October - Jokes to
Thought of the Day
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly
ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life
without even considering if there is a man on base."
Subject: perspective is ALL
George and Osama decided to settle the war once
and for all.
They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with
one big dog fight. They agreed that they would have five years to breed the
best fighting dogs in the world and who's ever dog won would be entitled to
dominate the world.
Osama and his dog handler Mohammed found the
biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world, then bred them with
the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves they could find. From the litters, they
selected the biggest and strongest puppy and trained it day and night to fight
to the death. After five years Osama and Mohammed came up with the biggest,
meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five
inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the
dog fight, George and his dog handler Boudreaux showed up with a nine foot long
Dachshund. It was the strangest looking dog anyone had ever seen. Boudreaux
said it was a Cajun Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for George and Boudreaux
because they knew there was no way that this poor excuse for a dog could
possibly last 10 seconds with Osama's big, mean animal.
When the cages
were opened up, the Dachshund slowly came out of its cage, wagged its tail,
then waddled over towards Osama's dog. The Doberman/Rottweiler/Wolf snarled and
leaped out of its cage, then charged the poor Dachshund. But when it got close
enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and ate
Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the snarling beast.
Osama came up to George and Boudreaux shaking his head in disbelief.
"We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people
working for five years with the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers, and
the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves in the world. How did you do this?"
"Da's easy," said Boudreaux the Cajun. "We 'ad our bess plasic surgins
workin' fo' five year for to make dat alligator look like a weenie dog."
Smarts of the day!
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my
blood alcohol content.
Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in
bed with a relative.
I live in my own little world. But it's OK...they
know me here.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. I
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same
effect just standing up really fast.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy
one dog, get one flea..."
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes
misery easier to live with.
I got a sweater for Christmas...I wanted a
screamer or a moaner.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the
airport the terminal?
I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen
too many of them get elected.
The most precious thing we have is life.
Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
There are two sides to every
divorce: Yours and shithead's.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade;
if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of
hand grenades...now THAT'S a message!!
I love being married. It's so
great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of
consecutive days I've stayed alive.
Two peanuts were walking down the
street. One was a salted.
Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so
quickly by just one busted condom.
If carrots are so good for the eyes,
how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Welcome To Shit
Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!
How come we choose from just two
people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Why is it that
most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
The next time you
feel like complaining remember Your garbage disposal probably eats better than
thirty percent of the people in this world.
Snowmen fall from Heaven
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise
words "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
This is Canadian!
The Canadian government has decided to assist the
USA in the war against terrorism. They have agreed to send, 2 of our largest
battle ships 6000 ground troops 6 fighter jets.
After the exchange rate
the USA will receive, 1 canoe 2 Mounties a bunch of flying squirrels
The Weakest Link!
You will be given a series of 10 questions. You
must answer 8 out of 10 correctly to pass. OK. Let's play...The Weakest Link!
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country
makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a
camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are
named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese
10) How long did the Thirty Years War last?
Check your answers below!
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country
makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get catgut? Sheep and
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was
King George VI's first name? Albert
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
long did the Thirty Years War last? Thirty years - of Course!
few fries short of a Happy Meal?
Is there a village somewhere that wants its
Out of a possible 10 correct answers, you got a miserable,
pathetic, one answer right?
You ARE the Weakest Link! Good-bye!!
The Dayton Journal publishes a yearly contest
The Dayton Journal publishes a yearly contest in
which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The
following were some of this year's winning entries:
1. Coffee (n.), a
person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much
weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever
having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a
condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after
you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question in an exam.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist
immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles
his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
14. Circumvent (n.), the opening
in the front of boxer shorts.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that,
when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, You're it.
2. Pin the Toupee on the
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
10. Musical recliners.
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is
using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are
not amused, you shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your
kids' names on them.
4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's
Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
5. You change your underwear
after every sneeze.
6. You're on so much estrogen that you take your
Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendale's.
SIGNS OF WEAR "OLD" IS WHEN.....
Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make
love, "and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your
friends compliment You on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens
the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles
out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are
cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.
First the Lord made man in the Garden of
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing"
casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm,
and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching
to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to
make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth, and ruined the whole damn thing.
Hunting in Arkansas
Billy Bob and Joe Ray were hunting in the Arkansas
backwoods, when Joe Ray slipped and fell down a ravine, hitting his head on a
rather large rock, losing consciousness.
Billy Bob frantically dialed 911
on his cell phone and got an emergency operator.
"Help" cried Billy Bob,
"My buddy Joe Ray just hit his head on a rock, and I think he's dead!"
"Calm down, sir, pleaded the operator, "First, make sure he is really
"All right......hold on just a minute," answered Billy Bob."
operator waited as the silence was broken with the unmistakable "BLAM" of a
shotgun blast. In a couple of seconds Billy Bob was back on the phone,
G R O A N
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana, sits
down, bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served AND ONCE AGAIN
the bartender tells him forcefully,
"We don't serve beer to belligerent
bears in bars in Billings."
The, very angry bear now, says, "If you don't
serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears
in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and eats the
woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in
Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."
The bartender says, "You are
now. That was a barbitchyouate."