February - Snowed
Another Blonde Joke!
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He
finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for
awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman
next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair -
giving that you are blind - that you should know five things: 1 - The bartender
is a blonde girl. 2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 120
kg blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4 - The woman sitting next to me
is blonde and is a professional weightlifter. 5 - The lady to your right is a
blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do
you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes
his head, and declares,
"Nah... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five
An Amish woman driver
An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when
a highway patrol officer stopped her.
"I'm not going to cite you," said the
officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your
buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."
"I thank thee," replied the
Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."
"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is
wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to
animals so you should have your husband check that too."
"Again I thank
thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home."
True to her
word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken
reflector. He said he would put a new one on immediately.
"Also," said the
Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency
A man is stumbling through the Maine woods totally
drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds
to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon
he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes,
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him
up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies,
"No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him
into the water again for a little longer this time. He pulls him out of the
water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again
answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his
wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again---but this time holds him down
for about 30 seconds. When he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?
"New Medications For Women"
S t M o m 's W o r t
that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to
E m p t y N e s t r o g e n
suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful
they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
e p t o b i m b o
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups
swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence,
and improves flirting.
D u m e r o l
When taken with Peptobimbo,
can cause dangerously low IQ causing enjoyment of country western music.
F l i p i t o l
Increases life expectancy of commuters by
controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
A n t i b
y o t i c s
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in
improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
M e n i c i l l i n
Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases
resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we
get naked now?"
B u y a g r a
Injectable stimulant taken prior
to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
E x t r a
S t r e n g t h B u y - O n e - a l l
When combined with Buyagra, can
cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home
with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
J a c k A s s p i r i
Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your
birthday, anniversary or phone number.
A n t i - t a l k s i d e n t
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to
share their life with total strangers.
S e x c e d r i n
effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache,"
R a g a m e t
When administered to a husband, provides
the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and
trouble of doing it herself.
Have you ever meet some of these guys!
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the
menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for
a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets", said the teenager
at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or
twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can
"That's right" So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple
of months ago:
I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few
items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked
up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it
between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned
all of my items, she picked up the "Divider"looking it all over for the bar
code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code she said to me "Do you
know how much this is?"
"I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think
I'll buy that today".
She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.....
A lady at work was seen
putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the
Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her
Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should
have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my
car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a
battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't
you drive over there and check about the batteries, it's a long
Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One
day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of
typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary
told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper,
put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the
garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing
generally looked like an extra in "Twister". I asked the manager what had
He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then
went in the back to make a sandwich.
(This was the guy from an earlier
e-mail who sued over the incident and WON!! What a country ...)
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home,
having a smoke, when it started to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a
condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Miriam: What's that?
Agnes: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get
Miriam: Where did you get it?
Agnes: You can get them at any
The next day, Miriam hobbles herself into the local drugstore
and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy,
obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over
90 years of age) but very delicately asks, "What brand do you prefer?"
"Doesn't matter sonny, as long as it fits a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart
50° Fahrenheit (10° C)
Canadians plant gardens.
Italian Cars won't start
Canadians drive with the windows
32° Fahrenheit (0 ° C)
American water freezes
Canadian water gets thicker.
0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the
last cookout of the season.
-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
-100° Fahrenheit (-73° C)
Santa Claus abandons the North
Canadians pull down their ear flaps.
Ethyl alcohol Freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they
can't thaw the keg.
-460° Fahrenheit (-273° C)
zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"
-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)
Hell freezes over.
Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup
There was a Baptist preacher whose wife was
expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever
the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children,
this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another
meeting to discuss the preacher's pay. There was much yelling and bickering
about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "having children is an
act of God!"
Silence fell on the congregation. In the back of the room, a
little old man stood up and in his frail voice said ....
"snow and rain are
also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers."
amateurs built the Ark.
Professionals built the Titanic
CUSTOMER SERVICE COMPLAINT
I wish I had the guts of this girl. For all of
you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.
It's a classic!
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in
Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with
a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded United
Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re booking a long line of
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the
desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said
"I HAVE to be on this
flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir.
I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and
I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was
unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,
"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I, AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled
and grabbed her public address microphone,
'May I have your attention
please, " she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have
a passenger here at Gate 14
WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.
If anyone can
help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind
him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted
his teeth and swore "**** You!".
Without flinching, she smiled and said,
"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in
the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the
"Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned
but didn't budge.
The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up
from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just
groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the
aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the
manager returned and stood over the man.
Together the two of them tried
repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the
police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy,
what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."
Enjoy Some of Andy Rooney's Wit
Monica turned 28 this week.
It seems like
only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a
year to house each prisoner?
Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece I'll
take a few prisoners into my house.
I live in Los Angeles. I already have
bars on the windows.
I don't think we should give free room and board to
criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill
and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the
chair that's hooked up to the generator.
On Fabric Softener:
wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed
women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and
Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We
can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your
On Morning Differences :
Men and women are different in the
morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake
up and we want you.
And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the
way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood
anywhere near our optic nerve.
You know those
shows where people call in and vote on different issues?
Did you ever
notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to
call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know."
Honey, I feel very
strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says Into Phone)
"I DON'T KNOW!"
(Hangs up looking proud.)
Sometimes you have to stand up for what you
believe you're not sure about.
"This guy probably calls up phone sex girls
for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."
My wife's from
the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like
'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be; Jesus Cripe's?
The son of
'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it.
You think I
wanna burn in 'Heck'?
My grandmother has a bumper
sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.'
You don't want to
think of your grandmother that way, do you?
Out entering wet shawl
contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your
On Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these
corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine?
"Hi, it's a great
day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the
day is: "Share the love." Beep.
"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic
calling....Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing
Because over the past few years, more money
has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's
Disease research, it is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large
number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections...who can't
remember what to do with them.