July - Hot fun in
Hoe to determine the sex of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly-swatter.
"What are you doing?" she
"Hunting flies," he responded .
"Oh...killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, three males and two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked,
"How can you tell?"
He responded, "Three were on a beer can and two were on
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch,
doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few
moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
An old lady was standing at the railing of the
cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not
intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said
the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man
and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought
this hat yesterday!"
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching
the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been
reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual
orgasm'. 'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there - that's all they talk
about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have
Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head
and said, "No, I think we had State Farm.
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in
their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the
green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a
cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that
onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of
two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady
remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're
God is Watching!
A tale from a Catholic elementary school. .
Up at the head table in the cafeteria, one of the nuns placed a big bowl
of bright red, fresh, juicy apples. Beside the bowl, she placed a note which
read, "Take only one. Remember, God is watching."
At the other end of the
table was a bowl full of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, still warm from
Beside the bowl, a little note scrawled in a child's handwriting
which read, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
There are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was
1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He like Gospel
couldn't get a fair trial
But then there are 3 equally good arguments
that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin and
His mother was sure He was God
But then there are 3 equally good
arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had
wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil
But then there are 3
equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new
But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was
1. He had twelve drinking buddies
2. He was always telling
3. He loved green pastures
But the strangest evidence of
all --3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He had to feed a crowd at a
moment's notice when there was no food
2. He kept trying to get a message
across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. Even when He was dead,
He had to get up because there was more work for Him to do.
Know when to fold
An Alexander County Deputy pulled a car over on
I-57 about 2 miles north of the Missouri state line.
When the Deputy asked
the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and
a juggler and he was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and didn't
want to be late.
The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling,
and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him
The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment
on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The deputy told him that he
had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle
them. The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit
them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling
act, a car pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the
performance briefly, he then went over to the squad car, opened the rear door
and got in.
The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad
car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
drunk replied, "Might as well take my ass on to jail, there's no way in hell I
can pass that test."
The Prime Minister
A man on his way home from work in downtown Ottawa
came to a dead halt in traffic, and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic
seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving." He notices a police officer
walking back and forth between the lines of cars, so he rolls down his window
and asks: "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold-up?"
The officer replies:
"The Prime Minister is just so depressed about the corruption scandals that he
stopped his limo in the middle of the freeway, and he's threatening to douse
himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says the country hates him and
he can't quit, because he hasn't a big enough pension to retire. I'm walking
around taking up a collection for him."
"Oh really? How much have you
collected so far?"
"So far only about a hundred litres, but I've got a lot
of folks still siphoning."
Two gay guys were in a San Francisco bathroom
using the urinals. One of the guys noticed that the other guy had a Nicoderm
patch on his penis. He turned to the other guy and said, "I believe you're
supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."
other guy replied, "It's working just fine. I'm down to 2 butts a day."
Car for Sale!
A man read, in the want ads, of a Ferrari for
sale. It had only 3,000 miles. "Like new," the ad boasted. "Mint condition.
He laughed to himself, and he said, "There goes the newspaper,
making another mistake." But he decided to call the number anyway and he asked
the woman who answered about the sports car.
"Is it really brand new?"
"Yes," she replied.
"Three thousand miles?"
"Seventy-five dollars," she answered.
"Lady, what's wrong with it?" he
"Nothing is wrong with it. You're the first to call. I suppose
nobody else believes the ad."
He decided to look at it. She let him take a
test drive. The car looked exquisite and ran perfectly. He just couldn't
believe his luck!
"The car is yours for $75.00," the woman said
emphatically, "on one condition. I want the money now and I want you to drive
it away so I never have to see it again."
He paid her and took the keys.
"Please tell me, lady," he persisted. "You could have sold this car for
fifty-thousand dollars. What is going on?"
She told her story: "I bought
this car for my husband on our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. Two weeks
later he ran off with somebody else. Last week I got a card from him. They are
in a resort in Miami Beach, Florida.
The card said, 'Need money, sell car,
Coming home drunk
Two women go out one weekend without their
husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt
the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and
drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not
have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them
to clean herself and discarded them.
The second not finding anything
either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon
of a flower wreath to clean herself.
The morning after, the two husbands
were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: " We have
to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night,
my wife came home without her panties...".
The other one responded: "You're
lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, "We will never