October - Jokes to
20 Ways to Say "Your Fly Is Open"
20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink
Floyd is hanging out.
17. You've got Windows in your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore
15. Your soldier isnt so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and
tend to his bell.
13. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
12. You need to bring your tray table to the
upright and locked position.
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the
lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You've got your fly set for Monica
instead of Hillary.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HIS FLY IS
1. I thought you were crazy; now I see your
Canadian vs American
In light of all that American macho posturing with
Iraq....keep the following in mind: This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio
conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of
Newfoundland in October, 1995.
**** Radio conversation released by the
Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95 ****
Americans: Please divert your
course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED
STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS
AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO
ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Cool things about being a man: 1. Your ass is
never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans
take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a
rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near
your pubic area.
10. Same work . more pay.
11. Wrinkles add character.
12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
14. If you retain water, it's
in a canteen.
15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to
16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
mood, ALL the damn time.
18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20. You can open all
your own jars.
21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
23. If you
are 34 and single, nobody notices.
24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride
from the passenger's seat.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever
thinking ''He must be mad at me."
27. It's never that time of the month.
28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might
become lifelong friends.
29. You are not expected to know the names of more
than five colours.
30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to
turn a nut on a bolt.
31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
33. Your belly usually
hides your big hips.
34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all
35. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in minutes.
37. The world is your urinal.
Those crazy Canadians!
On the road in Cape Breton, Nova Scotia One
hundred Cape Bretoner's are traveling on a bus heading towards Edmonton, AB,
they pass a sign that says Maximum 90,
10 of them jump out.
Police Report- St. John's, Newfoundland
There was a serious accident on a boulevard in
St. John's. A Constab officer was taking a report of the major accident which
left one man in pieces. He was writing the report and talking to himself.
He said: Fingers found in front seat of wrecked car, feet found in trunk of
car and head found on boluva....hmmm.... head found on
He gave a giant kick and stated "head found
Newfoundland Moose Hunters
Two Newfies are moose hunting all day, finally
they shoot a moose. They start dragging it out of the bush but are having a
Finally a fellow hunter comes up and says "Hey, you know if you
drag the moose the other way with the grain of the fur it will be a lot easier.
The two newfies say "Hey good idea! So they start dragging it the other
way, well about 2 hours later one newfie looks at the other and say " Hey this
was a good idea, it is easier this way.
The other newfie say, "Yeah but we
keep getting further away from the truck.
It was little Johnny's first day in a new school,
so his father looked up the teacher. He told her that little Johnny was a good
kid but that he was an avid gambler. He warned her that little Johnny might win
lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely.
did not seem disturbed, assured the father that she had handled many such
problems and was very capable of taking care of little Johnny's urge to gamble.
Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things
"Oh, everything is going very well." She said. "I think I may
have cured little Johnny of his gambling habit."
The father asked her what
"The little tyke absolutely insisted on betting me ten
dollars that I had a mole on my rear." She said. "I finally agreed to the bet
and took him to the teacher's lounge to show him that I had no mole."
"Damn!" The father said.
"He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he
would see the teacher's ass before the day was over."
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But,
being pay-day, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying
with the boys and spending his entire pay check. When he finally appeared at
home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for
nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife
stopped the nagging and simply said to him.
"How would you like it if you
didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied. "That would be
fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and
Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling
went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his
A woman brought a very limp parrot into a
veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away".
distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on
him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something?"
The vet rolled
his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with
a beautiful black Labrador.
As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the
dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and
sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad
eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out but
returned a few moments later with a cat!
The cat jumped up and also sniffed
delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out
of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but like I
said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably ... dead."
turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced bill that he
handed to the woman.
The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!"
shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been $20,
but........what with the Lab Test and the Cat Scan...
This week's shallow thoughts!
The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few
weeks of captivity, they can train Americans to stand at the very edge of the
pool and throw them fish.
The sum of society's intelligence is less
than the average of it's individual parts.
Crazy people who are
productive are geniuses. Crazy people who are rich are eccentric. But crazy
people who are neither productive nor rich are just crazy.
goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
avails himself to both the darkness and the light. A brave artist swims in the
same water in which the personality of the psychotic drowns.
ain't what it used to be.
I have noticed that the people who are late
are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them. - E.V.
Did you ever notice that in commercials advertising psychics,
they're always going on and on about what the caller already knows? What good
is that to anyone?
He's as sharp as a beach ball.
Truth and consequences...
There was this couple that had been married for 20
years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off
Well,after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She
figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they
were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the
She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a battery
operated pleasure device... a vibrator ... soft, wonderful and larger than a
She goes completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she
screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says
"I'll explain the toy... if you explain the kids."
Mrs. Ward goes to the doctor's office to collect
her husband's test results. The lab tech says to her,
"I'm sorry, ma'am,
but there's been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the
samples from your husband to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were
sent as well and we are uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is
either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked.
one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We
can't tell which is your husband."
"That's terrible! Can't we do the test
"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these
expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The HMO recommends that you drop your husband off in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."