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
a. Female............Any part under a car's hood.
b. Male...............The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj
a. Female...........Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
b. Male.............. Playing football without a helmet.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
a. Female.....The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
b. Male.........Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a week-end with the boys.

4. BUTT (but) n.
a. Female....The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger.
b. Male.......What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun or goal. Also, good for mooning.

5. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
a. Female......A desire to get married and raise a family.
b. Male.........Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

6. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
a. Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
b. Male.........Anything that can be done while drinking.

7. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
a. Female......An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
b. Male..........An endless source of entertainment, self-statement and male bonding.

8. MAKING LOVE (may-king-luv) n.
a. Female.....The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
b. Male........Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

9. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
a. Female.....A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
b. Male........A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 2 1/2 minutes.

Newfie Flight 101

Newfie Flight 101 was flying from St. John's to Fort McMurray one night, with Russell the Pilot, and Glen the co-pilot. As they approached Fort McMurray airport, they looked out the front window.
"B'jeesus" said Russell "Will ye look at how freakin short dat runway is".
"You're not freakin kiddin, Russell" replied Glen.
"Dis is gonna be one a' de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see" said Russell.
"You're not freakin kiddin, Russell" replied Glen.
"Right Glen. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse" said Russell.
"Right, I'll be doing dat," replied Glen.
"And den ye put de flaps down straight away," said Russell.
"Right, I'll be doing dat," replied Glen.
"And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can," said Russell
"Right, I'll be doing dat," replied Glen.
"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul," said Russell.
"I be doing dat already," replied Glen.
So they approached the runway with Russell and Glen full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Glen put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul. Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tires and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Russell and Glen and everyone on board. As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Russell looked out the front window and said to Glen,
"Dat has gotta be de shortest freakin runway I have EVER seen in me whole life."
Glen looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Russell, but look how freakin wide it is".

10 Ways To Simulate Ski Season:

(This is to remind skiers how to prepare for the ski season and to remind non-skiers why they do not ski.)
10. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.

8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.

5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.

3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snow maker!

2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.

Juan and Amal

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins!
If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender:
''Quick, give me 12 shots of tequila!'' The bartender, giving the man a curious eye, lines up 12 shot glasses and proceeds to fill them.
As he fills them, the man is slamming them down until he gets to the last one.
The bartender says in disbelief: ''Man, I've never seen anyone drink so fast!''
The man replies:''You'd drink fast too if you had what I have.''
Concerned, the bartender asks:''Oh. What do you have?''
The man replies: ''75 cents.''

A cop pulls Jenna Bush over for speeding and he notices her eyes are red.
He says, "Gee, your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?"
Jenna replies, "Gee officer, your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked,
"Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man!"
"Well, I'll be damned!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry, I shouldn't have been so unpleasant about it. Tell me, how long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father -- I was just reading here that the Pope does!"

Moses, Jesus and an Old Man

Moses, Jesus and an old man went golfing one day. On the ninth hole, the green was located at the top of a hill surrounded by a lake on three sides. Moses hit an awesome drive that bounced off the front of the green and into the middle of the lake. No problem. Moses walked to the top of the hill and raised his arms. The waters parted, he walked through on dry land and chipped his ball back onto the green.

Then Jesus, too, hit an unbelievable drive. It bounced off the back of the green and into the middle of the lake. No problem. Jesus walked across the water, raised his hands, the ball came to the surface, and Jesus chipped his ball back onto the green.

Finally, the old man took his shot. His ball bounced off the green and headed for the middle of the lake. But just before it hit the water, a huge fish leaped high into the air and grabbed his ball in its mouth. Then, just before the fish landed back in the water, a giant eagle swooped out of the sky, siezed the fish in its talons and flew away. As the eagle was flying over the green, a brilliant bolt of lightning streaked down and zapped the eagle. The eagle dropped the fish onto the green, where the ball popped out of the fish's mouth and rolled into the hole.

Jesus looked at the old man and said: "If you're gonna show off, Dad, we're not gonna bring you along anymore!"

Skydiver's vs. Golfers

Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A: The golfer goes Whack....."Oh darn" ; the skydiver goes, "Oh, darn"...Whack.

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.
"Oh great! NOW you tell me." said the beginner in a disgusted tone.

The Gorilla

There's one about the guy who taught a Gorilla to play golf and he could hit a ball 500 Yds. The first hole is 501 yds, the Gorilla hits off the tee and sure eneough it goes 500Yds and stops 1 yd from the hole. They go to the green, give the gorilla a putter and he hits the ball, another 500 yds.

One Liners Worth Remembering

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

©WebWise Inc.