Humor Fest

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.
" "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

There's a blonde driving down the highway in her pickup-truck. She looks out the window and sees another blonde in the middle of a field just sitting in a boat trying to row it.
She stops and yells over to her, "You know it's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name, and if I could swim I'd come over there and kick your butt."

John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.
"Would you like a new mink coat?" he asks.
"Not really," says Mary.
"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John.
"No," she responds.
"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."
"Well what would you like for your anniversary?" John asks.
"John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary.
"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," says John.

Martha Stewart's Tips:

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books.
Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected.)

If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works.
She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road.
The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of two miles per day to remain employed.
The blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away.
The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde had completed four miles on her first day, double the average!
"Great," he told her, "I think you're really going to work out."
The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished two miles.
The supervisor thought, "Well she's still at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet."
The third day however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse."
The boss pulled the new employee in and said, "You were doing so great. The first day you did four miles, the second day two miles, but yesterday you only did one mile.
Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the two-mile minimum?"
The blonde replied "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the bucket."

An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash.
They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising.
When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi.
As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home was located on. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"
St. Peter replied, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the World laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied, with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part – you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick.
This is Heaven."
With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly.
St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

A Single Woman's Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep.
Please don't send me no more creeps.
Please just send me one good man.
One without a wedding band.

One good man who's sweet as pie.
Who brushed his teeth and doesn't lie.
Who dresses neat and doesn't smell.
And is sexy like my man Denzel.
Is super-rich like Michael J.
On second thought, that's okay.

Man, if I should die before I wake,
that would truly take the cake;
No matrimony or honeymoon.
No fancy reception planned for June.
No throwing of the wedding bouquet.
Please, God, don't let me go out that way.

If I die before I meet Mr. Right
I won't go out without a fight.
But then again with my luck,
He'd probably be just some schmuck.

The single life is not that bad
I know it's just a passing fad.
I won't be blue. I will not frown.
Besides, I like my toilet seat down.
No more makeup, won't comb my hair.
So never mind this stupid prayer.

Justice Ruth Ginsberg had been on the court for a while when a friend invited her on a fishing trip.
They got to the lake and he suggested they rent a rowboat.
"No, lets just use our wading boots and cast from the shore," she said.
He continued arguing for a while on the merits of both having a day in the rowboat together.
Finally, she answered emphatically,
"No, I'm going to use my wading boots, and I don't want to hear a single word more about it."
"Why so emotional about a rowboat?" her friend asked.
Justice Ginsberg said: ...
"I think its long past the time to put the Rowe vs. Wade argument behind us!"

Genie

A Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet.
He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.
"This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.
"I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!"
He gets his Pepsi and drinks it.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.
"I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside."
Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.
He tells the genie his third and last wish:
"I wish I'd never have to work ever again."

POOF!

He's back in his government office.

Will the 2000 model Volkswagen New Beetle be known as the Y2K Bug?

Burglarize: What a crook sees with.

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer looked at the guy's photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him.

"Yes, please" she replied. "Tell him my mother didn't come over after all."

Voice on telephone to man seated at his computer:

Thank you for calling the tech support hotline. If your computer becomes obsolete while you're holding, press 1 to reach our sales department.

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor."

A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence. "Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked.
"I reckon so," replied the farmer.
The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface. As his head broke the surface the man said to the farmer, "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!"
"Well, shoot!" said the farmer, scratching his head.
"It only come up chest-high on my ducks!"

My wife and I were watching some TV show the other nite where the wife hired a private detective to follow her husband to see if he were in fact "cheating" on her. I asked my wife if she would ever do that.
She said, "Well not so much to find out who the other woman was, but to see if I could find out what she saw in you."

When a young professor at a woman's college was asked to teach the sex education class, he fibbed and told his wife that the new course on his schedule was sailing.
"Sailing?" she snorted.
"What the hell do you know about sailing?"
"It's okay" he assured her. "I've read up on it and I'm ready."

On the first day of the semester, the professor's wife stopped by the college just as the sex education class was being let out.
"Oh, your husband is just wonderful in this course!" exclaimed one exuberant student.
"Well, I don't understand how he could be" the bewildered wife muttered.
"He's only tried it twice. The first time he got sick and the second time he lost his hat."

A 92 year old man went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
At his follow up visit, the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'."
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

Two ladies were hanging out together and one was depressed.
"What's wrong?"
The depressed one replied, "I've been married four times and every one of my husbands has passed away."
The other lady asked, "What did they used to do?"
The depressed lady replied, "Well, my first husband was a millionaire, the second was a magician, the third was an evangelist, and the fourth was a mortician."
And the other said, "Oh, I see, one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

Some new billboards are popping up all along major highways all over the country depicting some things God might say. The billboards are a simple black background with white text with no fine print or sponsoring organization listed. Here's a list of all variations of the "God Speaks" billboards.
Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game. -God
C'mon over and bring the kids. -God
What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand? -God
We need to talk. -God
Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. -God
Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage. -God
That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it. -God
I love you and you and you and you and... -God
Will the road you're on get you to my place? -God
Follow me. -God
Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding. -God
My way is the highway. -God
Need directions? -God
You think it's hot here? -God
Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test. -God
Do you have any idea where you're going? -God
(And my personal favorite...) Don't make me come down there. -God

Did you hear about the two blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater? They went to see "Closed for Winter."

Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.
They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman.
As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she would say as she stroked the officers arm is "Your Passionate."
They drove awhile longer and asked again, but again the same response as she stroked his arm, "Your Passionate."
The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, Look we have driven around this City for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live.
She replied I keep trying to tell you: "Your Passin It!"

Kleptomaniac

A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.
"What did you take?" his priest asked.
"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."
"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"
"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

--(brace yourself)








--(this is going to hurt)








--(really bad)







--(ready?)







"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

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