January - New
A man and his truck
One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street
when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him
with a wide grin.
"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"
gave it to me" Bubba replied.
"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda
sweet on ya, but a new truck?"
"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what
happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby
Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the
She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,
'Bubba, take whatever you want'.
So I took the truck!"
"Bubba, you're a
Them clothes woulda never fit you".
World War III
President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a
bar. A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting
The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks
over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III."
The guy says, "Really? What's going to
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis and one
blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill
a blonde with big tits?"
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder
"See smart ass, I told you no one would worry about the 140
Words of wisdom
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man +
dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb
woman = pregnancy
Smart boss + smart employee
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart
employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1
for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS ; STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is
one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one
who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you
must understand him a lot and love him alittle.
To be happy with a woman,
you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are
a lot more willing to die
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries
a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman
expecting that she won't change, and she does
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says
after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM
BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at
weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next.";
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK
CAN HANDLE IT
My advice for life is: When life hands you a lemon... ask
for a bottle of tequila and some salt :o) .
Q. What do you get when you cross a donkey with an
A. Most of the time you'll simply get an onion with long ears, but
every once in a while you'll get a piece of ass that will bring tears to your
WHY YELLING AT A MAN DOESN'T WORK
What a woman says:
This place is a mess!
C'mon! You and I need to clean up! Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll
have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears:
blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I blah, blah,blah,blah,
ON THE FLOOR blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW
This Week's deep Thoughts
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching
television by candlelight. - George Gobol
The things that come to those
who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Everyday I beat
my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
Remember, as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family. - Homer
A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the
adults are out acting like teenagers.
He who dies with the most toys,
is nonetheless, still dead.
Look at life through the windshield, not
the rear-view mirror.
Knowing without doing is like plowing without
Talk is cheap, barbers give it away free with haircuts.
Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking
after his sheep on the side of a deserted road, quite probably in a remote
region of Scotland but it really doesn't matter. Suddenly a brand new Porsche
screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti
shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie, gets
out and asks the shepherd:
"If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will
you give me one of them?"
The shepherd looks at the young man, and then
looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies:"Okay."
The young man
parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Webster,
scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled
with logarithms and pivot tables later, he prints out a 150-page report on his
high-tech mini-printer. He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly
1,586 sheep here."
The shepherd cheers, "That's correct, you can have your
The young man takes his pick and puts it in the back of his
The shepherd looks at him and asks:
"If I guess your
profession, will you return my animal to me?"
The young man answers, "Yes,
The shepherd says, "You are an IT consultant."
did you know that?" asks the young man.
"Very simple," answers the
"First, you came here without being asked.
charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, and third, you don't
understand anything about my business...
now can I have my dog back?"
ARKANSAS SPECIAL FORCES UNIT ACTIVATED
The U.S. Military's latest tactic to drive the
Taliban and Al Qaeda out of the mountains of Afghanistan is to send in the ASF
(Arkansas Special Forces) Unit.
Billy Bob, Bubba, Boo, Scooter, Cooter and
Junior are being sent in with the following information about the Taliban:
1. There is no limit.
2. The season opened last weekend.
taste just like chicken.
4. They hate beer, pickup trucks, country music,
5. Some are queer.
6. They don't like barbecue.
were responsible for Dale Earnhardt's death. We estimate it should be all over
in about a week.
A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar when he
gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and
orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his
wife has just produced a typical Canadian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the
Canuck just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks...like I said, my
boy's a typical Canadian baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all
around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. One woman actually fainted
due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later the Canadian returns to the bar.
bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Canadian baby that
weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?
Everybody's been making' bets about
how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you....... so how much does he
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day
he was born."
The Canadian father takes a slow swig from his Molson beer,
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had him circumcised".
The ultimate Dear John response:
An Army ranger was deployed to Afghanistan. While
he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she
explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone, she wanted
to break up and she wants pictures of herself back.
So the Ranger does what
any squared away Ranger would do. He went around to his buddies and collected
all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25
pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:
"I'm sorry I can't
remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and
send the rest back. Thank you."
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does
it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the
second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and
toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of
drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a
heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me,
so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found
her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there,
either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran
as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart
attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped
to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
Only in the US Legal System
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased
a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against ... Get this
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous
cigars and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man
filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the man stated
that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires."
company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the
cigars in a normal fashion.
The man sued...And won!
In delivering his
ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in
which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that
it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to
be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare
cigars he lost in "the fires."
After the man cashed his check, however, the
insurance company had him arrested...
On 24 counts of arson!
own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence
against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and
sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.