January - New Laughs!

A man and his truck

One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"
"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.
"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"
"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods.
She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want'.
So I took the truck!"
"Bubba, you're a smart man!.
Them clothes woulda never fit you".

World War III

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"
The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III."
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis and one blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says,
"See smart ass, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

Words of wisdom
MATHEMATICS
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS ; STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him alittle.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next.";
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT

My advice for life is: When life hands you a lemon... ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt :o) .

Q. What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A. Most of the time you'll simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in a while you'll get a piece of ass that will bring tears to your eyes.

WHY YELLING AT A MAN DOESN'T WORK

What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up! Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears: blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW

This Week's deep Thoughts

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobol

The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

Remember, as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family. - Homer Simpson

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

He who dies with the most toys, is nonetheless, still dead.

Look at life through the windshield, not the rear-view mirror.

Knowing without doing is like plowing without sowing.

Talk is cheap, barbers give it away free with haircuts.

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road, quite probably in a remote region of Scotland but it really doesn't matter. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie, gets out and asks the shepherd:
"If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"
The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies:"Okay."
The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Webster, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables later, he prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer. He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here."
The shepherd cheers, "That's correct, you can have your sheep."
The young man takes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche.
The shepherd looks at him and asks:
"If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?"
The young man answers, "Yes, why not?"
The shepherd says, "You are an IT consultant."
"Blimey! How did you know that?" asks the young man.
"Very simple," answers the shepherd.
"First, you came here without being asked.
Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, and third, you don't understand anything about my business...
now can I have my dog back?"

ARKANSAS SPECIAL FORCES UNIT ACTIVATED

The U.S. Military's latest tactic to drive the Taliban and Al Qaeda out of the mountains of Afghanistan is to send in the ASF (Arkansas Special Forces) Unit.
Billy Bob, Bubba, Boo, Scooter, Cooter and Junior are being sent in with the following information about the Taliban:
1. There is no limit.
2. The season opened last weekend.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They hate beer, pickup trucks, country music, and Jesus.
5. Some are queer.
6. They don't like barbecue.
7. They were responsible for Dale Earnhardt's death. We estimate it should be all over in about a week.

Canadian

A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Canadian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Canuck just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks...like I said, my boy's a typical Canadian baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later the Canadian returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Canadian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?
Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you....... so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."
The Canadian father takes a slow swig from his Molson beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had him circumcised".

The ultimate Dear John response:

An Army ranger was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone, she wanted to break up and she wants pictures of herself back.
So the Ranger does what any squared away Ranger would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:
"I'm sorry I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back. Thank you."

Pearly Gates

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

Only in the US Legal System

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against ... Get this ....fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion.
The man sued...And won!
In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires."
After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested...
On 24 counts of arson!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.

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