July - Hot
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours
and gets horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted
after being diagnosed with second degree burns. He was already starting to
blister and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with
saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours,
The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?"
doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."
A young man was sitting in class when the
professor asked a student if he knew what the Roe vs. Wade decision was. He sat
quietly, pondering this very profound question. Finally, after giving it a lot
of thought, he sighed and said, "I think this was the decision George
Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware."
A husband read an
article to his wife about how many words women use a day ... 30,000 to a man's
15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because a woman has to say
everything twice. The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid
and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to
explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me
stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
I have found inner peace;
here's how you can, too. I read an article that said the way to achieve inner
peace is to finish everything you start. Today I finished two bags of potato
chips, a chocolate pie, a bottle of wine and a small box of chocolate candy. I
feel better already.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans. On the other hand, the French eat
a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also
suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. Conclusion: Eat
&drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.
only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
A man was
telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four
thousand dollars, but it's state of the art." "Really," answered the neighbor,
"what kind is it?" "Twelve thirty ."
A couple drove down a country road
for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an
argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a
barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of
yours?" "Yep," the husband replied,"in-laws."
Some Great Truths About Life:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . . mostly
sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that
held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't
believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa
A mother and her son were flying Southwest
Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the
window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big
cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
(who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have
baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded,
"Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "yes she did".
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because
Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."
The Rules of Life
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make
sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it
comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two
kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who
said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
Health is merely the slowest possible
rate at which one can die.
Get the last word in:
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that
person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still
can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us
could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed
to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very
close resemblance to the first.
An old Cherokee Chief sat in his hut on the
reservation, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the U.S. government officials
sent to interview him.
"Chief," one official began, "you have observed the
white man for 90 years. You have observed his wars and his material wealth. You
have seen his progress and the damage he has done..."
The Chief nodded that
it was so.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your
opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the
government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied: "When white
man found the land, Indians were running it with no taxes, no debt, plenty
buffalo, plenty beaver. Women did all the work, medicine man free. Indian man
spend all day hunting and fishing, all night making love to the women."
Chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve
system like that....
Did you hear about the blonde who.....
Took her new scarf back to the store because it
was too tight.
Blood Curdling Screams
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the
bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the
bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud screams reverberates through
the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is
"What's all the screaming about in here? Your scaring the
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to
flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says "You idiot!" You're
sitting on the mop bucket!"
HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
The sun is shining, the day
is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying
about a stupid burned out bulb?
Just one. And then I'll
replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Border Collie do it. I'll check his work when I'm finished building my website.
You know I can't reach that damned lamp!
Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light
bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Let the Border
Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Feed me first,
before the Malamute eats it all.
Jack Russell Terrier:
I'll just pop it
in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes
rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Who cares? I can
still play with my squeaky toys in the dark......
NOT afraid of the dark.
Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover.....
I see it, there it is, there it is, right there....
It isn't moving. Who cares?
First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle....
Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?
Dogs do not change light bulbs. People
change light bulbs.
So the question is: How long will it be before I
can expect light?
When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of
his rig, he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed
down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and
discharged a crew of workers.
The men picked up each broken piece of the
former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they
began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the
entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.
truck driver said to the crew chief.
"What was the white stuff you used to
get all the pieces together?"
The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate
booth paste ."
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she
hollers out...."Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
"There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is,
now git out there and fix it." So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks
around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my
head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see
what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around
and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his
head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the
cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it?!"