May - Jokes to Warm
Breaking News! Saddam Captured Intelligence
reported that Saddam was suspected to be hiding in a field of long scrub grass
on the outskirts of Basra. British Marines used their own 'intelligence' --
they sprayed the field with viagra -- and the dick stood up...
Strange But True
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex
with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a
male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)
Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is
prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only
see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they ... Never mind!)
banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. this also applies to
undertakers. The organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece
of wood at all times. (A brick?!?)
The penalty for masturbation in
Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than "going blind" ...)
are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower
young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first
time... Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute ... okay, that's enough)
In Hong Kong, a
betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only
do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be
killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)
Topless saleswomen are
legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband,
and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the
act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is
illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with
one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in
places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is
this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)
Banging your head
against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who volunteers for this stuff?)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
The strongest muscle in the
body is the tongue. (Hmm...I won't touch THAT one!)
The ant can lift 50
times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight, and always falls over
on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...? How
did the govt. pay for this research??)
Butterflies taste with their
feet. (Ah, geez)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know
some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people
like that, too)
And, the best for last..... Turtles can breathe
through their butts. Strange world!
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out
golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the
green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears,
"Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts
the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky
frog, eh? The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the
frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit
3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is
befuddled and doesn't know, what to say.
By the end of the day, the man
golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas. They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK
frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the
roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog
replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win,
but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes
sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best
room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to
repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the
frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my
room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
REAL WOMEN VS. MARTHA STEWART
Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow
into the bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Women's way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's
sake, you are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up eating it
Martha's way #2: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple
in the bag with the potatoes.
The real Women's way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed
potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha's way #3:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake
mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The real Women's way: Go to the bakery, they'll even decorate it for
Martha's way #4: If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's
still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for
an instant "fix me up".
The real Women's way: If you oversalt a dish while
it's cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite The Real Women's motto: I made
it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
Way #5: Wrap celery in aluminium foil before putting it in the refrigerator and
it will keep for weeks.
The real Women's way: Celery? never heard of the
Martha's way #6: Brush some beaten egg whites over the pie crust
before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
The Real Women's way: The
Mrs. Smith's frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the
crust so I just don't do it.
Martha's Way #7: Cure for headaches: Take
a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Women's way: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, etc., add ice and
drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?
#8: If you have trouble opening jars, try using latex gloves. They provide a
non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The real Women's way: Go next
door to the neighbor's and ask the hot 20-year-old son to open it for you.
And finally, the most important tip... Martha's Way #9: Don't throw
away all that leftover wine. Freeze it into ice cubes for use in casseroles and
The Real Women's Way: Leftover wine???????????????????????
A SINGLES AD FOUND IN THE CLASSIFIEDS:
"SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship,
ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love
long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and
fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will
have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond.
I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature
gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy".
15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an
8-week-old Labrador Retriever.
Men are so easy.
BLONDE COOKBOOK AND DIARY
MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made
angel food cake. The recipe said; Beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were
nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY: Bob wanted fruit salad
for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a
surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY: A good day
for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed
kinda silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said
prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.
Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in
bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I
got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY: Bob did the
shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to Dress it for Sunday
(oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY: Bob's folks
came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger.
Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the Hamburger in the oven and set the
controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY: This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for
tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a
Bigger oven,I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.
Little Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass by the
school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw
Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so
exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell
"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into
the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big
kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take
his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"
At this point Mommy cut him off and
said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of
it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny started his story about the car going into the woods, the undressing,
Aunt Jane laying down on the back seat.
Then Aunt Jane and Daddy started
doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the
Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you
Number One Idiot of 2002
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation
in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very
upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured
her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her
daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation
happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order
to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the
emergency room right away. Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
Number Two Idiots of 2002 Early this year, some Boeing employees on the
airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were
successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it
for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards
them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed
at Boeing. Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
Number Three Idiot of 2002 A true story out of San Francisco: A man,
wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote . .
. " This is a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line,
waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen
him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's
window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo
teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the
brightest light in the harbor . . . told him that she could not accept his
stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that
he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip, or go back to Bank
of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, " OK "and left. He was
arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of
America. Don't bother with this guy's sign . He probably couldn't read it
Number four Idiot of 2002 A motorist was unknowingly caught in
an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed
his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several
days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture
. . . this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40. Another sign (
though this guy might be onto something worth thinking about ! )
Five Idiot of 2002 A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and
demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash
in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter
on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier
refused and said . . . " I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he
was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe
him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and
gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in
fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the
store with loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and
address of the robber that she got off the license. They arrested the robber
two hours later. This guy definitely needs a sign !
Idiot Number Six of
2002 A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers. The first one shouted . . . " Nobody move!" When his partner moved .
. . the startled first bandit shot him. This guy doesn't need a sign, he
probably figured it out himself.
Idiot Number Seven of 2002 Arkansas:
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a
cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he
lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder
block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him
unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The
whole event was caught on videotape ( The store window is made of Lexan by GE).
Oh, that smarts . Give him his sign.
Idiot Number Eight of 2002 Ann
Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger
King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A.M., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The
clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register
without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they
weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. Sign please.
Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote.
Momma aways told me...
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL
DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come
out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't
straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother
taught me MORE LOGIC. 'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your
mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught
me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
mother taught! me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once,
I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me
the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less
fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop
crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother
taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother
taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me
about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll
25. And my favorite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One
day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
You Can Never Outsmart a Woman
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I
have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and
several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity
for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me
enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from
the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack
my new blue silk pajamas.
His wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but
being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.
weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife
welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, "Yes! Lot's of
Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue
silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replies "I did, they were in
your tackle box."
You Can Never Outsmart A Woman
A tongue-tied problem
A tongue-tied man goes into a nut shop, and the
first thing he notices is that the guy behind the counter has the largest nose
he's ever seen. The tongue-tied guy quickly turns his attention to the
merchandise and asks, "Ess-tues me, sir?"
"Yes?" replies the clerk.
"Tould you tale me how mutsh your pisstasheos arr?"
They're six dollars a pound."
"SSit!" The tongue-tied guy goes back to
browsing and then asks, "Welp, how mutsh arr your aahhmons?"
They're seven fifty a pound."
"SSIT! tas pensive," replies the tongue-tied
man. "Welp, how bout your pikanns?"
"Pecans? They're on sale today, they're
only four fifty a pound."
"Welp, Ssit. Just div me a pound of dose dhen."
"All right then," says the clerk as he begins bagging up a pound of pecans.
Then the tongue-tied guy says to the clerk, "Sirr, I just wanna tay tank you fo
not making fun of de way I talk, cauz I tan't hep it."
The clerk replies
with a smile. "Oh sir, you don't have to thank me for that. I don't make fun of
anybody. I don't know if you noticed but I have a rather large nose."
tongue-tied guy replies, "Oh, is dat your noze? I tought dat wuz your dick
since your nuts are so high."
Yet another blonde joke!
A blonde came running up to her husband in the
driveway as he came home from work just jumping for joy. He didn't know why she
was jumping for joy but thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and down
When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"
He said, "Great, tell me what you're so happy about!"
jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she
told him that she was pregnant!
He was ecstatic! They had been trying for
awhile. He kissed her and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"
Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more!"
He asked, "What do you mean,
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant,
he asked her how she knew.
She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went
to Wal-Mart and bought the twin pack home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests
came out positive!"