It Hurts to Laugh
A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle
and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trail, the
conversation went something like this:
Judge: "Do you know that eating a
bald eagle is a federal offense?"
Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue
my case, I'll explain what happened."
Judge: "Proceed."
Man: "I got
lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry.
Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I
knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately,
in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I
killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to
let it rot on the ground."
Judge: "The court will take a recess while we
analyze your testimony."
15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.
Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't
intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't
mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"
Man: "Well your
honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination
between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."
Dear Abby
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across
the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social
worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've
never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could
be Lebanese?
Dear Abby,
I have a man I never could trust.
He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three-year-old
liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive
and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well
enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby,
I suspected that my husband had
been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied
everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking
Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his
own?
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the
world. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby,
My forty-year-old son has been
paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must
be crazy.
Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three
months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home
sober.
Dear Abby,
Do you think it would be all right
if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and
couldn't and he finally did it.
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and
short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.
Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband
had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all
interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor.
Dear Abby,
My boyfriend is going to be twenty
years old next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday.
What do you think he'd like?
Carol Dear Carol, Never mind what he'd like.
Give him a tie.
Dear Abby,
Our son was married in January.
Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was
premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early?
Wondering Dear
Wondering, The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it.
Dear Abby,
I know boys will be boys, but my
'boy' is seventy-three and he's still chasing women. Any suggestions? Annie
Dear Annie, Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever
caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.
Dear Abby,
I have always wanted to have my
family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any
suggestions? Sam
Dear Sam, Yes. Run for public office.
Top Ten signs your co-worker is a hacker
10 Everyone who ticks him off gets a $26,000
phone bill.
9 He's won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes three
years running.
8 When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
7 Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
6 Somehow gets
HBO on his PC at work.
5 Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeeez!" 295 times during the
movie "The Net."
4 Massive 401k contribution made in half cent increments.
3 His video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.
2 Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overhear, "Good Morning, Mr.
President."
And the Number One sign your co-worker is a computer
hacker...
1 You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that VISA
now, Professor "I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!"
Diesel Fitter
Two guys who worked together were both laid off,
so off they went to the unemployment office.
Asked his occupation, the
first guy said, "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."
The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labour, she
gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
The second guy was asked his
occupation. "Diesel fitter, " he replied.
Since diesel fitters was a
skilled job, the clerk gave the second guy $600 a week.
When the first guy
found out, he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and
co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained: Panty
stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters skilled labour.
"What skill?"
yelled the panty stitcher.
"I sew the elastic on. He pulls on it and say,
'Yep, diesel fitter'.
Eve's Story
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to
God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I
know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these
wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not
happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am
lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have
a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous
ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll
give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than
you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting
fleet footed ruminants and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds
great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's
better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick."
But, you can only have
him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him
believe that I made him first."
Actual Signs
In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive
carefully, we'll wait."
On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your
shorts."
Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a
leak."
In a non-smoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you
are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door, "Push,
Push, Push."
On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian
except the dog."
At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're
looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window,
"We really know our stuff."
On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your
needs."
On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a car
dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
In a dry cleaner's emporium, "Drop your pants here."
On a desk in a
reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At
the electric company, "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However,
if you don't, you will be."
In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"
On the side of
a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
In a
restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed
up."
Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin
drop."
In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks
can eat any place they want.
Ready for Bed
Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, I'm
tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed.
" She went to the
kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches, rinsed out the popcorn
bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked
the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the
table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.
She then put
some wet clothes into the dryer, put a load of clothes into the wash, ironed a
shirt and secured a loose button.
She picked up the newspapers strewn on
the floor, picked up the game pieces left on the table and put the telephone
book back into the drawer.
She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket
and hung up a towel to dry.
She yawned and stretched and headed for the
bedroom.
She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted
out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a textbook out from hiding under
the chair.
She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped
the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store.
She put both
near her purse.
Mom then creamed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and
flossed her teeth and trimmed her nails.
Hubby called, "I thought you were
going to bed."
"I'm on my way," she said.
She put some water into the
dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked.
She looked in on each of the kids and turned out a bedside lamp, hung up a
shirt, threw some dirty socks in the hamper, and had a brief conversation with
the one up still doing homework.
In her own room, she set the alarm, laid
out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack.
She added
three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow.
About that time,
the hubby turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular "I'm going to
bed,"
and he did.
Marriage
A young couple got married and went on their
honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?
"Mama," she replied,
"the honeymoon itself was wonderful-- so romantic! But...
" Suddenly she
burst out crying.
"Mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most
horrible language- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful
4-letter words!
You've got to come get me and take me home...PLEASE MAMA!
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down!
Tell me, what could be
so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?
"Please don't make me tell you, Mama," wept
the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed -- they're just too awful!
COME GET ME,
PLEASE!!
"Darling baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. I'm your
mother -- tell me these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride
said,
"Oh, Mama...words like: Wash, Iron, Dust, Cook..."
Boob,Boo
Our supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken
breasts, and a woman I know intended to stock up.
At the store, however,
she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the
poultry, so she complained to the butcher.
The butcher said, "Don't worry,
lady," I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you
finish shopping."
Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher's voice
boom over the public-address system:
"Will the lady who wanted bigger
breasts please meet me at the back of the store."
"Pop N. Fresh Dies"
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded.
" Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 4:50 for about 20 minutes.
12 things an operating room patient does not wish to hear.
1) " Damn I've dropped a contact lens! "
2) "
Boy! this is different! "
3) " Put your finger here while I tie this off
"
4) " Damn! there goes the lights "
5) " I don't like the looks of
this thing ! "
6) " ALL TOGETHER NOW.....999 bottles of beer on the
wall........."
7) " O.K. where has the big clamp gone? "
8) " Looks
like liver again for lunch folks "
9) " Is that supposed to be that
colour?"
10)"Man, those martini's are realy begining to get to me! "
11)"Pass me that saw.....No the big one "
12)"Oops! "
USEFUL METRIC CONVERSIONS
1 million microphones=1 megaphone
1 million
bicycles=2 megacycles
2000 mockingbirds=two kilomockingbirds
10
cards=1 decacards
1/2 lavatory=1 demijohn
1 millionth of a fish=1
microfiche
453.6 graham crackers=1 pound cake
10 rations=1 decoration
10 millipedes=1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents=1 decadent
10
monologs=5 dialogues
2 monograms=1 diagram
2 baby sitters=1 gramma
grampa
