Just Joking

Just a Thought!


"Deep Thoughts"

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do." is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?


It ALL Depends on the Way You Look at Things.

One day a father and his rich family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing him how poor people can be. They spent a day and a night on the farm of a very poor family.
When they got back from their trip the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"
"Very good Dad!"
"Did you see how poor people can be?" the father asked.
"Yeah!"
"And what did you learn?"
The son answered, "I saw that we have a dog at home, and they have four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of the garden, they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lamps in the garden, they have the stars. Our patio reaches to the front yard, they have a whole horizon."
When the little boy was finishing, his father was speechless.
His son added, "Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are!"


THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW YOU DIDN'T KNOW

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

A snail can sleep for three years.

All polar bears are left handed.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with their feet

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about 10.

Cat's urine glows under a black light.

China has more English speakers than the United States.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you will have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Michael Jordan has more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

No word in the English language rhymes with month.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the 1930's lobbied against hemp farmers-they saw it as competition.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

Starfish haven't got brains.

The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The name Wendy was made up for the book 'Peter Pan'.

The Pentagon in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as necessary. When it was built in the 1940's, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.


Life in the 1500's – This is really interesting (and TRUE!!)

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and were still smelling pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the b.o.

Baths equalled a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water".

Houses had thatched roofs. Thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the pets... dogs, cats and other small animals, mice, rats, bugs lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. So, they found if they made beds with big posts and hung a sheet over the top, it addressed that problem. Hence those beautiful big 4 poster beds with canopies.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors which would get slippery in the winter when wet. So they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed at the entry way, hence a "thresh hold".

They cooked in the kithen in a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They mostly ate vegetables and didn't get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been in there for a month. Hence the rhyme: peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork and would feel really special when that happened. When company came over, they would bring out some bacon and hang it to show it off. It was a sign of wealth and that a man "could really bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food. This happened most often with tomatoes, so they stopped eating tomatoes... for 400 years.

Most people didn't have pewter plates, but had trenchers - a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms got into the wood. After eating off wormy trenchers, they would get "trench mouth."

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the "upper crust".

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake".

England is old and small, and they started running out of places to bury people. So, they would dig up coffins and would take their bones to a house and re-use the grave. In reopening these coffins, one out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on their wrist and lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night to listen for the bell. Hence on the "graveyard shift" they would know that someone was "saved by the bell" or he was a "dead ringer".


Dear Lord,
So far today, I am doing all right. I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent.
However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I will need a lot more help after that. Amen.


Tricks! Not Jokes

Make sure you follow the instructions.
Two different tests which are bizarre but seemingly true.
(1) Read the sentence below:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

Now, go back and count the number of "F's" in the sentence.

Answer below:











There are six "F's" The human brain tends to see the F in "OF" as a "V" Rarely will anyone find more than three "F's" in the sentence


Just follow the instructions below:

(2) DON'T scroll down too fast-do it slowly, and follow the instructions below exactly, and do the maths in your head as fast as you can. FOLLOW these instructions one at a time and as QUICKLY as you can!


What is: 2+2?






4+4?






8+8?






16+16?






Quick! Pick a number between 12 and 5 Got it?






Now scroll down






The number you picked was 7 right?


Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.
After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."


Facts of life?

1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming to high.

2. Women don't make fools of men...most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason.... you're sick of him.

4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.

5. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.

6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one...they try harder.

7. Go for younger men...You might as well...they never mature anyway.

8. Men are all the same...they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

9. Definition of a man with manners...he gets out of the bath to pee.

10. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he does.

11. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men ... a woman.

12. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men ... strong, caring, loving ... they'd be wrong but you could still use them.

13. Men are like animals...messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but they make great pets.

14. Men's brains are like the prison system...not enough cells per man.

15. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men ... "don't" and "stop" (Unless they're used together).

16. Husbands are like children ... they're fine if they're someone else's.

17. If a man appears sexy, caring and smart ... give him a day and he will be back to his usual self.

18. All men are like chickens with their heads cut off when they see beautiful women pass by.

19. If your man appears happy, excited and keeps looking at you all of a sudden ... he is probably checking out the woman behind you.

20. Figuring out men is like trying to make a jigsaw puzzle in a jar ... once you think you have it all put together, you find another piece but don't know where it goes.


A businessman was talking with his barber, when they both noticed a goofy-looking fellow bouncing down the sidewalk.
The barber whispered, "That's Tommy, one of the stupidest kids you'll ever meet.
Here, I'll show you."
"Hey Tommy! Come here!" yelled the barber.
Tommy came bouncing over "Hi Mr. Williams!"
The barber pulled out a rusty dime and a shiny quarter and told Tommy he could keep the one of his choice.
Tommy looked long and hard at the dime and quarter and then quickly snapped the dime from the barber's hand.
The barber looked at the businessman and said, "See, I told you."
After his haircut, the businessman caught up with Tommy and asked him why he chose the dime.
Tommy looked at him in the eye and said, "If I take the quarter, the game is over."


Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't"...
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit?
We got forbidden fruit?
Hey, Eve...we got Forbidden Fruit!"
"No way!"
"Yes WAY!"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I'm your Creator and I said so!" said God wondering why he> hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having a fruit break and was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did Not!"
"DID so!"
"DID NOT!!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
But there is a reassurance in this story:
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 bottles of beer each.
It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None.
It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course.
At least he'll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

Scientists have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It is Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.


BackHomeNext

Navigational Bar Apply for your Free New Brunswick Tourism Guide here! Track your New Brunswick roots here! An index of over 2,500 links from New Brunswick Drop us a note, we'd love to hear from you! Images of the Picture Province of New Brunswick Games, jokes, cartoons, screen savers and more, all free for the taken! General information on the province of New Brunswick Tourism information on New Brunswick Find out recent changes made to the site. A full breakdown of what this site has to offer1 Enter