September - Jokes to teach You!

When I picked up the pot, I could not help noticing that the brew was as black as asphalt and just about as thick.
"How old is the coffee you have here?" I asked the woman who was standing behind the store counter.
She shrugged. "Don't know. Been workin' here only two weeks."

Phrases You Never Want To Hear In News Reports About Yourself

... pilot error ...
... reported hearing demonic voices ...
... history of mental problems ...
... as co-workers scrambled for cover ...
... a grim-faced spokesman said ...
... skeletal remains ...
... gruesome discovery ...
... charred remains ...
... identified by dental records ...
... horrified onlookers ...
... hail of bullets ...
... plea to the abductors ...
... as rescuers watched helplessly ...
... three times the legal blood alcohol limit ...

It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline in the Northwest. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated next to the window.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

Father to his six-year-old-son: "Words are very important. When you talk to our neighbors, just say your aunt likes to crochet. Don't call her the happy hooker!"

There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on in age so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm. The zebra was so excited, she got to see this huge space with green grass and hills and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, "hi, I'm a zebra! What are you?"
"I'm a cow."
"Right, right. What do you do?"
"I make milk for the farmer."
"Cool." The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"
"I'm a chicken."
"Oh, right. What do you do?"
"I make eggs for the farmer."
"Right, great, see ya round." Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, "hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"
"I am a Stallion," said the stallion.
"Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?"
"Take off your fancy pajamas, darling, and I'll show you."

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex.
The personnel office sent this reply... "Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."

A woman walks into her boss's office with this complaint: "All the other women in the office are suing you for sexual harassment.
Since you haven't sexually harassed me, I'm suing you for discrimination."

Hillbilly

A forty-year-old hillbilly carried a younger hillbilly into the doctor's office, deposited him on the examining table, and said, "See if you can patch him up soon. I shot up his rear end like it was a tail on a possum.
"Don't hurt him none, 'cause he's my son-in-law."
The doctor said, "Why would you shoot your son-in-law?"
The hillbilly said, "He warn't my son-in-law when I shot him!"

Breast Fed

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breastfed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

Blonde Guy

There were two blonde guys working for the city works department. One's job was to dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.
So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting in your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again."
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed,"Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today"....

Coldwater!

A man went to visit his 90 year old Grandfather. His Grandfather lived in a very remote, secluded, rural area of the state. After spending the night at the house, his Grandfather prepared a breakfast of eggs and bacon. As the man was eating he noticed a film like substance on the plate, and he asked, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?"
His Grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get 'em, so go on and finish your meal."
Later on that day, Grandfather prepared a lunch of hamburger steak and new potatoes. As the man was eating he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yolk. Concerned about his health, he asked again, "Grandfather, are you sure that these plates are clean?"
Without looking up from his plate, his Grandfather replied, "I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get 'em, now don't ask me about it any more!"
That evening, the man decided to go out to a restaurant for dinner in a nearby town. As he walked toward his car, his Grandfather's dog started to growl and would not let him pass. "Grandfather," the man complained, "your dog won't let me by."
Without diverting his attention from the Mariners game on television, Grandfather shouted- "Coldwater! Get up and move out of the way and let the boy pass!"..

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