July - Hot fun in the Sun!

Hoe to determine the sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly-swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," he responded .
"Oh...killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, three males and two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"
He responded, "Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone."

Elderly Humor

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. 'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there - that's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"
Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm.

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

God is Watching!

A tale from a Catholic elementary school. . .
Up at the head table in the cafeteria, one of the nuns placed a big bowl of bright red, fresh, juicy apples. Beside the bowl, she placed a note which read, "Take only one. Remember, God is watching."
At the other end of the table was a bowl full of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, still warm from the oven.
Beside the bowl, a little note scrawled in a child's handwriting which read, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Jesus

There are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He like Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial

But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin and His mother was sure He was God

But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil

But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion

But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He had twelve drinking buddies
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures

But the strangest evidence of all --3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for Him to do.
Amen!

Know when to fold

An Alexander County Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about 2 miles north of the Missouri state line.
When the Deputy asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.
The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in.
The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "Might as well take my ass on to jail, there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

The Prime Minister

A man on his way home from work in downtown Ottawa came to a dead halt in traffic, and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving." He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars, so he rolls down his window and asks: "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold-up?"
The officer replies: "The Prime Minister is just so depressed about the corruption scandals that he stopped his limo in the middle of the freeway, and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says the country hates him and he can't quit, because he hasn't a big enough pension to retire. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"
"So far only about a hundred litres, but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning."

Two gay guys were in a San Francisco bathroom using the urinals. One of the guys noticed that the other guy had a Nicoderm patch on his penis. He turned to the other guy and said, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."
The other guy replied, "It's working just fine. I'm down to 2 butts a day."

Car for Sale!

A man read, in the want ads, of a Ferrari for sale. It had only 3,000 miles. "Like new," the ad boasted. "Mint condition. $75.00."
He laughed to himself, and he said, "There goes the newspaper, making another mistake." But he decided to call the number anyway and he asked the woman who answered about the sports car.
"Is it really brand new?"
"Yes," she replied.
"Three thousand miles?"
"Yes."
"The price?"
"Seventy-five dollars," she answered.
"Lady, what's wrong with it?" he asked.
"Nothing is wrong with it. You're the first to call. I suppose nobody else believes the ad."
He decided to look at it. She let him take a test drive. The car looked exquisite and ran perfectly. He just couldn't believe his luck!
"The car is yours for $75.00," the woman said emphatically, "on one condition. I want the money now and I want you to drive it away so I never have to see it again."
He paid her and took the keys.
"Please tell me, lady," he persisted. "You could have sold this car for fifty-thousand dollars. What is going on?"
She told her story: "I bought this car for my husband on our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. Two weeks later he ran off with somebody else. Last week I got a card from him. They are in a resort in Miami Beach, Florida.
The card said, 'Need money, sell car, send cash.'"

Coming home drunk

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them.
The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: " We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties...".
The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, "We will never forget you".

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