April - Rainy Day
10 Words that don't exist, but should
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing
the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.
CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running
over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and
picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of
confection (lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this
will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The
actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the
dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to
give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu
lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly
that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n.
The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around
asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.
8.PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh)
n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were
calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left
on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e
kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice
before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
The other day I was in Kragens Auto store. A lady
comes in and asks for a seven ten cap. We all looked at each other and the
clerk asked, "What's a seven tencap?"
She said "You know, it's right on the
engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one".
"What does it do?",
the clerk asked.
She answered, "I don't know, but its always been there".
The clerk gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture.
So, she makes a circle about 3 inches in diameter, and in the center she writes
(Yes, she was a blonde.)
A BRIEF HISTORY OF MEDICINE
2000 BC: Here, eat this root
1000 AD: That
root is heathen. Say this prayer.
1850 AD: That prayer is pure
superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 AD: That potion is snake oil.
Here, swallow this pill.
1985 AD: That pill is ineffective. Here, take this
2000 AD: That antibiotic doesn't work any more. Here, eat this
A TRUE CANADIAN
It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man
makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the
seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will
be sitting there.
"No," says the neighbor. "The seat is empty."
is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like
this for final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs and not use it?"
neighbor says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come
with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't
been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear
that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or
relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head
"No. They're all at the funeral."
A major research institution (to remain anonymous)
has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet know to
science. This new element has been tentatively named "Managerium" (Latin for
Managerium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy
neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Managerium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as
it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of
Managerium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete, when it would
normally take less than a second.
Managerium has a normal half-life of
3 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a
portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact,
Managerium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization
causes some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that
Managerium is formed whenever a large quantity of morons become densely
concentrated, which seems to create a Managerium.
hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass."
know it when you see it.
When it's springtime in Alberta,
gentle breezes blow,
About seventy miles an hour
And it's fifty-two
You can tell you're in Alberta,
'cause the snow's up to your
And you take a breath of springtime air
And your nose holes both
The weather here is wonderful,
So I guess I'll hang
I could never leave Alberta,
My feet are frozen to the ground!
Animals on Drugs
A little rabbit is happily running through the
forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her
and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through
the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!"
The giraffe looks at
him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then
they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says,"Elephant my
friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us
through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!"
looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts
running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion
about to shoot up... "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your
health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!"
The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the crap
out of the little rabbit.
As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they
look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help
The lion answers, "that little twirp makes me run around the
forest like an idiot for hours on end, every time he's on ecstasy!"
Another Blonde Joke
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He
finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for
awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman
next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and
declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
A husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert
himself. "You don't have to let your wife henpeck you! Go home and show her you
are the boss!"
Of course, the husband takes the doctor's advice. He rushes
home,slams the door, shakes his fist in his wife's face, and growls, "From now
on, you're taking orders from me!
I want my supper right now, and when you
get it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm
going out with the boys, and you are going to stay at home where you belong!
And another thing; . . . guess who's going to comb my hair, give me a shave
and tie my necktie????
His wife says calmly, " The undertaker. . . "
These are actual comments made on student's report
cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were
reprimanded but boy, are these funny!!
1. Since my last report, your child
has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this
student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son
is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal
standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a
"full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
This child has been working with too much glue.
8. When your daughter's IQ
reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are
flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more
stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to
believe that the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
Michael the Dragon Master
Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King
Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful
Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, who was the
King's chief physician.
Horatio said, "I can arrange it, but I will need
1,000 gold coins to pay bribes."
Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed.
The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching powder and poured a little
of it into the Queen's brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she
dressed, the itching commenced and grew in intensity.
Upon being called to
the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only a special saliva, if
applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown
such a saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Master's mouth.
King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master. Michael the Dragon Master
slipped the antidote lotion into his mouth and for the next four hours worked
passionately on the Queen's magnificent breasts. Satisfied, he returned to his
chamber and found Horatio demanding payment.
With his obsession now
satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and shooed him away, knowing that
Horatio could never report this matter to the King.
The next day, Horatio
slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder onto King Arthur's loincloth.
King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master...
Chapter 1:GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, You're it
2. Pin the Toupee on the
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9. Spin the
Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical recliners.
Chapter 2: Signs of
1.. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat
the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on
4. Your husband chirps, " Hi honey, I'm home." And your reply, "Well,
if it isn't Ozzie f---ing Nelson."
5. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out
the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
6. You change
your underwear after every sneeze.
7. You're on so much estrogen that you
take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.
Signs of Wear
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs
and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your
pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls
all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where
your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
WHEN..... When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to
take any fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find
your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not
getting up to pee!