Just Joking

October - Jokes to Scare You!


20 Ways to Say "Your Fly Is Open"

20. The cucumber has left the salad.

19. I can see the gun of Navarone.

18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17. You've got Windows in your laptop.

16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

15. Your soldier isn’t so unknown now.

14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.

13. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

12. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!

5. You've got your fly set for “Monica” instead of “Hillary.”

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HIS FLY IS UNZIPPED...


1. I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.


Canadian vs American

In light of all that American macho posturing with Iraq....keep the following in mind: This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

**** Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95 ****
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.


Cool things about being a man:

1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10. Same work . more pay.
11. Wrinkles add character.
12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. One mood, ALL the damn time.
18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20. You can open all your own jars.
21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking ''He must be mad at me."
27. It's never that time of the month.
28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.
30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes
32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons
35. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
36. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in minutes.
37. The world is your urinal.

Those crazy Canadians!

On the road in Cape Breton, Nova Scotia One hundred Cape Bretoner's are traveling on a bus heading towards Edmonton, AB, they pass a sign that says Maximum 90,
10 of them jump out.


Police Report- St. John's, Newfoundland

There was a serious accident on a boulevard in St. John's. A Constab officer was taking a report of the major accident which left one man in pieces. He was writing the report and talking to himself.
He said: Fingers found in front seat of wrecked car, feet found in trunk of car and head found on boluva....hmmm.... head found on boluvar.....b.o.l.u.v.a......
He gave a giant kick and stated "head found in ditch!""


Newfoundland Moose Hunters

Two Newfies are moose hunting all day, finally they shoot a moose. They start dragging it out of the bush but are having a hard time.
Finally a fellow hunter comes up and says "Hey, you know if you drag the moose the other way with the grain of the fur it will be a lot easier.
The two newfies say "Hey good idea! So they start dragging it the other way, well about 2 hours later one newfie looks at the other and say " Hey this was a good idea, it is easier this way.
The other newfie say, "Yeah but we keep getting further away from the truck.


Little Johnny

It was little Johnny's first day in a new school, so his father looked up the teacher. He told her that little Johnny was a good kid but that he was an avid gambler. He warned her that little Johnny might win lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely.
The teacher did not seem disturbed, assured the father that she had handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of little Johnny's urge to gamble.
Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things were going.
"Oh, everything is going very well." She said. "I think I may have cured little Johnny of his gambling habit."
The father asked her what had happened.
"The little tyke absolutely insisted on betting me ten dollars that I had a mole on my rear." She said. "I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teacher's lounge to show him that I had no mole."
"Damn!" The father said.
"He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he would see the teacher's ass before the day was over."


WEEKEND PARTY

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being pay-day, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check. When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.


A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away".
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something?"
The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador.
As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out but returned a few moments later with a cat!
The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably ... dead."
He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced bill that he handed to the woman.
The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!"
The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been $20, but........what with the Lab Test and the Cat Scan...


This week's shallow thoughts!

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train Americans to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

The sum of society's intelligence is less than the average of it's individual parts.

Crazy people who are productive are geniuses. Crazy people who are rich are eccentric. But crazy people who are neither productive nor rich are just crazy.

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

An artist avails himself to both the darkness and the light. A brave artist swims in the same water in which the personality of the psychotic drowns.

The future ain't what it used to be.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them. - E.V. Lucas

Did you ever notice that in commercials advertising psychics, they're always going on and on about what the caller already knows? What good is that to anyone?

He's as sharp as a beach ball.


Truth and consequences...

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well,after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device... a vibrator ... soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She goes completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy... if you explain the kids."


The HMO

Mrs. Ward goes to the doctor's office to collect her husband's test results. The lab tech says to her,
"I'm sorry, ma'am, but there's been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your husband to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked.
"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband."
"That's terrible! Can't we do the test over?"
"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The HMO recommends that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."


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