March - A new
season of Laughs!
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The
Officer says, clocked you at 80 mph. sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had
it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."
looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear,
you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes
out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep
your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should
be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes
out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at
his wife and says through clenched teeth," Dammit woman, can't you keep your
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not
wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on,but took it off when you pulled
me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
says," Now dear you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You
never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer
is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY
DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks,
"Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Oh heavens no,
officer. Only when he's been drinking."
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit
jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but
unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car The driver, a
sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what
has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver
feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the
highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out
of the car and asks the man what's wrong?
"I feel terrible," he explains,
"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't
worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the
limp, dead rabbit, bends down and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The
rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the
road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves
and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops off out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in
that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can
around so that the man can read the label.
It says.... (Are you ready for
Are you sure?
You know you could just click off and not read the
You know you're gonna be sorry.
here it is.!
It says, Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten
Commandments with her adult's class. After exploring the commandment to "honor
thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us
how to treat our spouses?"
Without missing a beat one older person
answered, "Thou shall not kill."
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He
forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of
aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his
clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Marty looks around the
room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of
the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table
breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning
newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Marty asks, "Son, what
happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M.,
drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave
yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the
table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the
bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said,
me alone, I'm married'!"
A dietitian was addressing a large audience in
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed
most of us sitting here, years ago. "Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your
stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous,
and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all
have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the
most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in
the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a
beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. Dressed up for work, she was
wearing a very tight mini skirt. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to
get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg
to come up to the height of the bus' first step.
So slightly embarrassed
and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped
her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her
Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still
could not make the step.
So, a little more embarrassed she once again
reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time
she attempted the step and once again, much to her disgust she could not raise
her leg because of the tight skirt.
So with a coy little smile to the
driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and
again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was
behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her
lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the
would-be hero, screeching at him ''How dare you touch my body!! I don't even
know who you are!! ''
At this the Texan drawled, ''Well ma'am, normally I
would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured
we was friends.''
Thought for the Day.
Men are like a fine wine.
They start out as
and it's up to us women to stomp the shit out of them until they
turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
A helping Hand
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in
the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the
door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help
him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 in the morning and it is pouring
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife, "can't you remember
about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?
think you should help him, and should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does
as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out
into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.
comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
Four men were out golfing and discussing how each
convinced their wife to let them play golf every morning.
1st guy: I had to
buy my wife a BMW to let me play golf daily.
2nd guy: You got off cheap! I
had to buy my wife a BMW and a mink coat.
3rd guy: You both got off dirt
cheap! I had to buy my wife the BMW, mink coat and a diamond necklace.
guy: Ha! I didn't have to buy my wife a single thing! Every morning when I wake
up, I lean over in bed, nudge my wife and ask, "Intercourse or golf course?"
She instantly replies, "Don't forget to take your sweater."
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of
all Brunettes charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in
The Brunette team rides on the bottom of the bus. The Blonde
team rides on the top level.
The Brunette team down below is whooping it up
having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from
the Blondes upstairs.
She decides to get up and investigate.
Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring
straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white
She says, "What the heck's going on up here?"
We're having a
great time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes from the second team looks up
"YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!"
RIP BILL GATES
When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where
Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds
and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the
amenities of Heaven. One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks,
when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.
"That is a nice
suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"
"Actually," the man
replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated
really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a
huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."
"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.
said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."
this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.
Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could
you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and
find suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating
system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!"
"Yes, we use Windows." replied
Peter, "The Titanic only crashed ONCE."
A man was having marital problems. So he went to
The shrink says, "When you get home, throw down your briefcase,
run to her, embrace her, take off her clothes, and yours, and make mad
passionate love to her."
In two weeks he was back in the shrink's office.
The shrink asked "How did it go?"
He said, "She didn't have anything to
say, but her bridge club got a kick out of it."
My good friend Harry visited me in the hospital. I
was wired like a cheap stereo with fluids going into various veins.
asked, "What happened dude?"
I responded, "The other day I was walking by
this convention center and I heard a crude remark made towards me. I told them
to blow me. Little did I know it was the international nymphomaniacs
Six days later the police found me in the gutter. I had lost 30
pounds and later at the hospital it took 12 hours of surgery to get the smile
off my face."