September - Jokes
to Fall For!
Thought she was Right!
A blonde was sitting in class when the professor
asked her if she knew what the Roe vs. Wade decision was.
She sat there for
quite a while pondering this very profound question and finally sighed and
"I think that is the decision George Washington made prior to
crossing the Delaware."
A Quick Genuine One Question Psychological Test
At the funeral of her mother, a girl met a guy
whom she did not know. She believed him to be her dream guy, she thought he was
amazing, and she fell in love with him then and there. He left before she could
get his name. A few days later, the girl killed her own sister.
What is the motive in killing her sister?
DO NOT scroll down until you
have thought your answer through!!!
Remember that this is not a typical
lateral thinking puzzle - there is no hidden information.
DO YOU HAVE AN ANSWER? NOW SCROLL DOWN.
She hoped the guy would appear
at her sister's funeral, so she could get his name and phone number.
was a test by a famous American psychologist used to determine if one has the
same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in this test
and answered it correctly. If you answered this correctly, you are either very
clever or you think like a psychopath.
*If any of your friends admit to
answering correctly, it is suggested that you keep your distance.
A pastor walked into a neighborhood pub
A pastor walked into a neighborhood pub. The place
was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would
Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt
into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the town pastor, the room went dead
silent. He walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should." Why
not? the pastor asked. "Well, there is a statue of a naked woman in there, and
her most private part is covered only by a fig leaf. "
Nonsense, said the
pastor, "I'll just look the other way."
So the bartender showed the
clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom.
After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with
music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the
Pastor a loud round of applause.
He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I
don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the
Well, now they know you're one of us, said the bartender.
"Would you like a drink?"
But, I still don't understand, said the
You see, laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is
lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place.
"Now how about
A Little Help
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in
the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the
door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a
"Not a chance!!," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is
"Well, you sure have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two
guys helped us?"
"I think you should help him, as well you should be
ashamed of yourself for refusing in the first place!"
The man does as he is
told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the
dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the
reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on
the swing!" replies the drunk.
The other day, I was getting into an elevator. As
I entered, a lovely woman already inside greeted me by saying, "T - G - I - F."
I smiled at her and replied, "S - H - I - T."
She looked at me,
puzzled, and said again, "T - G - I- F."
I acknowledged her remark once
more by answering, "S - H - I - T."
The lady was trying to be friendly, so
she smiled her biggest smile and said to me as sweetly as possibly, "T - G - I
- F" one more time.
Then I smiled back at her and once again replied with a
quizzical statement, "S - H - I - T."
The lady, finally deciding to
explain, said, "T - G - I - F, Thank Goodness It's Friday.....get it?"
answered back, "S - H - I - T....... Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
There is a new study out about women. I thought
these results were pretty interesting.
85% of women think their ass is
10% of women think their ass is too little......
The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have
married him anyway.
Compilation CD from artists of the 60's and 70's
The boomers are getting older, so are the groups
we grew up with. A new compilation CD from artists of the 60's and 70's might
look like this...
Carly Simon - You're So Varicose Vein
The Bee Gees -
How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot
Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now
The Temptations - Papa
Got a Kidney Stone
Nancy Sinatra - These Boots Give Me Arthritis
Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping
Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom
Procol Harum - A Whiter Shade of
The Beatles - I Get By with a Little Help From Depends
- Rikki Don't Lose Your Car Keys
Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown You've Got a
The Rolling Stones - You Can't Always Pee When You Want
Creedence Clearwater Revival - Bad Prune Rising
Marvin Gaye - I Heard
It Through the Grape Nuts
The Who - Talkin' 'Bout My Medication
Troggs - Bald Thing....
A British doctor says :
"Medicine in my
country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in
another, and have him looking for work in 6 weeks."
A German doctor
"That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in
another and have him looking for work in 4 weeks."
A Russian doctor
"In my country medicine is so advanced we can take half a heart out
of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in 2
The Canadian doctor, not to be outdone, says:
"You guys are
way behind. We just took a man with no brains out of Shawinigan, put him in as
Prime Minister of Canada, and now half the country is looking for work, and the
other speaks French."
Don't sleep in church....
A man goes up to the minister at the local
"Reverend," he said, "We have a problem.
My wife keeps falling
asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing, not to mention
disrespectful. What should I do?"
"I've noticed this and have an idea if
you're up to the task," said the minister.
"Take this hat pin with you. I
will be able to tell when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at
specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg."
church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher
put his plan to work.
"And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he
said, nodding to Mr. Jones.
"Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband
jabbed her in the leg with the sharp object.
"Yes! You are correct, Mrs.
Jones!" came the minister's quick reply.
Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again.
And again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the
congregation, motioning toward Mr. Jones.
"My God!" howled Mrs. Jones as
she was stuck again with the pin.
"Right again!" bellowed the minister, a
slight grin on his face. Before long, Mrs. Jones again winked off. However,
this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon,
he made a few hand gestures.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to
Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
As Mr. Jones enthusiastically poked
his wife's thigh with the hat pin piercing her skin, she screamed,
stick that fricken thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and
shove it up your ass!"
"Amen!" replied all the women in the congregation.
Expressions for women on High Stress Days!
1.. You - Off my planet.
2.. Not the brightest
crayon in the box now, are we?
3.. Well, this day was a total waste of
4.. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
5.. And your
crybaby whiny opinion would be?
6.. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very
bad mood for 30 years.
7.. Allow me to introduce my selves.
is just one more service we offer.
9.. Whatever kind of look you were going
for, you missed.
10.. I'm just working here until a good fast-food job
11.. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't sleeping.
13.. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
many times do I have to flush before you go away?
15.. I just want revenge.
Is that so wrong?
16.. You say I'm a witch like it's a bad thing.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
18.. Nice perfume. Must you
marinate in it?
19.. Chaos, panic, and disorder - my job is done here.
20.. Earth is full. Go home.
21.. Is it time for your medication or
22.. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
23.. I'm not tense,
just terribly, terribly alert.
With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded
parking lots, especially during evening hours, the Minneapolis City Council has
established a "Women Only" parking lot at the Mall of America.
parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe
environment is created for patrons. Below is the first picture available of
this world-first women-only parking lot in Minnesota.
Funny speeding ticket stories...
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for
speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem, a
10-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read
"RADAR TRAP AHEAD."
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road
with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change. (And we used to just
BEST: A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As
the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book,
she said,"I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's
He replied, "Highway Patrolmen don't have balls."
There was a
moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He
then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.
She was laughing
too hard to start her car for several minutes.