July - Hot
Disorder in the Court
These are from a book called Disorder in the
Court. They are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down
and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: What is your date
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something
that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has
he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing
your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, 'Where
am I, Cathy?'
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
A: We both do.
A: We do.
Q: You do?
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest
son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your
picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
She had three children, right?
A: Yes. Q: How many were boys?
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you
describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q : Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this
morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies
have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did
you go to?
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was
dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
Q: Did you check for
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
when you began the autopsy?
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the
patient have still been alive, never the less?
A: Yes, it is possible that
he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.
This blonde goes into a restaurant and notices
there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and
starts screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"
waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a mini-van."
the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home."
Finally the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're
mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have
that as a prize!"
The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a motor
And she hands the ticket to the manager and he reads...
From Bad to Worse
Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.
Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.
Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you .
Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.
Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
For another woman.
Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.
She implicates you.
Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You're arrested.
Worse: By your husband.
Good: The teacher thinks your son's great.
Bad: In bed.
Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife
Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter's
Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit
in your clothes.
Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
weighs 350 pounds.
Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex. Bad: You live
Good: Your wife's kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
All of them.
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female............Any part under a car's hood.
strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj
a. Female...........Fully opening up one's self emotionally to
b. Male.............. Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
a. Female.....The open sharing of
thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
b. Male.........Scratching out a
note before suddenly taking off for a week-end with the boys.
a. Female....The body part that every item of clothing manufactured
makes look bigger.
b. Male.......What you slap when someone's scored a
touchdown, homerun or goal. Also, good for mooning.
a. Female......A desire to get married and raise a
b. Male.........Not trying to pick up other women while out with
6. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
that can be done while drinking.
7. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female......An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
endless source of entertainment, self-statement and male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king-luv) n.
a. Female.....The greatest statement of
intimacy a couple can achieve.
b. Male........Call it whatever you want
just as long as we end up in bed.
9. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl)
a. Female.....A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
b. Male........A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 2 1/2
Newfie Flight 101
Newfie Flight 101 was flying from St. John's to
Fort McMurray one night, with Russell the Pilot, and Glen the co-pilot. As they
approached Fort McMurray airport, they looked out the front window.
"B'jeesus" said Russell "Will ye look at how freakin short dat runway is".
"You're not freakin kiddin, Russell" replied Glen.
"Dis is gonna be one a'
de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see" said Russell.
freakin kiddin, Russell" replied Glen.
"Right Glen. When I give de signal,
you put de engines in reverse" said Russell.
"Right, I'll be doing dat,"
"And den ye put de flaps down straight away," said
"Right, I'll be doing dat," replied Glen.
"And den ye stamp on
dem brakes as hard as ye can," said Russell
"Right, I'll be doing dat,"
"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul,"
"I be doing dat already," replied Glen.
approached the runway with Russell and Glen full of nerves and sweaty palms. As
soon as the wheels hit the ground, Glen put the engines in reverse, put the
flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his
soul. Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tires and lots of smoke, the plane
screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief
of Russell and Glen and everyone on board. As they sat in the cockpit regaining
their composure, Russell looked out the front window and said to Glen,
has gotta be de shortest freakin runway I have EVER seen in me whole life."
Glen looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Russell, but look how freakin
wide it is".
10 Ways To Simulate Ski
(This is to remind skiers how to prepare for the
ski season and to remind non-skiers why they do not ski.)
10. Visit your
local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour.
Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
9. Go to the nearest
hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two
pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.
8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes
and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
7. Buy a pair of gloves and
immediately throw one away.
6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying
$6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.
5. Clip a
lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to
make the ticket lacerate your face.
4. Drive slowly for five hours -
anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray
blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snow maker!
2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them
off because you have to go to the bathroom.
1. Repeat all of the above
every Saturday and Sunday.
Juan and Amal
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a
family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her
husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
responds, "They're twins!
If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
A man walks into a bar and tells the
''Quick, give me 12 shots of tequila!'' The bartender, giving
the man a curious eye, lines up 12 shot glasses and proceeds to fill them.
As he fills them, the man is slamming them down until he gets to the last one.
The bartender says in disbelief: ''Man, I've never seen anyone drink so
The man replies:''You'd drink fast too if you had what I have.''
Concerned, the bartender asks:''Oh. What do you have?''
replies: ''75 cents.''
A cop pulls Jenna Bush over for speeding and he
notices her eyes are red.
He says, "Gee, your eyes look red. Have you been
Jenna replies, "Gee officer, your eyes look glazed, have you
been eating doughnuts?
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped down
on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was
plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of
his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few
minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked,
what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man!"
I'll be damned!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
sorry, I shouldn't have been so unpleasant about it. Tell me, how long have you
"I don't have it, Father -- I was just reading here that
the Pope does!"
Moses, Jesus and an Old
Moses, Jesus and an old man went golfing one day.
On the ninth hole, the green was located at the top of a hill surrounded by a
lake on three sides. Moses hit an awesome drive that bounced off the front of
the green and into the middle of the lake. No problem. Moses walked to the top
of the hill and raised his arms. The waters parted, he walked through on dry
land and chipped his ball back onto the green.
Then Jesus, too, hit an
unbelievable drive. It bounced off the back of the green and into the middle of
the lake. No problem. Jesus walked across the water, raised his hands, the ball
came to the surface, and Jesus chipped his ball back onto the green.
Finally, the old man took his shot. His ball bounced off the green and
headed for the middle of the lake. But just before it hit the water, a huge
fish leaped high into the air and grabbed his ball in its mouth. Then, just
before the fish landed back in the water, a giant eagle swooped out of the sky,
siezed the fish in its talons and flew away. As the eagle was flying over the
green, a brilliant bolt of lightning streaked down and zapped the eagle. The
eagle dropped the fish onto the green, where the ball popped out of the fish's
mouth and rolled into the hole.
Jesus looked at the old man and said:
"If you're gonna show off, Dad, we're not gonna bring you along anymore!"
Skydiver's vs. Golfers
Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and
a bad skydiver?
A: The golfer goes Whack....."Oh darn" ; the skydiver goes,
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his
co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons,
explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the
stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway
and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
"Now what?" the
fellow asked the speechless pro.
"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball
into the cup." the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.
great! NOW you tell me." said the beginner in a disgusted tone.
There's one about the guy who taught a Gorilla to
play golf and he could hit a ball 500 Yds. The first hole is 501 yds, the
Gorilla hits off the tee and sure eneough it goes 500Yds and stops 1 yd from
the hole. They go to the green, give the gorilla a putter and he hits the ball,
another 500 yds.
One Liners Worth
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I almost had a psychic
girlfriend but she left me before we met
I drive way too fast to worry
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
If Barbie is so popular,
why do you have to buy her friends?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't
kickin' hard enough!
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
Quantum Mechanics: The
dreams stuff is made of
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor
excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
If I worked as much as
others, I would do as little as they.
If everything seems to be going well,
you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work
when they find a job.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you
get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a
sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only
used once, never opened, small stain.
Corduroy pillows: They're making
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who
believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the
ice cubes got stuck in my nose.