May - Smell the
A woman was walking along the beach when she
stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold
a Genie appeared.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
Genie said, "Nope... due to inflation, constant down sizing, low wages in third
world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish.
So...what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in
the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, Gadzooks, lady!
These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good but not THAT
good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
The woman thought
for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You
know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the house
cleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports
all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for ... a good mate."
Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that damn map!"
A father put his three year old daughter to bed,
told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying "God
bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa."
father said, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said "I
don't know, daddy"
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a
A few months later the father put the little girl to
bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless mommy, God
bless daddy and good-bye grandma.
The next day the grandmother died.
gosh, thought the father, this kid has the gift of contact with the other side.
However, nothing else of the kind happened, and being somewhat of a
non-believer, he put it out of his mind.
Several weeks later when his
little girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say "God bless mommy and
He was deeply shaken. He spent the entire evening putting
his last testaments in order, and giving his wife and daughter a tender kiss
good-night, he then left for his office, reasoning that would be the safest
place for him. Instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed there,
not leaving his safe environment even for lunch. Finally midnight arrived, and
he reasoned that with the end of the day, he could go home.
On his arrival,
his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
said "One day I'll tell you all about it, but suffice to say I've just spent
the worst day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll
never believe what happened to me.
This morning the mailman dropped dead on
It's a Dog's Life!
Ok, as your dog, I want to state what can piss me
off big time:
1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg
2. Blaming your farts on me... not funny.
3. Yelling at me for
barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!
4. How you naively believe that
the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed
that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat?)
5. Taking me for a walk,
then not letting me check stuff out. (Exactly whose walk is this anyway?)
6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it.
Yelling at me for rubbing my butt on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?
Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't
quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. How you act disgusted when I
lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
sweaters. Have you noticed my fur?
11. Any haircut that involves bows or
ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
When you insist on picking up the piles in the yard. Do you realize how far
behind schedule that puts me?
13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip",
then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back there.
sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for
the top of the food chain.
15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on
screwing with us?
Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching
on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench
across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you.
It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
"Oh?" replied the man.
" Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
"No" replied Little
"he minded his own freaking business!!"
Subject: ALL THE NUTS AIN'T IN CHICAGO
In a mental institution, a nurse walks into a
room and sees a patient acting as if he's driving a car. The nurse asks him,
Charlie! what are you doing?
Charlie replied, Can't talk right now....I'm
driving to Chicago!
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving
his imaginary car and asks, Well Charlie, how you doing?
Charlie says, I'm
exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some rest.
replied the nurse, I'm glad you had a safe trip.
The nurse leaves Charlie's
room, and then goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on
his bed masturbating vigorously.
With surprise she asks, "Bob what are you
To which Bob replies, I'm screwing Charlie's wife, he's in
Mommy will eat your fingers
As I was trying to pack for vacation, my
3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.
point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my
mouth and said, "Mommy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before
I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing
on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
said, "What's wrong honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
NEW WORDS FOR 2002- Essential additions for the workplace
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group,
discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise,
craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some
people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather
than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day
swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
CUBE FARM: An
office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops
something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to
see what's going on.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer
to the couch potato.
SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive
Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops
working to stay home with the kids.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to
thrive on being stressed out and whiney.
SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card
that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from
XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from
IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are
annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials
were a prime example.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the
crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file.
Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or
irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
404: Someone who's
From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning
that the requested document could not be located.
GENERICA: Features of the
American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as
fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule
fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.
Ole and Lena
Vell, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran
Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas
and Easter and once in awhile, he went on one of the other Sundays.
of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a
fine looking woman she was. Vhile dey were taking up the collection, Ole leaned
forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.
Well, Ole couldn't
believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he
picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm. When they sat
down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday
Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until
after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of
"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?"
Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Vell, Ole vas
feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got in his Ford and vas driving Lena
home ven dey passed the Hot Springs Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he
figured he had nothing to lose. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to
stop at that motel with me?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.
Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there
across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in
The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there
in the bed, her gray curls on the pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat have I done?"
thought Ole. He shook Lena and she woke up.
"Lena, I've got to ask you von
ting," said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
"Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke and
drink to have a good time!"
Once upon a time, a woman died and went to heaven.
When she reached the Pearly Gates she was met by St. Peter.
She said, "Am I
He said, "Yes, you are at the Pearly Gates."
"Do I get to
"Yes, if you can spell a word."
She said, "Okay, I'll spell love." She did and was allowed to enter. A few
minutes later, St. Peter approached her and said, "I have to leave for a
minute. Would you watch the gate?" She was astonished and said, "You want me to
watch the gate?"
