March - Warm-up Chuckles!

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY:

Day 181 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - OOOOOOOH. BATH. BUMMER!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY:
Day 183
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Day 184
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair ... must try this on their bed.

Day 185
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was ... Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

Day 186
I am finally aware of how insane they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Day 187
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Day 188
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

19 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN by Dave Barry

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
19. Your friends love you anyway.

Canadian Tourist

Canadian tourist Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The Madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!!

Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "NO" and walks quickly away.

The Madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the Madam sends her over to Bob. The same thing happens, and when he whispers in her ear she screams "NO WAY, BUDDY" and smacks him hard, and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. So she decides to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. So she goes over to Bob and says that she's the best in the house and is available. They do the same things as the other girls, and then Bob whispers in her ear,

"Can I pay in Canadian currency?"

Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with his pet dog for company.
One day the dog died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not: we cannot have services for animals in a church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away, Father. Do ya' think £5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, " Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!
Why did'nt ya' tell me the dog was a Catholic?"

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.
The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"
There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"

GUILT AND SEX

Doctor Bob had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't, the guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him: "Bob, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go."
But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality:
"But Bob, you're a vet."

"The Truck Driver and the Donkey"

A truck driver moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."
The truck driver did a double take and said, "Well then, just give me my money back."
"Can't do that," replied the farmer. "I went and spent it already."
"Hmm," said the truck driver, "then just unload the donkey."
"What ya gonna do with him?" the farmer inquired.
The driver responded, "I'm going to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" said the shocked farmer.
The driver smiled and said, "Sure I can. Just watch me. The secret is not to tell anybody he's dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with the truck driver and asked, "What ever happened with that dead donkey?"
The truck driver responded, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece. After expenses, I made a clear profit of $900."
The surprised farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain that he was dead?"
"Sure," the truck driver said, "but just the guy who won.
So I gave him back his two dollars!"

Night Patrol

A cop was patrolling at night in a well known spot for "parking." He saw a couple in a car, with the interior light on. He got closer to the car and saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walked to the car and knocked on the window. The young man lowered his window..."Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?"
"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine.
" Pointing toward the young woman, the cop asked, "And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugged. "I believe she's knitting a pullover."
The cop was totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night... and nothing obscene is happening!
"What's your age, young man?"
"I'm 22, sir."
"And her, what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and said, "She'll be 18 in 20 minutes."

Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."

Training!

I thought I would let you in on a little secret I've found for building my arm and shoulder muscles. You might wish to adopt this regimen - 3 days a week works well.

I start by standing outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend my arms straight out to my sides and hold them there as long as I can.

After a few weeks I moved up to 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks, and finally I got to where I could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold my arms straight out for more than a full minute.

Next, I started putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but I would caution you not to overdo it at this level.

The Revenge Of A Canadian

A Canadian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a diner when an American man, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Canadian ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folks eat the whole bread?"
The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."
The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada." The American had a smirk on his face.
The Canadian listened in silence.
The American persisted. "D'ya eat jelly with the bread?"
Sighing, the Canadian replied, "Of course."
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Canada."
The Canadian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"
The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do."
The Canadian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away, of course."
Now it was the Canadian's turn to smile.
"We don't. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States."

What Children Say!

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of Lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour. The children began to say:
"Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green..........lime,"
"Orange........orange."
Finally the professor gave them all honey lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue, it's what your mother may sometimes call your father.
"One little girl looked up in horror, spit her's out and yelled.......
"Everybody spit them out! They're ass holes!"

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