Janauary - Old
Jokes for the New Year!
Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers:
(Who sez seniors don't have a sense of humor?)
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired
beauty, 80's, slim,5'-4" (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking,
sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband
looking for someone to round out a six- unit plot. Dizziness, fainting,
shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude,
long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent
type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a
dedicated flossier to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my
Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a
groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my boss
collection of eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember
Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's
put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage,
good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are
travelling through Europe in their car.
They get to Transylvania and are
stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula
jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield
wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and
continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the
Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer.
Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues
hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.
"Show him your
cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn.
She opens the window and shouts, "Get the hell off the car!"
E-mail from God
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all
of the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to
Earth to check it out.
So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to
Earth for a time.
When she returned, she told God, "Yes, it is bad on
Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not.
He thought for a moment and
said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."
So God called another angel and sent her to Earth for a time too.
the angel returned she went to God and said, "Yes, the Earth is in decline; 95%
are misbehaving and 5% are being good."
God was not pleased.
decided to E-mail the 5% that were good because He wanted to encourage
them.&; give them a little something to help them keep going.
know what that E-mail said....... ?
You didn't get one either, huh?
Guys in heaven!
When the end of the world comes, everybody on
earth goes to heaven.
God comes down and says, "I want the men to make two
lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other
line for the men that were dominated by their women."
"Also, I want all the
women to go with St. Peter."
With that said, the next time God looked up,
the women were gone and the men were in two lines.
The line of the men that
were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that
dominated their women, consisted of only one, lone man.
God became angry
and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image
and you were all whipped by your mates?
Look at the only man that stood up
and made me proud. Learn from him!
Tell them my son, how did you manage to
be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told
me to stand here."
If men ruled the world!
Any fake phone number a girl gave you would
automatically forward your call to her real number.
Nodding and looking
at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a
little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em
next time" would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or
You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people
you'd worked for,like "Heywood J'Blowme."
Each year, your raise would
be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
guy in the office would get to be CEO.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got
really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your
window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like
It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends,
put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Garbage would take itself
Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to
be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to
heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his
income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep
with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy
Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in
heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy. As he
was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even
bigger, uglier woman than he was with.
When he approached Carlos he asked
him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and
scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did."
They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they
have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass
Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along,
minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw
their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead
gorgeous supermodel / centrefold.
Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the
man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this
unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.
replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been
absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of
the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to.
There is only one
thing that I can't seem to understand.
After every time we have sex, she
rolls over and murmur's to herself,
"Damn income taxes!"
Joke only a Canadian could appreciate!
Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a park in
Toronto, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the
other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking
the dog's neck.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and
rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Leafs Fan Saves Friend From
Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Leafs
fan," the little hero replied.
"Sorry, since we are in Toronto, I just
assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again.
"Little Jays Fan
Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.
"I'm not a Jays fan either," the boy said.
"I assumed everyone in Toronto
was either a Leafs or Jays fan.
What team, do you root for?" the reporter
"I'm a Montreal Canadiens fan." the child said.
starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,
"Little French Bastard from
Montreal Kills Beloved Family Pet."
Read the whole thing,,,,,,,,,
comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the
history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's day is for a Christian saint and
we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a
David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God
would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden,"
"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.
David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough
love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not
all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what
I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd
start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how
he didn't hate anyone anymore."
His father's heart swells and he looks at
his boy with newfound pride. "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever
"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the
Marines could blow the crap out of him.
It was the first day of school at West U.
Elementary and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman,
entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some
Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"
a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up.
Henry, 1775." He said.
Who said 'Government of the people,
by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?
response except from Suzuki:
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.
teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new
to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud
whisper: "Screw the Japs."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
his hand up.
"Lee Iacocca, 1982."
At that point, a student in the back
said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who
Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!",
Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,
"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob
hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill
Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice,
"Gary Condit to
Chandra Levy 2001."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around
the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!"
and Suzuki said, "The Taliban! 2001."
Pat Glenn - Weightlifting Commentator: "This is
Gregoriava from Bulgaria.... I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."
Murray Walker: "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one
behind it which is identical."
Greg Norman: "I owe a lot to my parents,
especially my mother and father."
Alan Minter: "Sure there have been
injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
Venables: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same
Ron Atkinson: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't
like it - you can see it all over their faces."
Harry Carpenter - BBC
TV Boat Race 1977: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is
kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
Metro Radio: "Julian Dicks is
everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
Coleman at the Montreal Olympics: "There goes Juantorena down the back
straight, opening his legs and showing his class."
US TV Commentator:
"One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing so well is that, before
each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what
have I just said.
Please refrain from thinking that I am NOT your
friend if I DO NOT send back a forward that you have sent to me. Friends were
friends before email and friends will remain friends after email!
EVERYONE SAY THE FOLLOWING WITH ME ... "I will NOT get bad luck, lose my
friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an email! I will NOT hear
any music or see a taco dog, if I DO forward an e-mail.
Bill Gates is
NOT going to send me money, Victoria's Secret doesn't know anything about a
gift certificate they're supposed to send me, and Ford will not give me a 50%
discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!
NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker
Barrel, Old Navy or anyone else if send an e-mail to 10 people.
NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail ... NEVER!
will not MYSTERIOUSLY ring after I forward an e-mail.
There is NO SUCH
THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that
someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!
There is no kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England
collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer-free and
35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, CALLING CARDS, or GET-WELL
The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or
whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge
us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.
There will be NO cool dancing,
singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive
immediately after I forward an e-mail.
And finally, I WILL NOT let
others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend or that
I don't believe in God. If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes
in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it on!
this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5
of your friends before the next full moon or you will surely be constipated for
the next three months and all of your hair will fall out!
I plan to
live forever... So far so good.
Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar
December 1 Blanch Thanksgiving turkey carcass.
Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas
message for answering machine.
December 3 Glue doilies to everything I
December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in Ecru with espresso
December 5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6 Fax family Christmas letter to Pulitzer committee for
December 7 Flog Gardener.
December 8 Have
secretary file back copies my magazine, "MARTHA STEWART's (I'm Better Than You
December 9 Hand-dip candles so they flicker in time to
recorded Christmas music.
December 10 Align carpets to adjust for
curvature of Earth.
December 11 Lay Faberge egg.
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13 Collect dentures.
(Note to self: They make excellent pastry tools when creating decorative pie
December 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents"
to enhance experience in case of flat tire.
December 16 Organize spice
rack by genus and phylum.
December 17 Build snowman in exact likeness
December 18 Try to find someone who dares invite me for
December 19 Adjust legs of dining room table chairs so each
dinner guest will be at same height.
December 20 Dip sheep and cows in
egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add festive sparkle to the
December 21 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider,
orange slices, and cinnamon sticks.
December 22 Float votive candles in
December 23 Seed clouds for a white Christmas.
December 24 Do annual good deed....be seen engaged in last minute
Christmas shopping to make people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in manger scented with homemade
December 26 Disassemble life-size model of Gingerbread
December 27 Continue work on "Virtual Garden" project.
December 28 Save the Rainforest by noon.
December 29 Sew leaves
back on maple tree in front yard.
December 30 Gild lilies.
Year's Eve: Give staff their resolutions for the New Year.