February - Snowed in Fun!

Another Blonde Joke!

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things: 1 - The bartender is a blonde girl. 2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 120 kg blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter. 5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
"Nah... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

An Amish woman driver

An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her.
"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."
"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."
"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."
"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home."
True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector. He said he would put a new one on immediately.
"Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake...

Baptism

A man is stumbling through the Maine woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again---but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds. When he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?

"New Medications For Women"

S t M o m 's W o r t
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
E m p t y N e s t r o g e n
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
P e p t o b i m b o
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
D u m e r o l
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ causing enjoyment of country western music.
F l i p i t o l
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
A n t i b y o t i c s
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
M e n i c i l l i n
Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"
B u y a g r a
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
E x t r a S t r e n g t h B u y - O n e - a l l
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
J a c k A s s p i r i n
Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
A n t i - t a l k s i d e n t
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life with total strangers.
S e x c e d r i n
More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
R a g a m e t
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

Have you ever meet some of these guys!

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets", said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right" So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of months ago:
I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider"looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code she said to me "Do you know how much this is?"
"I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today".
She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.....

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries, it's a long walk".

Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister". I asked the manager what had happened.
He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
(This was the guy from an earlier e-mail who sued over the incident and WON!! What a country ...)

Camel?!!!

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Miriam: What's that?
Agnes: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Miriam: Where did you get it?
Agnes: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Miriam hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 90 years of age) but very delicately asks, "What brand do you prefer?"
"Doesn't matter sonny, as long as it fits a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.

The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

50° Fahrenheit (10° C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadians plant gardens.

35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)
Italian Cars won't start
Canadians drive with the windows down

32° Fahrenheit (0 ° C)
American water freezes
Canadian water gets thicker.

0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)
Mt.St. Helens freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-100° Fahrenheit (-73° C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians pull down their ear flaps.

-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)
Ethyl alcohol Freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

-460° Fahrenheit (-273° C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"

-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)
Hell freezes over.
The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup

Church Finances

There was a Baptist preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's pay. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "having children is an act of God!"
Silence fell on the congregation. In the back of the room, a little old man stood up and in his frail voice said ....
"snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers."
Remember that amateurs built the Ark.
Professionals built the Titanic

CUSTOMER SERVICE COMPLAINT

I wish I had the guts of this girl. For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. It's a classic!
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said
"I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,
"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I, AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone,
'May I have your attention please, " she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14
WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.
If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "**** You!".
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man,
"Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."

Enjoy Some of Andy Rooney's Wit

Monica turned 28 this week.
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees

On Prisoners:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner?
Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece I'll take a few prisoners into my house.
I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows.
I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away.
Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

On Morning Differences :
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you.
And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

On Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues?
Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know."
Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says Into Phone)
"I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.)
Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about.
"This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."

On Cripes:
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be; Jesus Cripe's?
The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it.
You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

On Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.'
You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you?
Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

On Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine?
"Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love." Beep.
"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."

On Research
Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections...who can't remember what to do with them.

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