December - Ho! Ho!
A man was on holiday in the Caribbean and, liking
the warm tropical weather,settled down for a day's sunbathing. He fell asleep,
and after a whole day his legs became sunburned beyond belief. He could hardly
stand the pain. He decided to go to the doctor for treatment.
looked at his lobster colored legs and shook his head. "You must realize that
I'm only a small village doctor," he explained, "I've really got nothing at all
to help you. However, try taking this just before bedtime." The doctor gave him
some tablets of Viagra.
Puzzled, the man asked, "I've got acute sunburn,
what's a Viagra tablet going to do?"
"Nothing at all for the sunburn" the
"But it will keep the sheets off your legs."
SANTA CLAUS: An Engineer's Perspective
1. There are approximately two billion children
(persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children
of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for
Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the
Population Reference Bureau). At an average(census) rate of 3.5 children per
household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least
one good child in each.
2. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to
work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth,
assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7
visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good
child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump
down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under
the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney,
jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these
108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we
know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are
now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles,
not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at
650 miles per second --- 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of
comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a
poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15
miles per hour.
3. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting
element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Leggo
set (two > pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not
counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than
300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the
normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them. Santa
would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight
of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the
Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
4. 600,000 tons traveling
at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance --- this would heat up
the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's
atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of
energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost
instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic
booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26
thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house
on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of
accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected
to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously
slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force,
instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of
5. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.
Remember kids, Engineers have been wrong before and
when it comes to Saint Nick, I can honestly say, they don't know
The Diary of a Snow Shoveler
December 8 * 6:00 PM.
It started to snow. The
first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for
hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It
looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I
December 9 *
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal
white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can
there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea
I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again.
I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came
along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to
shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12 *
The sun has melted
all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry,
we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful!
Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to
see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad
he's our neighbor.
December 14 *
Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The
temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took
my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This
is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again.
I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll
certainly get back in shape this way.
December 15 *
forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's
car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in
case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after
December 16 *
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice
in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an
hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17 *
Still way below
freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I
had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing > to do but stare at the
wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but
won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm
freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20 *
back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took
all day. Damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a > neighbor kid to
shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying.
Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and
they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob
says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's
December 22 *
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13
more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't
melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel
and then I had to poop. By the time I got undressed, pooped and dressed again,
I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for
the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.
December 23 *
Only 2 inches of snow today, and it warmed up to 0. The
wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she
nuts !!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I
think she's lying.
December 24 *
6 inches. Snow packed so hard by
snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever
catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow I'll drag him through the
snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides
around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down
the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just
been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our
presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.
December 25 *
Merry -bleeping- Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight.
Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the
snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with
my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot.
If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff
her into the microwave.
December 26 *
Still snowed in. Why the hell
did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27 *
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze. The
plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him. He only charged me $1,400 to
replace all my pipes.
December 28 *
Warmed up to above -20. Still
snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29 *
inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the
silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, who is now suing me for a
million dollars not only for the beating I gave him but also for trying to
shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. 9"
December 31 *
I set fire to what's left of the house. No
January 8 *
Feel so good. I just love those little
white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
In his Sunday sermon, the minister used "Forgive
Your Enemies" as his subject. After his sermon, he asked how many were willing
to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands.
Not satisfied, he
harangued the congregation for another 20 minutes and repeated the question. He
got about 80%, then lectured another fifteen minutes and got all hands except
for one old lady in the back.
"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual.
How old are you?"
"Mrs. Jones, please come down here and
tell the congregation how a lady can live to be ninety-six and not have an
enemy in the world."
The old lady teetered down the aisle, slowly turned to
face the congregation, and blurted out,
"I outlived all the S.O.B.s!"
Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling
began? California? Oregon? Switzerland? Most believe it originated in
Switzerland, but here's the real version. Many years ago a man was traveling
through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he
had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he
could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter came down from upstairs and asked
her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"
"That's some fellow
traveling through," said the farmer. "He needs a place to stay for the night,
so I said he could sleep in the barn."
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is
hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food and took it out to the barn. About
an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her
hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant.
She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of
wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her
clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly and her hair all messed up.
She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the
barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke
into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We
made such passionate love last night!"
"What?" shouted the father as he
angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the
mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex
with my daughter!"
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped
his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out,
A wife came home just in time to find her husband
in bed with another woman. With super-human strength borne of fury, she dragged
him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard
and put his penis in a vice.
She then secured it tightly and removed the
handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.
The husband was terrified, and
screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?
" The wife,
with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and
"Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at
home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man
realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight to Chicago.
Not wanting to be the first to break
the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and
that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife
hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
said,"It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
MEN JUST AREN'T EQUIPPED FOR THESE SORT OF
Am I missing something?
A boat docked at a tiny Mexican village. An
American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish
and asked how long it took him to catch them.
Not very long," answered the
"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked
The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to
meet his needs and those of his family.
The American asked, "But what do
you do with the rest of your time?"
"I sleep late, fish a little, play with
my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the
village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few
songs...I have a full life."
The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from
Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You
can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a
bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a
second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of
trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can negotiate
directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can
then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even
New York City! From there you can direct your huge enterprise."
would that take?" asked the Mexican.
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years,"
replied the American.
"And after that?"
That's when it
gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing.
business gets really big, you can start selling stock and make millions!"
"Millions? Really? And after that?"
"After that you'll be able to
retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your
children, catch a few fish, take a siesta, and spend your evenings drinking and
enjoying your friends!"
To which the Mexican replied, "Am I missing
An Irish Toast
A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly
with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout
and having a contest at who could make the best toast.
hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life Between the
legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best
toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
"Here's to spending the rest of me life Sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!", Mary said.
The next day Mary ran
into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled
leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only
been there twice!
Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him
by the ears to make him come!"
Subject: can't trust a woman!
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident;
it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither
of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So
you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left of them but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign
from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the
rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you
completely! This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look
at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this
bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and
celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man
nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands
the it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the
cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.
Moral of the story: Women are clever @#&**. Don't mess with them.
A minister decided to do something a little
different one Sunday morning. He said, "Today in church, I am going to say a
single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I
want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "The
Old Rugged Cross."
The pastor hollered out, "Grace."
began to sing, "Amazing Grace, How Sweet the Sound."
The pastor said,
The congregation sang, "There is Power in the Blood."
pastor said, "Sex."
The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in
shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say
Then all of a sudden from way back of the church a little old 87
year old grandmother stood up and began to sing,