September - Jokes
to teach You!
When I picked up the pot, I could not help
noticing that the brew was as black as asphalt and just about as thick.
"How old is the coffee you have here?" I asked the woman who was standing
behind the store counter.
She shrugged. "Don't know. Been workin' here only
Phrases You Never Want To Hear In News Reports About Yourself
... pilot error ...
... reported hearing
demonic voices ...
... history of mental problems ...
... as co-workers
scrambled for cover ...
... a grim-faced spokesman said ...
skeletal remains ...
... gruesome discovery ...
... charred remains ...
... identified by dental records ...
... horrified onlookers ...
... hail of bullets ...
... plea to the abductors ...
rescuers watched helplessly ...
... three times the legal blood alcohol
It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline
in the Northwest. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man
seated next to the window.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
no," she replied.
Father to his six-year-old-son: "Words are very
important. When you talk to our neighbors, just say your aunt likes to crochet.
Don't call her the happy hooker!"
There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in
a zoo and was getting on in age so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she
could spend her final years in bliss on a farm. The zebra was so excited, she
got to see this huge space with green grass and hills and trees and all these
strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it
all excited, "hi, I'm a zebra! What are you?"
"I'm a cow."
right. What do you do?"
"I make milk for the farmer."
"Cool." The zebra
then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. "Hi, I'm a
zebra. What are you?"
"I'm a chicken."
"Oh, right. What do you do?"
"I make eggs for the farmer."
"Right, great, see ya round." Then the
zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without
the stripes. She ran over to it and said, "hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"
"I am a Stallion," said the stallion.
"Wow," said the zebra. "What do
"Take off your fancy pajamas, darling, and I'll show you."
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have
someone in mind to blame.
The personnel office received an email requesting
a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex.
office sent this reply... "Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have
no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."
A woman walks into her boss's office with this
complaint: "All the other women in the office are suing you for sexual
Since you haven't sexually harassed me, I'm suing you for
A forty-year-old hillbilly carried a younger
hillbilly into the doctor's office, deposited him on the examining table, and
said, "See if you can patch him up soon. I shot up his rear end like it was a
tail on a possum.
"Don't hurt him none, 'cause he's my son-in-law."
doctor said, "Why would you shoot your son-in-law?"
The hillbilly said, "He
warn't my son-in-law when I shot him!"
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining
room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby,
checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was
breastfed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," she replied.
"Well, strip down
to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled,
cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby
is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his
Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
There were two blonde guys working for the city
works department. One's job was to dig a hole and the other would follow behind
him and fill the hole in. They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy
digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at
their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.
So he asked
the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting in your work, but
what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed,"Well, normally we are
a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today"....
A man went to visit his 90 year old Grandfather.
His Grandfather lived in a very remote, secluded, rural area of the state.
After spending the night at the house, his Grandfather prepared a breakfast of
eggs and bacon. As the man was eating he noticed a film like substance on the
plate, and he asked, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?"
replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get 'em, so go on and finish your
Later on that day, Grandfather prepared a lunch of hamburger steak
and new potatoes. As the man was eating he noticed tiny specks around the edge
of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yolk. Concerned about
his health, he asked again, "Grandfather, are you sure that these plates are
Without looking up from his plate, his Grandfather replied, "I told
you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get 'em, now don't ask
me about it any more!"
That evening, the man decided to go out to a
restaurant for dinner in a nearby town. As he walked toward his car, his
Grandfather's dog started to growl and would not let him pass. "Grandfather,"
the man complained, "your dog won't let me by."
Without diverting his
attention from the Mariners game on television, Grandfather shouted-
"Coldwater! Get up and move out of the way and let the boy pass!"..