August - Humor Fest!

A little old Jewish grandmother

A little old Jewish grandmother gives directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife;
"You come to the front door of the apartment complex.
I am in apartment 14.
There is a big panel at the door.
With your elbow push button 14.
I will buzz you in.
Come inside, the elevator is on the right.
Get in and with your elbow hit 14.
When you get out I am on the left.
With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all those buttons with my elbow?"
"You're coming empty handed ??????"

Actual School Excuse Notes

These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:
1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]
12) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.
16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17) Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
22) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

Alaskan Blondes

You have to have lived in snow country to appreciate this one.
A trucker stops for red light and a blonde girl catches up. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window.
The girl says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. The trucker stops for another red light and the girl again catches up.
She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window and she says "Hi my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!"
He ignores her again and continues down the street. The trucker stops for still another red light and the girl catches up again all out of breath. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window.
Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of you load!"
He dismisses her and starts off down the street, then stops.
The trucker gets out of the truck, approaches the blonde girl and says:
"Hi, my name is Kevin and I am driving a SALT TRUCK!"

And now this week's shallow thoughts!

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstyle you like.

Paper is always strongest at the perforations.

No one feels as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.

If nobody knows the troubles you've seen, then you don't live in a small town.

To err is human, to forgive ... unlikely.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Let everyone sweep in front of his own door, and the whole world will be clean.

Comedian: You laugh on the outside, but inside you harbor a bitter resentment toward people who have enough money for food.

Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.

Middle age is when you burn the midnight oil around 9:00 pm.

THE BLONDE IN THE MIRROR!

A brunette, redhead, and a blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation. After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"
The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three," and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money.
The redhead stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most talented of us three," and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands.
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said,

(ARE YOU READY FOR THIS??????)




"I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror.

COWBOYS

THREE MEN ARE SITTIN' ON A BENCH.
ONE'S A TEXAN WEARING A STETSON, ONE'S A MUSLIM WEARING A TURBAN, AND THE LAST AN APACHE WITH AN EAGLE FEATHER WOVEN IN HIS HAIR.
THE INDIAN IS RATHER GLUM AND SAYS "ONCE MY PEOPLE WERE MANY, BUT NOW WE ARE FEW."
THE MUSLIM PUFFS UP AND SAYS "ONCE MY PEOPLE WERE FEW, BUT NOW WE ARE MANY MILLIONS."
THE TEXAN ADJUSTS HIS HAT, FINISHES ROLLING A SMOKE, LEANS BACK IN HIS CHAIR AND DRAWLS,
"THAT'S CAUSE WE AIN'T PLAYED COWBOYS AND MUSLIMS YET."

Daily Giggle

Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Did you know?

HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITHOUT KNOWING THESE THINGS?

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska.
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% ( now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400.
The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David; Hearts - Charlemagne; Clubs -Alexander, the Great; Diamonds - Julius Caesar
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month? A. Conception.
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? A. Obsession
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? A. One thousand
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? A. All invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey
Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year? A. Father's Day
Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic? A. He was allergic to carrots.
Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party? A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar as lunar based, this period was called the honey month we know today as the honeymoon.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's".
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
AND FINALLY...................................
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

Heres one for the girls!

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools and the intelligence to cross this river."
And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, and then walked across the bridge.
SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH
AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT.

Maybe drinking is the answer!

If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.
With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00.
Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

Quiz For People Who Know Everything!

(1) There's one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it?

(2) What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

(3) Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

(4) Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball.

(5) What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

(6) In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

(7) Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw." They are all common. Name two of them.

(8) There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them?

(9) Where are the lakes that are referred to in the "Los Angeles Lakers"?

(10)There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls -- a walk -- is one way. Name the other six.

(11)It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it?

(12)Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet that begin with the letter "s".

OK, you guys and gals that thought you knew everything, here are the answers.............
ANSWERS TO QUIZ
(1) Boxing.
(2) Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about 2 and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.
(3) Asparagus and rhubarb.
(4) Baseball.
(5) Strawberry.
(6) The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the whole growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.
(7) "Dwarf", "dwell", and "dwindle".
(8) Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
(9) In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers and kept the name when they moved west.
(10) Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher interference; catcher drops third strike; fielder's choice; and being designated as a pinch runner.
(11) Lettuce.
(12) Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, snowshoes, stockings.

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