Just Joking

September - Jokes to Fall For!

Why we have lawyers In The U.S.A. !!

1. January 2000:
Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000.00 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amok inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving tyke was Ms. Robertson's son.

2. June 1998:
A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000.00 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran his hand over with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice someone was at the wheel of the car whose hubcap he was trying to steal.

3. October 1998:
A Terrence Dickson of Bristol, PA, was exiting a house he finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, so Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. This upset Mr. Dickson, so he sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars and change.

4. October 1999:
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, AK was awarded $14,500.00 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard, as was Mr. Williams. The award was less than sought after because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

5. May 2000:
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, PA, $113,500.00 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

6. December 1997:
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the lady's room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000.00 and dental expenses.

Too Funny!

Sarah and Harry were in their nineties when they got married, and they were both still virgins. Needless to say, Harry was pretty excited on their wedding night, having waited so patiently all these years. However, Sarah was very apprehensive because she had developed a heart condition and would have to tell Harry that they could not do it.
Harry sits on the bed wanting Sarah to hurry up. He sends her off to the bathroom to get undressed.
When she reappears in her red silk satin nightie, he gets her to sit next to him. Not knowing how to get things started, he pulls the first strap on her nightie. She blushes just as red as her silk satin nightie. She is really concerned about telling Harry about her heart condition.
In the meantime, Harry is looking at the first breast he has seen since his own mother's. It is hanging there down to her belly button; gravity having taken its course over some ninety years. He realizes her anxiety, but figures she is going to have to be helped a little more.
Now he pulls the second strap and sees the second breast unroll downward before him. Poor Sarah is now beside herself. She is going to have to tell Harry about her heart.
With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she says, "Harry, I have acute angina."
Harry says, "I sure hope so. Your boobs look like hell."

Things to do in Walmart while waiting for your wife

1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples' carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we have a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.
5. Put some M&M's on lay away.
6. Move CAUTION WET FLOOR signs to carpet areas.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department, tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people leave me alone."
9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
10. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible.'
11. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through whisper "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"
15. Go to the fitting room and yell real loud....."Hey we're out of toilet paper in here!"

The worst jokes Ever! Really!!

What did one mountain say to the other mountain after an earthquake?
It's not my fault.

What happened when Abel died?
He became unable.

What did the lightbulb say to its mother?
I wuv you watts and watts.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
It has great food, but no atmosphere.

Why did the ox fall down the hill?
It was an oxident.

What did the cow say to the masked robber?

What did the policeman say to his belly button?
You're under a vest!

You're on top of Mount Everest. How do you get down?
Pluck a duck.

Why was the belt thrown in jail?
He held up a pair of pants.

Why did the nickel jump off the building but the dime didn't?
The dime had more cents.

Two Pretzels were walking down the street.
One was assaulted.

Did you hear about the plumber who worked atop a skyscraper?
He plunged to his death.

What did the Zen master say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.

I know one person who thinks he's an owl.
Who? Now I know two.

Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other, "How do you drive this thing?"

What do you get when you cross a pond and a stream?
Wet feet.

Why do businessmen carry umbrellas?
Because umbrellas can't walk.

Why don't seagulls fly in the bay?
Because they don't want to be bagels.

A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

What did the fish say when it hit the wall?

How do you fix a broken pizza?
Use tomato paste.

This guy comes blasting into the doctor's office and exclaims, excitedly, "Doctor, I think I'm shrinking! I think I'm shrinking!" "
Ok, just settle down sir," the doctor says.
"You're just going to have to be a little patient."

Do you want to hear the story about the broken pencil?
No? Oh well, there's no point to it, anyway.

"Have you heard about the new pirate movie?"
It's rated aaarrrrrrrr.

10 Signs your burned out!

10. You're so tired you now answer the phone "hell".
9. Your best friend calls to ask how you've been and you immediately scream, "Get off by back, BITCH!".
8. Your garbage can is you're "in" box.
7. You wake up to discover your house is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.
6. You consider a 40 hour week a vacation.
5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
4. You don't set your alarm anymore because you know your pager will go off before your alarm does.
3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your briefcase.
2. Your Day-Timer exploded a week ago. ...
and the Number One Sign You're Burned Out from Too Much Work ...
1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

Math, history, and logic!

Bubba and Cooter decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" asked Bubba.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-eater?"
"I sure do," answered the redneck.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.
The professor continued: "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."
Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZIN'!!!!!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"Betty Mae! This is incredible!" (Bubba is obviously catching on.)
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of. I cain't wait to take this here logic class."
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin?" he asks.
"Math, history, and logic," replies Bubba.
"What in tarnation is logic?"
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"
"You're queer, ain't ya?"

Are you a good person?

I have a moral question for you. This is an imaginary situation, but I think it is fun to decide what one would do.
The situation:
You are in the Middle East, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and structures destroyed. Let's say that you're a photographer and getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes. You come across Osama Bin Laden who has been swept away by the floodwaters. He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under. You can either put down your camera and save him, or take a Pulitzer Prize winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb.
So, here's the question and think carefully before you answer the question below:

Which lens would you use?

Airport Security!!!!!!

This from a friend in Florida ... Airport Security!!!!!!
Go Granny, Go Granny,,,,,,,,
CHICAGO - The war on terrorism took a strange and sad turn Friday as airline officials at O'Hare International Airport refused to let a 73 year old grandmother board her plane as she had in her possession two, six inch knitting needles.
Apparently authorities were worried that she might knit an Afghan.
[Do not come after the sender of this email.....she is armed and dangerous.]

There's a name for what we have!

I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
I decide to do work on the car, start to the garage and notice the mail on the table.
OK, I'm going to work on the car...
BUT FIRST I'm going to go through the mail. I lay my car keys down on the desk. After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full.
OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk....
BUT FIRST I'll take the trash out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills.... Yes, Now where is the checkbook? Oops...there's only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks? Oh, there is my empty plastic cup from last night on my desk. I'm going to look for those checks...
BUT FIRST I need to put the cup back in the kitchen. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice the flowers need a drink of water, I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter. What are they doing there? I'll just put them away...
BUT FIRST, I need to water those plants. I head for the door and... Aaaagh! someone left the TV remote in the wrong spot. Okay, I'll put the remote away and then water the plants...
BUT FIRST I need to find those checks.
END OF DAY: Oil in car not changed, bills still unpaid, cup still in the sink,checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys, And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because...
I realize this condition is serious...I'll get help...
BUT FIRST...I think I'll check my e-mail.

I knew a blonde that was so ... er, blondish that.......

- she called me to get my phone number.
- she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
- she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
- she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
- she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
- she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
- she sat on the TV and watched the couch.
- she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
- she tried to drown a fish.
- she thought a quarterback was a refund.
- she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
- if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change back.
- they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
- under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
- she tripped over a cordless phone.
- she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
- at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here"...she put Sagittarius."
- she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
- it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
- if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
- she studied for a blood test.
- she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
- she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
- she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
- she sold the car for gas money.
- when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.
- when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
- she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
- when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
- when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.


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