November - Fall for
"The School Answering Machine"
"Hello! You have reached the automated answering
service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff
member, please listen to all your options before making a selection: To lie
about why your child is absent
- Press 1 To make excuses for why your
child did not do his work
- Press 2 To complain about what we do
Press 3 To swear at staff members
- Press 4 To ask why you didn't get
information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers
mailed to you
- Press 5 If you want us to raise your child
- Press 6 If
you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone
- Press 7 To request
another teacher for the third time this year
- Press 8! To complain about
- Press 9 To complain about school lunches
- Press 0
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be
accountable/responsible for his/ her own behavior, class work, homework, and
that it's not the teachers fault for your children's lack of effort, hang up.
Comments made in the year 1957:
you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be
impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."
"Have you seen the new cars
coming out next year? It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one."
"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack
"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a
dime just to mail a letter?"
"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody
will be able to hire outside help at the store."
"When I first started
driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess
we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."
"Kids today are
impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next
thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."
afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable
get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has
either "hell" or "damn" in it.
"I read the other day where some scientist
thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They
even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000
a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making
more than the president."
"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen
appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."
"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women
are having to work to make ends meet."
"It won't be long before young
couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both
"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem
to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."
"I'm just afraid the
Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."
"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half
our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to
"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I
seriously doubt they will ever catch on."
"There is no sense going to
Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in
"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital
is too rich for my blood."
"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut,
A Clean Joke!
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing
in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to
the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says
he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a
beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!"
A Dying Man's Favorite Cookies
Ahhh, eternal love ... An elderly man lay dying in
his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite
chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining
strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly
made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself
down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he
leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for
death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread
out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his
favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of
heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the
table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the
wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him
back to life. The aged and withered hand, shockingly made its way to a cookie
at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his
"F&*k off," she said, "they're for the funeral."
There's a fellow who is an avid golfer.
Actually he's a golf fanatic.
Every Saturday morning he has an early
tee time. He gets up very early and golf's all day long.
Well, this one
Saturday morning, he gets up early, Dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the
closet, and goes out to his car to drive to the course.
It is raining a
torrential downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing
50 mph. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel.
From there he finds that it's supposed to be bad weather all day long. So
he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into
bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and whispers, "The weather out
there is terrible."
She replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out
A blonde's car breaks down on Interstate 5 one
day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps
out of the car and opens the trunk.
Out of the trunk jump two men in trench
coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming
traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to
Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in the
history of this Interstate occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows
The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled
vehicle yelling, "What the heck is going on here?"
"My car broke down,"
says the lady, calmly. "Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?"
asks the cop.
And she said... (scroll down)
(This is good...)
"Those are my emergency flashers!"
lady married a winner! :
One day my
housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on
the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your
He yelled back, "FLORIDA STATE."
And they say blondes are dumb.
A poor Mexican decided to bring his family to the
Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are paved with gold, but the husband
can find no work. His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at
the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray :
"Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family."
Eyes closed, the
Mexican does not see the black man coming over the top of the hill, stumbling
wildly with a broken grocery sack. When the Mexican man opens his eyes, a large
wheel of cheddar cheese rolls down the hill and lands at his feet!
thank you Jesus, thank you," he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight
home. He gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to make nachos.
"But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other
things," she inquires?
"No," the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me with
As I ran home, I kept hearing Him yell after me:
NACHO CHEESE... THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!!
WHY AMERICANS SHOULD NEVER BE LET OUT OF THE COUNTRY
Actual comments from US travel agents......
had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by
being near the window.
A client called in inquiring about a package to
Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to
fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from
a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the
flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with
trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."
trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape cod is
in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."
Her response ... click.
man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with
the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried
to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see
England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.
When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour layover in Dallas.
When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a
big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that
her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried
to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not
understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very
fast, and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put
your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to
who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with
the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is
there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked in
to it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for
Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know
which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I
was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on
A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of
those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter
plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
A business man called and had a
question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a
lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I
don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I
double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this
he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted
my American Express."
A woman called to make reservations, "I want to
go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York". The agent was at a loss for words.
Finally, the agent said,: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes,
what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the
agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in
the country and can't find a hippopotamus anywhere. "The customer retorted, "Oh
don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured
a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo do
you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal."
The boss of a small company called a spontaneous
staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone
gathered, the employer, who understood the benefits of having fun,told the
burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The
theme was "Viagra advertising slogans." The only rule was that they had to use
past ad slogans, originally written for other products, that captured the
essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About 7 minutes later,
they turned in their suggestions and created a "Top Ten List." After all the
laughter and camaraderie the rest of the week went very well for everyone. The
10. Viagra, It's "Whaazzzzz Up!"
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively
has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be
Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made
for a woman.
3. Viagra, Tastes great! More filling!
2. Viagra, We bring
good things to life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is
your penis... This is your penis on drugs... Any questions?
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's
chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she
hears the most awful blood curdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says
St.Peter, "it's only someone having the holes bored into her shoulder blades
for her wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on
with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling
"Oh myGod," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the
'I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off tohell."
can't go there," says St. Peter, "You'll be raped and sodomised."
I've already got the holes for that,"says the old lady.
A husband is at home watching a football game when
his wife interrupts, "honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been
flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily; "fix the
light, now? Does it look like I have a G.E. Logo printed on my forehead? I
don't think so!"
The wife asks, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door?
It won't close right."
To which he replied, "fix the fridge door? Does it
look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."
Fine, she says then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They're
about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix steps,
he says. Does it look like I have ace hardware written on my forehead? I don't
"I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!" So he goes to
the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he
treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the
house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees
the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door
"Honey, he asks, how'd all this get fixed?"
She said, "Well,
when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what
was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to
do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."
"He said, so what kind of
cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "hellooooo.......do you see Betty
Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so!"