April - Its Raining
Here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
Diets & Dying 1a) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.
1b) The French eat a lot of
fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.
2b) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine
and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what
you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on
the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was
blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As
the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself
and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the
situation hit him.
"What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it
and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's
Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an
excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was
afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a
romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some
When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says
again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well, put them
here between my thighs and warm them up."
He does, and again that warms him
up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them
through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really,
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't
your ears ever get cold?"
Recommended in all the latest psychological
texts.Tried it today and it really works...
1. Picture yourself near a
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the
hectic place called "the world."
5. The soothing sound of a gentle
waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding
Cat and Mouse
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at
the gate and says, "You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you
desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."
"A nice fluffy pillow would be
fine" replies the cat.
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy
pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and
they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made
The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased
by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of
roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."
God says, 'Say no more.'
And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is
doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and
asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"
The cat yawns and stretches
and says... "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels
you've been sending over are the best."
When the husband finally died his wife put the
usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner
were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and
complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I
know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to
remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always
On the first day of their honeymoon, the blonde
bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation,
crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down
on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love
to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent."
Almost in tears, she remarked,
"Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend it
to and for how long?"
God grant me the senility to forget the people I
never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the
eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up),
here's what I've discovered:
I. started out with nothing, and I still have
most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I
don't remember being absent minded...
4. Funny, I don't remember being
5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than
it is to get wiser.
8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone
decide to play chess?
16. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . I go
somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
19. I AM
UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT!
20. Funny, I don't
remember being, . . . absent minded...
You may have heard that the Canadian government
has decided to assist the USA in the war against terrorism. They have agreed to
6000 ground troops
2 of their largest battle ships
After the exchange rate, the USA will receive:
canoe and bunch of flying squirrels.
Jean Chretien and his chauffeur were rolling down
the highway when suddenly they hit a pig crossing the road. They killed it
Jean tells his driver:"Go to da farm over dere and hexplain to
da honer of da pig what happend. One hour later, Jean sees his driver coming
back from the farm, his clothes all wrinkled, a bottle of wine in one hand and
a cigar in the other.
"What happen to you?" Jean asks.
farmer gave me a bottle of wine, his wife, the cigar and she made passionate
love to me."
"My God! What did you tell dem?" asked Chretien.
driver answered: " Good evening, I am Jean Chretien's chauffeur and I have just
killed the pig."
TV Guide Iraq
8:00 - My 33 Sons
8:30 - Saddam
9:00 - I Dream of Mohammed
9:30 - Let's Mecca Deal
- The Kabul Hillbillies
8:00 - Husseinfeld
9:00 - Mad
9:30 - Monday Night Stoning
10:00 - Win Saddam's Money
10:30 - Allah McBeal
8:00 - Wheel of Terror
The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's right
9:00 - Children are Forbidden
from Saying the Darndest Things
9:30 - Saddam's Wackiest Public Execution
10:00 - Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
8:00 - Beat the Press
8:30 - When Kurds Attack
9:00 - Two Guys, a
Girl, and Pita Bread
9:30 - Just Shoot Everyone
10:00 - Veilwatch
8:00 - Fatima Loves Chachi
8:30 - M*U*S*T*A*S*H
9:00 - Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils
9:30 - Married with 139 Children
10:00 - Eye for an Eye Witness News
8:00 - Judge Saddam
8:30 - Suddenly Sanctions
Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist Millionaire?
9:30 - Cave and Garden
10:00 - No-Witness News
8:00 - Spongebob
8:30 - Who's Koran Is It Anyway?
9:00 - Teletalibans
9:30 - Camel 54, Where Are You?
So the illustrious leader asks the class for an
example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best
friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and
runs him over, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says Bush, "that would be an
A little girl raises her hand : "If a school bus carrying 50
children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a
"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would
call a GREAT LOSS."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.
President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an
example of a tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy
raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr.
& Mrs. Bush, were struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, by a
terrorist like Osama bin Laden, that would be a tragedy."
exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it
certainly wouldn't be a great loss."