Just Joking

June - Summer Fun!


A list of jobs I just couldn't hold down!

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef--figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.
Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.


Celebrate Canadians!

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
WEED!
You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.
The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA
The Premier is a fat, wife-beating alcoholic with a grade 4 education.
You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.
You can attempt to murder your rich oil tycoon husband and get away with it.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN
You never run out of wheat.
Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning.
Your province is really easy to draw.
It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbor's house.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA
The only province to violently rebel against the federal government.
You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.
Because of your license plate, you are still "friendly" even when you cut someone off.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO
You live in the center of the universe.
Your grandparents sold booze to the States during Prohibition.
Your $400,000 home in Toronto is actually a dump.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC
The only province to ever kidnap federal politicians.
Racism is socially acceptable.
Your hockey team is made up entirely of dirty French guys.
NON-smokers are the outcasts.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK
You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies.
You have French people, but they don't want to kill you.
Everybody has a Grandfather who runs a lighthouse.
Just as charming as Maine, but with more unemployed fishermen.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA
The only place in North America to get bombed in the war... by a moron who set a munitions ship on fire.
Your province is shaped like male genitalia.
If someone asks if you're a Newfie, you are allowed to kick their heads in.
The province that produced Rita MacNeil, the world's largest land mammal.
You are the reason Anne Murray makes money.
You can pretend you have Scottish heritage as an excuse to wear a kilt.
Even though it smells like dead sea animals, Halifax is considered Canada's most beautiful city.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE ON PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the jumbo bridge.
You can walk across the province in half an hour.
You were probably once an extra on "Road to Avonlea".
Tourists arrive, see the "Anne of Green Gables" house, then promptly leave.
You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND
If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea.
You understand the meaning of Great Big Sea's lyrics.
You are credited with many great inventions, like the solar-powered flashlight and the screen door for submarines.
It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders on your wedding day.


Bird Story

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith.


Marketing Announcement:

Pfizer Corporation (PFE) is making the announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as-is or as a mixer, under the name, "Mount and Do".
Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests, "It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one."


QUIZ!

The following is a test of your critical thinking skills and your ability to quickly analyze events. Scroll down slowly, read and answer the question before scrolling down to the answer. Move on to the next questions and do the same.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?










The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated manner.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?








Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?









Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?









Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the Professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers.
Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brain of a four year old.


Subject: Stupid Stuff from the FBI Files

FBI'S Most Unusual Deaths
Every year the FBI, is asked to investigate over 36,000 Serious Crimes including Suspicious Deaths and Homicides. Every year the Homicide Investigations Unit puts out its Top 12 Homicides of the year.

1- Alex Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a 20 inch long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had enough of her husband's strange sex practices and one night during a prolonged session of fun she snapped, pushing all 20 inches of the vibrator into Alex's anus until it ruptured several internal organs and caused severe bleeding.

2- Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake.

3- Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her father's coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn't realize what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later.

4- David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girlfriend after he attempted to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance was met with a double-barreled shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends') father had given it to her an hour before the date started, just in case.

5- Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his rent for 8 years. The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realized just how long it had been since Mr Halos paid his rent.

6- Megan Fry, 44 years old, was killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered onto a live firing, fake town, simulation. Seeing all the troopers walking slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in front of them and yelled Boo!. The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting the target. She just looked like a very real looking target, one of the troopers stated in his report.

7- Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because she talked on the phone too long. Michael clubbed his sister to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken aerial.

8- Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold Simms was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbour. Over a period of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's eye shadow with a Uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off, the victim never attended a doctor's surgery or hospital for a checkup.

9- Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two timing wife by loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Ford Taurus she was driving was filled with 750 kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was heard by several persons some up to 14 kilometres away. No traces of the car or the victim were ever found, only a 55 metre deep crater, and 500m of missing road.

10- Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbour in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbour, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at an empty block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over for a cup of coffee and a chat about the whole situation. What Winter didn't know was that he had changed the position of the engine, as she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.

11- Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die Hard With a Vengeance as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sidedwhite board that read Death to all Niggers! on one side, and God Loves the KKK on the other. Lewis then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes later Berry was deceased.

12- Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian after a disagreement over who should take the family home after their parents' passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of smell. After the argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back later, and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. He then left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying, Sorry for the spree, have a puff on me, Brian. Conrad promptly lit a cigar, destroying the house, and himself in the process.


THAT FIRST KISS

At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a goodnight kiss?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I like you so much!!"
"No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"NO, no. I just can't."
"Pleeeeease?..."
Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss.
Or I can do it.
Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it.
But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!!"


Subject: Today's question

Question 1. A woman is pregnant and already has 8 children, 3 of whom are blind, 2 are deaf, and she has syphilis. Would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Question 2. It is time to elect a new world leader and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:
Candidate A. Associates with crooked politicians, consults with astrologists, has had two mistresses, chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B. Was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college, drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C. He is a decorated war hero, he is a vegetarian, doen not smoke, drinks an occasional beer, has had no extramarital affairs. Which of these candidates would be your choice?????????

Decide first, no peeking and then scroll down for the answer.














Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolf Hitler
Oh by the way, the answer to the abortion question:
If you said yes, you just killed Beethoven. Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone. Remember amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.


Toilet Paper

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.
Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
The husband shrugs, "Why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?"
(He lived, and with a great deal of therapy, he just might be able to walk again.)


Travelling

We left Dallas/Ft Worth heading to the Gulf Coast, when I needed to stop at a comfort station. The first stall was occupied, so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall:
"Hi, how are you doing?"
Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed:
"Not bad."
And the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?"
Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird! So I said:
"Well, just like you I'm driving west."
Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say,
"Look, I'll call you back, there's some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking you."


You know you're from Saint John when:

1. You see nothing wrong with one family owning 90% of the city.
2. You see crazy people as funny and entertaining instead of scary and frightening.
3. You remember all the previous names for the bars downtown.
4. You're a fan of the MP, Elsie Wayne and have seen her dance at hockey games.
5. You made fun of Harbour Station's name when it first came out but now you like it.
6. You've gotten used to the "Saint John 2001" eyesore that greets you when you come in to the city.
7. The Loyalist man billboard doesn't make you want to turn around and go somewhere else.
8. You fondly remember under-age drinking at Tucker Park.
9. You believe O'Leary's is the greatest pub in the universe.
10. All your friends have worked in a call-centre at one time or another.
11. You remember the joy at seeing the first exhibition trailers show up at exhibition park.
12. You parents let you actually go to the ex even though none of the staff looked capable of operating a toaster let alone a complicated piece of machinery
13. You refer to McAllister Place as "the mall" since every other mall in Saint John pretty much blows.
14. You remember heated rivalries between St. Macs and Saint John High even though you had about the same amount of friends in both no matter what high school you went to.
15. You've spent many a Thursday night at the AQ even though you hated that fat radio guy host.
16. You don't think the West side smells that bad.
17. You have an oil refinery in your back yard but still pay more for gas then most of Canada.
18. Your pretty sure you know the location of at least one downtown crackhouse.
19. You're not freaked out by having an 19th century graveyard right in the middle of the uptown area, and actually use it as a place to relax.
20. This list either makes you laugh or brings back fond memories.


Why men pee standing up!

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in his bag so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.
He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you would like that."
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me." On and on he went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it.
So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up and he was so excited! He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, "Well, here's the other thing and I guess you can have it."
"What's it called?" Eve asked.
"Brains" God said.


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