December - End of
the Line laughs!
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and
Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year,
male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late
November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after
they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical
rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to
Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known. ONLY women would be able to
drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and
not get lost.
7 Degrees of Blonde!
A married couple were asleep when
the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up
the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles
from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices
a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in
the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde
says, "Here, let me see!"
So the first blonde hands her the compact. The
second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out
and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the
door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome
with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells,
"No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state
capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies,
"Oh, that's easy: W."
What did the blonde ask her
doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US
government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was
about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said,
"That was the
decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to
find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and
a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer
approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch,
shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my
possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
send me a BLIND policeman."
CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED
Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are
Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
Narcissistic --- Hark
the Herald Angles Sing About Me
Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and
House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses
and Trucks and trees and Fire Hydrants and......
Paranoid --- Santa Claus
is Coming to Get me
Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of
Roasting on an Open Fire
Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm
Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why
Disorder ---Jingle Bells, jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
TWO NEWFOUNDLANDERS VISIT MONTREAL
from Cupids, Newfoundland, are visiting Montreal. While on their visit, one of
the brothers says to the other:"Hey, we gotta get a gift for mum!"
walk in to the nearest Zeller's store and look around. Finally, they decide to
check out the bathroom accessories. They spot a beautiful toilet set, you know,
those plushy toilet seat covers and the little carpet that goes around the
toilet. They choose a pink set with a little rose in the middle. They wrap it
up and mail it to their mother in Newfoundland. They continue their trip and
finally head back home. When they get to their house, their mother is waiting
for them with a big smile on her face.
"My dear boys, she says, I got your
lovely gift, thank you!"
"How do you like it?", says one of the brothers.
"Oh! juste great" answers the mother.
"The cape is just perfect, but
the beret is a little too big for my head."
Agony of 'da feet II
young Newfoundlander, leaving home for a one week visit to Toronto, was told by
his mother to put on clean socks every day.
By the end of the week he
couldn't get his boots on.
While I was flying down the road yesterday (only
10 mph over), I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge.
The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the
I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what
do you do?"
I responded, "I'm a rectum stretcher."
The cop said
"What.....a rectum stretcher, and what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then
three, then four, then my whole hand, then I work until I can get both hands in
there and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide."
asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge..."
ticket -- $95 dollars. The look on his
The Ant and The Grasshopper
The Ant and The Grasshopper an oldie , but still
The Ant and The Grasshopper CLASSIC VERSION:
The ant works
hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up
supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and
dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well
The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
The ant works hard in the withering heat all
summer long, Building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer
away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and
demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while
others less fortunate are cold and starving.
CBC shows up to provide
pictures of the shivering grasshopper. Next to a video of the ant in his
comfortable home with a table filled with food.
Canadians are stunned by
the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this
poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
The NDP and the CAW stage a
demonstration in front of the ant's house, where the news stations film the
group singing "We Shall Overcome." Svend Robinson rants in an interview with
Pamela Wallin that the ant has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and
calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share".
Finally, the Liberal Government drafts the Economic Equity and Anti
Grasshopper Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined
for failing to hire green bugs for help and, having nothing left to pay his
retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food
while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old
house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.
The ant has
disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related
incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who
terrorize the once peaceful neighbourhood.
The birds and the bees
A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows
about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child says,
bursting into tears."Promise me you won't tell me!"'
Confused, the father
asks what's wrong.
"Oh, dad," the boy sobs. "When I was six, I got the
'There's no Santa speech'. At seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny'
speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown ups don't really get laid, I'll have
nothing left to live for!"
A Quebecois' Math Test
An Alberta construction site boss was
interviewing men for a job,when along came a Quebecois. I'm not hiring any
Quebecers," the foreman thought to himself, so he made up a test hoping that
the Quebecois wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to
refuse him the job without getting into an argument.
Here's your first
question," the foreman said.
"Without using numbers, represent the number
"Witout numbers?" The Quebecois says. "Dat is easy," and proceeds to
draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain?
Tree and tree and tree make nine." says the Quebecer.
"Fair enough," says
the boss. "Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the
number is 99."
The Quebecois stares into space for a while, then picks up
the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you getthat to
"Each of da trees is dirty now! So it's dirty tree, and
dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried he's
going to have to hire him, so he says, "Alright, last question. Same rules
again, but represent the number100."
The Quebecer stares into space again,
then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each
tree, and says, "Ere you go. One'undred."
The boss looks at the attempt.
"You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred."
leans forward and points to the marks at the treebases, and says, "A little dog
come along and crap by each tree, so now you've got dirty tree and a turd,
dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one 'undred.
So when do I start?"
According to a news report, a certain private
school in Victoria, BC, recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of
grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would
press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, The girls would
put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major
problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To
demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out
a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
teachers, and then there are educators ..
Three old guys out walking
Three old guys out walking. First old guy says.
"Windy isn't it?
" Second one says, "No its Thursday"!!
Third one says.
"So am I. Lets go get a beer".
An old man was telling his neighbor, "I
just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars,but it's state
of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is
To those of us who have children
To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is
something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not
extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created
Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
We have forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He
hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God
saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell
you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!"
Having had it with
the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of
their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS
REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to
give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If
God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of
cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to
sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing
your own kids.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word
for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding
children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful
than your own.
6. We child proofed our homes, but they are still getting
ADVICE FOR THE DAY!
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your
And finally, if you have a lot of tension and you get a
headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND
----- "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN."