October - Jokes to Scare You!

Ten Signs You Are Too Old For Halloween

You get winded from knocking on the door.
You have to have someone chew the candy for you.
You ask for high fiber candy only.
When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and you can't remember the rest.
By the end of the night you have a bag full of restraining orders.
You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hair piece.
You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

It was Halloween and three vampires went into a bar.
"What will you have?" asked the bartender.
"I'll have a glass of blood," replied the first.
"I'll have a glass of blood too please," said the second.
"I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third.
"OK, let me get this straight, " said the bartender, "That'll be two bloods and a blood light?"

The Newfie Mountie:

Two men are driving through Newfoundland when they get pulled over by a Newfie Mountie. The mountie walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window and "WHACK", the Mountie smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver says, "what the hell was that for?"
The Mountie says, "You're in Newfoundland my son. When we pulls you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."
The Mountie runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the Mountie smacks him up side the head with the nightstick too.
The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"
The Mountie says, "Just making your wish come true."
The Passenger says, "huh?"
The Mountie says, "I knows that two miles down the road you're gonna say, "I wish that guy would've tried that with me!"

Microsoft Funnies

A helicopter pilot was flying through Washington state one day, accompanied by a trainee. Halfway to their destination, they noticed, to their dismay, that they didn't have enough fuel to make it to their original destination. After berating the trainee for not properly prepping the aircraft, the pilot says that they will have to find an alternate landing area closer by.
The only problem is that their navigation equipment is out too, and they don't know where they are. The trainee suggests that they could get an approximate fix on their location by identifying a landmark.
The pilot agrees, and gets an idea. He flys the chopper close to a large office building nearby. He hovers outside the window of one of the offices, and draws a large crowd to the window. The pilot then proceeds to scrawl something on a large piece of cardboard. When he is finished, he holds it up so that the office workers can read it. It reads: "Where are we?" Upon seeing this, the office workers immediately form a meeting, where they spend ten minutes having a heated discussion. They finally appear to reach a decision, and one of the workers scrawls something on a piece of cardboard. He walks over to the window and holds it up so the pilot can read it.
It says: "You're in a helicopter."
Upon reading this, the pilot smiles his gratitude, flashes them a thumbs-up, and then proceeds to the nearest heli-pad.
After touching down, the trainee says, "I just don't understand! How could you tell where we were based on that message?"
"Easy," the pilot replies. "When I saw that they had given us an accurate, but totally useless answer, I immediately realized that we must be outside the offices of Microsoft technical support."

Finton and Clayton, from Newfoundland, were visiting a relative in Flin Flon, Manitoba. Walking along Main Street they see a sign in a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 per pair."
Finton says to his pal, "Clayton! Look! Lard jumpin' dines b'y, we could buy a whole kettle of dem, and when we gets back to The Rock, we could make us a fortune. Now listen up der. When we goes intada shop, you keep yer yapper shut my son!. Just let me do all the talkin and finagglin', 'cause if dey hears our accent, dey might not serve us. Eyes be given dem me best Ontario drawl."
They go in and Finton says, "Excuse me sir, but I'll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and....."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "You guys are from Newfoundland, aren't you."
"Yah," says a surprised Finton. "Howja know dat?"
The owner says, "This is a dry-cleaners."

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin'ta tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me.."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either".

Top ten reasons why treat or treating is better than sex.

10.You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9.If you are tired,you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8.The uglier you look,the easier it is to get some.
7.You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6.It's ok when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else,because you are.
5.Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4.If you don't like what you get,you can always go next door.
3.It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2.Less guilt the morning after.
1.You can do the whole neighhorhood.

George Carlin Strikes Again

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans ?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters .

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull dog on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand the curiosity.
She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband." "What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on . very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you... but I stepped on a duck!"

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