April - Its Raining Jokes!

Health

Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
Diets & Dying 1a) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
1b) The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
2a) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
2b) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
3a) The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

BMW

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Cold Hands

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood.
When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up."
He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

Stress Management

Recommended in all the latest psychological texts.Tried it today and it really works...
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world."
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater

Cat and Mouse

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."
"A nice fluffy pillow would be fine" replies the cat.
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."
God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"
The cat yawns and stretches and says... "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best."

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."

Blonde Honeymoon

On the first day of their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent."
Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to and for how long?"

Life's Truth

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
I. started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
16. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
19. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT!
20. Funny, I don't remember being, . . . absent minded...

Canadian government

You may have heard that the Canadian government has decided to assist the USA in the war against terrorism. They have agreed to send:
6000 ground troops
2 of their largest battle ships
6 fighter jets.
After the exchange rate, the USA will receive:
2 Mounties
1 canoe and bunch of flying squirrels.

Jean Chretien

Jean Chretien and his chauffeur were rolling down the highway when suddenly they hit a pig crossing the road. They killed it instantly.
Jean tells his driver:"Go to da farm over dere and hexplain to da honer of da pig what happend. One hour later, Jean sees his driver coming back from the farm, his clothes all wrinkled, a bottle of wine in one hand and a cigar in the other.
"What happen to you?" Jean asks.
"Well, the farmer gave me a bottle of wine, his wife, the cigar and she made passionate love to me."
"My God! What did you tell dem?" asked Chretien.
"The driver answered: " Good evening, I am Jean Chretien's chauffeur and I have just killed the pig."

TV Guide Iraq

SUNDAY
8:00 - My 33 Sons
8:30 - Saddam Knows Best
9:00 - I Dream of Mohammed
9:30 - Let's Mecca Deal
10:00 - The Kabul Hillbillies

MONDAY
8:00 - Husseinfeld
9:00 - Mad About Everything
9:30 - Monday Night Stoning
10:00 - Win Saddam's Money
10:30 - Allah McBeal

TUESDAY
8:00 - Wheel of Terror
8:30 - The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's right
9:00 - Children are Forbidden from Saying the Darndest Things
9:30 - Saddam's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
10:00 - Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer

WEDNESDAY
8:00 - Beat the Press
8:30 - When Kurds Attack
9:00 - Two Guys, a Girl, and Pita Bread
9:30 - Just Shoot Everyone
10:00 - Veilwatch

THURSDAY
8:00 - Fatima Loves Chachi
8:30 - M*U*S*T*A*S*H
9:00 - Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils
9:30 - Married with 139 Children
10:00 - Eye for an Eye Witness News

FRIDAY
8:00 - Judge Saddam
8:30 - Suddenly Sanctions
9:00 - Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist Millionaire?
9:30 - Cave and Garden Television
10:00 - No-Witness News

SATURDAY
8:00 - Spongebob Squareturban
8:30 - Who's Koran Is It Anyway?
9:00 - Teletalibans
9:30 - Camel 54, Where Are You?

George Bush

So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says Bush, "that would be an ACCIDENT."
A little girl raises her hand : "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Bush, were struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, by a terrorist like Osama bin Laden, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic," exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a TRAGEDY?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."

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