September - Jokes to Fall For!

Thought she was Right!

A blonde was sitting in class when the professor asked her if she knew what the Roe vs. Wade decision was.
She sat there for quite a while pondering this very profound question and finally sighed and said,
"I think that is the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware."

A Quick Genuine One Question Psychological Test

At the funeral of her mother, a girl met a guy whom she did not know. She believed him to be her dream guy, she thought he was amazing, and she fell in love with him then and there. He left before she could get his name. A few days later, the girl killed her own sister.
Question:
What is the motive in killing her sister?
DO NOT scroll down until you have thought your answer through!!!
Remember that this is not a typical lateral thinking puzzle - there is no hidden information.





DO YOU HAVE AN ANSWER? NOW SCROLL DOWN.








Answer:
She hoped the guy would appear at her sister's funeral, so she could get his name and phone number.
This was a test by a famous American psychologist used to determine if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in this test and answered it correctly. If you answered this correctly, you are either very clever or you think like a psychopath.
*If any of your friends admit to answering correctly, it is suggested that you keep your distance.

A pastor walked into a neighborhood pub

A pastor walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off.
Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the town pastor, the room went dead silent. He walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should." Why not? the pastor asked. "Well, there is a statue of a naked woman in there, and her most private part is covered only by a fig leaf. "
Nonsense, said the pastor, "I'll just look the other way."
So the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the Pastor a loud round of applause.
He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
Well, now they know you're one of us, said the bartender.
"Would you like a drink?"
But, I still don't understand, said the puzzled pastor.
You see, laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place.
"Now how about that drink?"

A Little Help

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance!!," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"
"Well, you sure have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?"
"I think you should help him, as well you should be ashamed of yourself for refusing in the first place!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

T-G-I-F

The other day, I was getting into an elevator. As I entered, a lovely woman already inside greeted me by saying, "T - G - I - F."
I smiled at her and replied, "S - H - I - T."
She looked at me, puzzled, and said again, "T - G - I- F."
I acknowledged her remark once more by answering, "S - H - I - T."
The lady was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said to me as sweetly as possibly, "T - G - I - F" one more time.
Then I smiled back at her and once again replied with a quizzical statement, "S - H - I - T."
The lady, finally deciding to explain, said, "T - G - I - F, Thank Goodness It's Friday.....get it?"
I answered back, "S - H - I - T....... Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

"Ass Study"

There is a new study out about women. I thought these results were pretty interesting.

85% of women think their ass is too big.......

10% of women think their ass is too little......

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway.

Compilation CD from artists of the 60's and 70's

The boomers are getting older, so are the groups we grew up with. A new compilation CD from artists of the 60's and 70's might look like this...
Carly Simon - You're So Varicose Vein
The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now
The Temptations - Papa Got a Kidney Stone
Nancy Sinatra - These Boots Give Me Arthritis
ABBA - Denture Queen
Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping
Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom
Procol Harum - A Whiter Shade of Hair
The Beatles - I Get By with a Little Help From Depends
Steely Dan - Rikki Don't Lose Your Car Keys
Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker
The Rolling Stones - You Can't Always Pee When You Want
Creedence Clearwater Revival - Bad Prune Rising
Marvin Gaye - I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts
The Who - Talkin' 'Bout My Medication
The Troggs - Bald Thing....

Doctors

A British doctor says :
"Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 6 weeks."

A German doctor says:
"That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in 4 weeks."

A Russian doctor says:
"In my country medicine is so advanced we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks.

The Canadian doctor, not to be outdone, says:
"You guys are way behind. We just took a man with no brains out of Shawinigan, put him in as Prime Minister of Canada, and now half the country is looking for work, and the other speaks French."

Don't sleep in church....

A man goes up to the minister at the local church.
"Reverend," he said, "We have a problem.
My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing, not to mention disrespectful. What should I do?"
"I've noticed this and have an idea if you're up to the task," said the minister.
"Take this hat pin with you. I will be able to tell when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work.
"And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.
"Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the sharp object.
"Yes! You are correct, Mrs. Jones!" came the minister's quick reply.
Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. And again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning toward Mr. Jones.
"My God!" howled Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin.
"Right again!" bellowed the minister, a slight grin on his face. Before long, Mrs. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few hand gestures.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
As Mr. Jones enthusiastically poked his wife's thigh with the hat pin piercing her skin, she screamed,
"You stick that fricken thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen!" replied all the women in the congregation.

Expressions for women on High Stress Days!

1.. You - Off my planet.
2.. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3.. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
4.. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
5.. And your crybaby whiny opinion would be?
6.. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
7.. Allow me to introduce my selves.
8.. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
9.. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
10.. I'm just working here until a good fast-food job opens up.
11.. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
12.. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't sleeping.
13.. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
14.. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
15.. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
16.. You say I'm a witch like it's a bad thing.
17.. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
18.. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
19.. Chaos, panic, and disorder - my job is done here.
20.. Earth is full. Go home.
21.. Is it time for your medication or mine?
22.. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
23.. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

For Women!

With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots, especially during evening hours, the Minneapolis City Council has established a "Women Only" parking lot at the Mall of America.
Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons. Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only parking lot in Minnesota.

Funny speeding ticket stories...

A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem, a 10-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD."
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change. (And we used to just sell lemonade...)

BEST: A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said,"I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."
He replied, "Highway Patrolmen don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

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