February - Jokes to break the ice!

Moods of Men & Women

MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp,
will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar,
sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute,
then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage,
enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy,
milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful,
merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison,
and love you like mad.

MOODS OF A MAN
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HORNY
SLEEPY
HUNGRY

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

This is for all of you parents out there ...
Never underestimate the intelligence of a mother...
Brian Hester invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and his roommate, Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs.Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and his roommate, Stephanie, than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Brian"
Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that read: "Dear son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
LESSON OF THE DAY.........NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

Dem silly NEWFIES

Two Newfies walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section.
Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag."
The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.
They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hill and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.
"Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry.
He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'.
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says,
"Frig dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too frigin' dangerous for me."

A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'.
He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off.
Seamus continues to plummet until there is a 'SPLAT'!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom.
Paddy shakes his head and says,
"An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider."

A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result.
Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Frig me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you freakin' hen gliding."

This weeks shallow thoughts

For every woman with a curve there are several men with angles.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

Can a storm be officially designated as a tornado without touching down at a trailer park?

Always hold your head up, but be careful to keep your nose at a friendly level.

We child-proofed our home three years ago and they're still getting in!

Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

Shouldn't the cosmic stupidity hopper be empty by now?

Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.

A foolproof method for sculpting an elephant:
first, get a huge block of marble, then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.

If I get male pattern baldness, I'd like zig-zags please.

The Preacher

The preacher was preaching with all his might. The subject was SIN, and he was most certainly 'against' it.
A girl, with a wonderful figure, and not nearly enough clothes to hide much skin, came in late. She strode down the center aisle, close to the front, and sat down.
It was plain to the preacher that he had lost the men in his audience to this voluptuous sex object.
He shook a fist at her and said, "You are the Jezebel the good book tells us about. You have the mind of every man in this building on evil thoughts and not good thoughts.
But I am a man of God!
You don't affect me and right now up in Heaven,
Saint Finger is shaking his Peter at you!!"

The Irish

Into a Dublin pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?"asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," saysPaddy.
"That little squirt, O'Conner?" says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

More Irish...

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy,
"It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy?
Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

Still more Irish

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

One more for the Irish

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin'to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome,Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me.."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda... no.
Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

Just a little more Irish

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father.."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

The last one!

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional, but sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either".

The Chicken

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

COSATU: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking, South African.
RAY MACAULEY: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it, "the other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
NELSON MANDELA Never again, will the chicken be questioned for crossing the road. This is an ideal for which I am prepared to die.
GRANDPA SIMPSON: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BISHOP TUTU: We need a society where people will learn to forgive all the chickens that crossed the road. However, forgiveness will be granted to chickens that convince the nation that their reasons for crossing the road were politically motivated
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?
TONY LEON: People should stop blaming everything on the legacy of 'the chicken that crossed the road'. The chicken never willingly crossed the road - the circumstances at that time forced the chicken to cross the road.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
THABO MBEKI: We need to establish if really there is a connection between the chicken and the road.
BILL GATES: I have just released e-Chicken 2002, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your cheque book. And, Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of the Chicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by "chicken"? Could you define "chicken" please?
GEORGE W. BUSH: I don't think I should have to answer that question.
PAN AFRICAN CONGRESS: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
HANSIE CRONJE: Satan made him do it.
ROBERT MUGABE: We should really try to understand this chicken. As Hansie pointed out - Satan made him do it. We all know how devious Satan can be .
COLONEL SANDERS (KFC): I missed one?

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