"What do I do if someone comes up?"
what I did. Ask them to spell a word."
As she stood looking around at all
the beautiful sights in heaven, she saw a man walking toward the gates. As he
drew closer, the woman recognized him. It was her husband. She was shocked!
"What happened?" the wife asked. "Well," he replied, "I was drinking and I had
an accident and died. Am I in heaven?"
"You are at the Pearly Gates."
"Do I get to come in?"
"Yes, but you have to spell a word.."
Dirty Old Ladies?
Two old ladies were sitting on a bench having a
quiet chat, when a flasher approached from across the park. He stood right in
front of them and opened his trench coat, exposing himself.
One of the
ladies immediately had a stroke.
The other lady, being older and more
feeble, couldn't reach that far.
Words of Wisdom
Some words of wisdom, from the unknown
~~~ Marriage is like taking a hot bath. After you've been in
it for a while... it isn't so hot.
~~~ I read recipes the same way I read
science fiction. I get to the end and think, 'Well, that's not going to
~~~ If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table
and can't tell who the sucker is---- it's you.
~~~ Health nuts are going to
feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
~~~ I asked Mom
if I was a gifted child... she said, they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.
~~~ According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about
a woman is her eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is
they're a bunch of liars.
~~~ Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing
~~~ All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.
~~~ Why does a slight tax increase cost you two
hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?
~~~ In the
60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and
people take prozac to make it normal.
~~~ There is a theory which states
that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is
here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more
bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has
~~~ How is it one careless match can start a forest fire,
but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?
~~~ Doctors can be
frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I
wish you'd come to me sooner."
Help Desk Horror
These are stories from help desks around the
At 3:37 a.m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to
determine my annoyance level, when I received a frantic phone call from a new
user of a Macintosh Plus. She had gotten her entire family out of the house and
was calling from her neighbor's. She had just received her first system error
and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a warning that the
computer was going to blow up.
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click
on the Open Desktop."
Tech Support: "Did you get a
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do
you see a pop- up menu?"
Customer: "No." Tech Support: "
Ok, sir. Can
you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you
told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'." (At this point I had to put the
caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I
couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call.)
Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"
Customer: "I have
done something dumb, right?"
One woman called Dell's toll-free line to
ask how to install the batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions
were on the first page of the manual the woman replied angrily, "I just paid
$2,000 for this damn thing, and I'm not going to read the book."
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the
same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Tech Support: "Ok,
in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
Customer: "Uhh...I need help unpacking my new PC."
"What exactly is the problem?"
Customer: "I can't open the box."
Support: "Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and go from there."
Customer: "Uhhhh...ok, thanks...."
Customer: "I'm having a problem
installing your software. I've got a fairly old computer, and when I type
'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support: "Ok,
check the directory of the A: drive- go to A:> \ and type 'dir'."
Customer reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'.
Support: "All right, the correct file is there.
Type 'INSTALL' again."
Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file name'."
Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place-it can't help but do
something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the Enter key?"
Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still 'Bad command or
Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're
typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?"
"Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the 'M' key...does that
At our company we have asset numbers on the front of
everything. They give the location, name, and everything else just by scanning
the computer's asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars.
Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."
Tech Support: "Ok. Just
read me your asset number so we can open an outage."
Customer: "What is
Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer."
Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar . . ."
best for last!!!!
Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this
install disk, and now my A: drive won't work."
Tech Support: "Your A drive
Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got
stuck in my drive, now it won't work at all."
Tech Support: "Did it not
install properly? What kind of error messages did you get?"
didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive and wouldn't come
out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out. That didn't work either."
Tech Support: "You did what sir?"
Customer: "I got these pliers, and
tried to get the disk out, but it wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the
plastic stuff a bit."
Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push
the eject button?"
Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and
melted it and used a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the
disk, and that got it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came out fine. I
can't believe you would send me a disk that was broke and defective."
Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A: drive and
used pliers to pull the disk out?" At this point, I put the call on the speaker
phone and motioned at the other techs to listen in.
Tech Support: "Just so
I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what you just said?"
Customer: "I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy disk out,
then I had to use pliers to pull it out."
Tech Support: "Did you push that
little button that was sticking out when the disk was in the drive, you know,
the thing called the disk eject button?" Silence.
Tech Support: "Sir?"
Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?"
Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am going
to sue you for breaking my computer?"
Tech Support: "Let me get this
straight. You are going to sue our company because you put the disk in the A:
drive, didn't follow the instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek
professional advice, didn't consult your user's manual on how to use your
computer properly, instead proceeding to pour butter into the drive and
physically rip the disk out?"
Tech Support: "Do you
really think you stand a chance, since we do record every call and have it on
Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to help!"
Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you. Have
a nice day."