The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do
all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination
was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what
is wrong with me.
" "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can
tell my wife."
There's a blonde driving down the highway in her
pickup-truck. She looks out the window and sees another blonde in the middle of
a field just sitting in a boat trying to row it.
She stops and yells over
to her, "You know it's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name,
and if I could swim I'd come over there and kick your butt."
John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to
celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.
"Would you like a new mink coat?"
"Not really," says Mary.
"Well how about a new Mercedes
sports car?" says John.
"No," she responds.
"What about a new vacation
home in the country?" he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a "No
"Well what would you like for your anniversary?" John asks.
"John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary.
"Sorry, I wasn't planning to
spend that much," says John.
Martha Stewart's Tips:
Old telephone books make ideal personal address
Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
Fool other drivers into thinking you have an
expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear
and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid
tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12
pounds in only 2 days.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield
wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked
No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape
and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
Apply red nail polish to your nails before
clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom
carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish
should be selected.)
If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't
panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The
blockage is almost instantly removed.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of
whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by
drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly
on the wall.
A blonde who had been unemployed for several
months got a job with Public Works.
She was to paint lines down the center
of a rural road.
The supervisor told her that she was on probation and
that she must stay at or above the set average of two miles per day to remain
The blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away.
The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde had
completed four miles on her first day, double the average!
"Great," he told
her, "I think you're really going to work out."
The next day, however, he
was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished two miles.
supervisor thought, "Well she's still at the average and I don't want to
discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet."
The third day however the blonde
only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets
The boss pulled the new employee in and said, "You were doing
so great. The first day you did four miles, the second day two miles, but
yesterday you only did one mile.
Why? Is there a problem? An injury,
equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the two-mile minimum?"
The blonde replied "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from
An 85-year-old couple, after being married for
almost 60 years, died in a car crash.
They had been in good health the last
ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising.
they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was
decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi.
they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to
"It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the
home was located on. They would have golfing privileges every day and each
week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on
The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"
St. Peter replied,
"This is heaven, you play for free."
Next, they went to the club house and
saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the World laid out.
much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is
heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied, with some exasperation.
where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked
St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part you can eat as
much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get
This is Heaven."
With that, the old man went into a fit of
anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't
for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
A Single Woman's Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep.
Please don't send
me no more creeps.
Please just send me one good man.
One without a
One good man who's sweet as pie.
his teeth and doesn't lie.
Who dresses neat and doesn't smell.
sexy like my man Denzel.
Is super-rich like Michael J.
thought, that's okay.
Man, if I should die before I wake,
would truly take the cake;
No matrimony or honeymoon.
reception planned for June.
No throwing of the wedding bouquet.
Please, God, don't let me go out that way.
If I die before I meet Mr. Right
I won't go
out without a fight.
But then again with my luck,
He'd probably be
just some schmuck.
The single life is not that bad
I know it's
just a passing fad.
I won't be blue. I will not frown.
Besides, I like
my toilet seat down.
No more makeup, won't comb my hair.
mind this stupid prayer.
Justice Ruth Ginsberg had been on the court for a
while when a friend invited her on a fishing trip.
They got to the lake
and he suggested they rent a rowboat.
"No, lets just use our wading boots
and cast from the shore," she said.
He continued arguing for a while on
the merits of both having a day in the rowboat together.
"No, I'm going to use my wading boots, and I don't
want to hear a single word more about it."
"Why so emotional about a
rowboat?" her friend asked.
Justice Ginsberg said: ...
"I think its
long past the time to put the Rowe vs. Wade argument behind us!"
A Government Employee sits in his office and out
of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet.
through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.
"This will look
nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him.
polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.
for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!"
He gets his Pepsi and drinks
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.
wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside."
is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.
He tells the
genie his third and last wish:
"I wish I'd never have to work ever
He's back in his government office.
Will the 2000 model Volkswagen New Beetle be known
as the Y2K Bug?
Burglarize: What a crook sees with.
A woman reported the disappearance of her husband
to the police. The officer looked at the guy's photograph, questioned her, and
then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him.
"Yes, please" she replied. "Tell him my mother
didn't come over after all."
Voice on telephone to man seated at his computer:
Thank you for calling the tech support hotline. If
your computer becomes obsolete while you're holding, press 1 to reach our sales
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had
been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
"I have good
news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman
enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after
your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
was your doctor."
A man traveling down a country road was forced to
stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the
road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence. "Think it's safe to cross?"
the man asked.
"I reckon so," replied the farmer.
The car was
immediately swallowed by the puddle as the man drove in. In fact, it was so
deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the
surface. As his head broke the surface the man said to the farmer, "I thought
you said I could safely drive through this puddle!"
"Well, shoot!" said
the farmer, scratching his head.
"It only come up chest-high on my ducks!"
My wife and I were watching some TV show the other
nite where the wife hired a private detective to follow her husband to see if
he were in fact "cheating" on her. I asked my wife if she would ever do that.
She said, "Well not so much to find out who the other woman was, but to
see if I could find out what she saw in you."
When a young professor at a woman's college was
asked to teach the sex education class, he fibbed and told his wife that the
new course on his schedule was sailing.
"Sailing?" she snorted.
the hell do you know about sailing?"
"It's okay" he assured her. "I've read
up on it and I'm ready."
On the first day of the semester, the professor's
wife stopped by the college just as the sex education class was being let out.
"Oh, your husband is just wonderful in this course!" exclaimed one
"Well, I don't understand how he could be" the
bewildered wife muttered.
"He's only tried it twice. The first time he got
sick and the second time he lost his hat."
A 92 year old man went to the doctor to get a
A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street
with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
At his follow up visit, the doctor
talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor: 'Get a hot mamma and be
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart
murmur. Be careful."
Two ladies were hanging out together and one was
The depressed one replied, "I've been
married four times and every one of my husbands has passed away."
lady asked, "What did they used to do?"
The depressed lady replied, "Well,
my first husband was a millionaire, the second was a magician, the third was an
evangelist, and the fourth was a mortician."
And the other said, "Oh, I
see, one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
Some new billboards are popping up all along
major highways all over the country depicting some things God might say. The
billboards are a simple black background with white text with no fine print or
sponsoring organization listed. Here's a list of all variations of the "God
Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game. -God
C'mon over and bring the kids. -God
What part of "Thou Shalt Not..."
didn't you understand? -God
We need to talk. -God
Keep using my name
in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. -God
Loved the wedding, invite me to
the marriage. -God
That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it. -God
I love you and you and you and you and... -God
Will the road you're on get
you to my place? -God
Follow me. -God
Big bang theory, you've got to
be kidding. -God
My way is the highway. -God
You think it's hot here? -God
Have you read my #1 best seller?
There will be a test. -God
Do you have any idea where you're going? -God
(And my personal favorite...) Don't make me come down there. -God
Did you hear about the two blondes that were found
frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater? They went to see
"Closed for Winter."
Two police officers saw this old woman staggering
down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink
and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.
loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with
the drunk woman.
As they drove through the streets they kept asking the
woman where she lived, all she would say as she stroked the officers arm is
They drove awhile longer and asked again, but again the
same response as she stroked his arm, "Your Passionate."
The officers were
getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, Look we
have driven around this City for two hours and you still haven't told us where
She replied I keep trying to tell you: "Your Passin It!"
A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any
longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing
building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.
"What did you
take?" his priest asked.
"Enough to build my own house and enough for my
son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."
"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a
far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"
"No, Father, I
haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with
stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime,
breaking in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was
captured only two blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas.
asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error,
--(this is going to hurt)
"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."