August - Summer
Words of Somewhat Suspect Wisdom
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his
That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away-and barefoot.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier
to get forgiveness than permission.
Age is a very high price to pay for
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
If you look like your
passport picture-you probably need the trip.
Always yield to
temptation-because it may not pass your way again.
Bills travel through
the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when
all your other parts feel so good.
Eat well-stay fit-die
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
balanced diet is a (chocolate) cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when
broadness of mind and narrowness of hips change places.
always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you throw away
three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than
you counted on.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
Thou shalt not weigh more than
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast
to the real world.
I believe the only time the world beats a path to my
door is when I'm in the bathroom.
Blessed are they who can laugh at
themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and
Secola Antonio, who lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same
year Timothy was born in Ireland, Secola was born in Italy. Faithfully they
attended parochial school from kindergarten through senior year in high school.
They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and, upon
graduation became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it
was generally acknowledged that Secola was just a cut above Timothy in all
Their rise through the ranks of bishop, archbishop and
finally to cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew
that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become
the next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the college of Cardinals
went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the
chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.
Catholic, Protestant and secular, were surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy
had been elected Pope!
Secola Antonio was beyond surprise. He was
devastated, because he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the
Cardinals, Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly
asked, "Why Timothy?"
After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity
on the bewildered man and rose to reply.
"We knew you were the better of
the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman
Catholic Church being called "Pope Secola."
Governments and diapers should be changed
regularly -- and for the same reason.
1) A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's
going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,
lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I
noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
2) At the beginning of my shift I placed a
stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest
wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
3) One day I had to be
the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a
massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal
Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
4) I was performing a
complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient
twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He
read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now
both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large letter
on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had
asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too
hard to finish the exam.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
5) During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one
of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put
on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I
had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes the man
had over fifty patches on his body! Since this incident, the instructions now
include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Dr. Rebecca St.
Clair, Norfolk, VA
6) While acquainting myself with a new elderly
patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete
confusion she answered "Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was
Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
7) I was caring for a
woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's
very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the
taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman
produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit,
8) And Finally . . . . .. A new, young MD when doing his residency
in OB, was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his
embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The
middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out
laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly
said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?!" She replied, "No doctor, but the song
you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This
is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the
Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story
Dear Sir, I am writing in response to your request for additional
information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as
the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the
following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the
day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story
building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over
which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather
than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using
a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out
and loaded the bricks into it.
Then I went down and untied the rope,
holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in
Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at
being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot
to let go of the rope. Needless to say,I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side
of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which
was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the
fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in
section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my
rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles
deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence
of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to
experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks
hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight
of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to
As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of
the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.
This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several
lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly.
The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my
injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three
vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the
pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence
of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin
its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
this answers your inquiry.
A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were
hard, he had decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. While at
the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit,
they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived
sixty miles away from one another and so they agreed to drive thirty miles and
find a field in which to mate their pigs.
The first morning, the farmer
with the female pigs got up at 5 AM, loaded the pigs into the family station
wagon, which was the only vehicle they had, and drove the thirty miles. While
the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are
pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing in the
morning, then they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, then they're not." The
next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them
again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again.
continued each morning the following week until one morning the farmer was so
tired that he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please
look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them
is honking the horn."
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy
session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have
obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are
obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy".
He turned to
the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself
in your child's name, Penny"..
He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your
obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy"..
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by
the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."
A lady goes into the local sporting goods store to
buy a fishing rod to give to her husband for his birthday. A salesman wearing
dark glasses with a dog is behind the counter and asks, "Can I help you ma'am?"
"Well, I'd like to buy a fishing rod, can you tell me about this one?" she
The salesman replies, "I'm sorry ma'am but I am blind and can not
see the rod you're referring to. However, if you'll drop it on the counter I'll
tell you all about it as I can tell from the sound it makes."
picks up the rod, and does what he says and drops it on the counter.
belts, "That's a Zebco 2500, fiberglass,6.5'medium action - $15."
says, "Wow!" She finds another and does the same.
"That's an Orion 35C,
graphite, 6', and light action - best used with ultra light tackle - $20."
Very impressed, the lady decides to buy the second one. As the man is ringing
up the sale, the lady makes a rather large noise as she passes gas but feels no
need to apologize as the salesman is blind and has no idea who she is.
Salesman says, "That'll be $25."
"25.00? YOU SAID $20?"
right ma'am, $20 for the rod, $3 for the duck call, and $2 for the fish bait."
All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said
the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate
oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in
charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever
it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow
the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum,
"Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts
laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all
decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The asshole is usually in charge.
Thought for today
There is more money being spent on breast
implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2020,
there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections
and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Q: What's the difference between a nine-month
pregnant woman and a super-model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's
husband knows what's good for him).
Funnies for the ladies
Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband
rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.
Q. Why do
little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.
many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it
up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. Or, Three - one to
screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q. Why does
it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will
stop and ask directions.
Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill
their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is
the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy
her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
the mail folder to "instruction manuals"