1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I
can't even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly
you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with
"Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
4. I don't do drugs. I get
the same effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy
one dog, get one flea..."
6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK.
They know me here.
7. I got a sweater for my birthday. I really wanted a
screamer or a moaner.
8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport
9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many
of them get elected.
10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and
11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one
special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
12. I am a
nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
13. Everyday I beat
my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
14. Only in America do they choose from just two people to run for
president and 50 for Miss America?
15. Isn't having a smoking section in a
restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
16. Why is it
that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
17. Snowmen fall
from Heaven unassembled.
18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can
hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been"
A Christmas Story you must read!
Right before Christmas I was rushing around trying
to get some last minute shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very
fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold and wet in the
parking lot as I was loading my car up with the gifts that I felt obligated to
buy when I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So
mumbling under my breath I retraced my steps to the mall entrance. As I was
searching the wet pavement for the lost reciept I heard a quiet sobbing. The
crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old. He was short
and thin. He had no coat and was wearing just a ragged flannel shirt to protect
him from the cold nights chill. Oddly enough he was holding a hundred dollar
bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents I asked him
what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He has three brothers and four
sisters and his father had died when he was nine. His mother was poorly
educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her
large family but had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her
children christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off by his mother
on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all
his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered
the mall when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and
disappeared into the night.
"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.
The boy said, "I did."
"And nobody came to help you?" I queried.
he boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.
"How loud did
you scream?" I inquired.
The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly
I realized that absolutely no one could have heard
that poor boy cry for help.
So I grabbed his other
hundred and ran to my car.
You didn't see that one coming did you!
HO HO HO Merry Christmas.
Christmas with Louise
This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville
Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over
his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill
them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because
every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his
poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come
true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They
don't sell those things at Wal-Mart.
I had to go to an adult bookstore
downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only
confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?"
"You're kidding me!" and "Who would buy that?"
Finally, I made it to the
inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that
could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool
lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in
many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box,
could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for
"Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a
"doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of
an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan
and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone,
I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also
ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I
went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother
called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made
him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk
away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should
remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they
came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed
Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.
My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with
something like that?" Granny snapped.
I had several candidates in mind, but
kept my mouth shut.
"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the
dining room. But Granny was relentless.
"Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one
wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me
and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"
I told him she was
Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to
Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized
this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We
made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be
killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in
the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around
the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed.
I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell
to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation.
brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her
napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas
to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a
thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered
that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to
Louise went on to star in several bachelor party
I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the
I have been watching you very closely to see if
you have been good this year and since you have I will be telling my elves to
make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to
bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem.
The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the
10 ladies dancing,
the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids
a-milking, and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to
the 7 swans a-swimming.
The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French
hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled
runners in bird droppings.
On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through
menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay
liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas
for the 6th of January.
Maybe next year I will be able to get my act
together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your
self down to Walmart before everything is gone.
As a trucker stops for a red light a blonde
catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the
door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and
you are losing some of your load!"
The trucker ignores her and proceeds
down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girls catches
up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the
trucker lowers the window. As if they have never spoken, the blonde says
brightly, " Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the
street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of
breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. The
trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are
losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green, the trucker revs up
and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of
the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window and as she
lowers it, he says...
"Hi my name is Bruce, it's winter in New Brunswick an
I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!!"
In Honor of Stupid People
In case you needed further proof that the human
race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (Damn,
and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos --
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving
suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu
dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot
after heating." (...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron
-- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?
Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery
after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of
construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds
off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause
drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of
Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)?
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (now,
somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing
of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I
blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt
to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my God...was there a lot of
this happening somewhere?)
Holy Land Adventure
A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his
wife and mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies. They go to an undertaker who
explains that they can ship the body home but that it'll cost over $5000,
whereas they can bury her in the Holy Land for only $150.
The guy says,
"We'll ship her home."
The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an
awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."
The guy says,
"Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from
the dead. I just can't take that chance."
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on
sex, marriage, and values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we
got married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very
carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife
$775 a week,"
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every
now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside,
and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither, doc,"
said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
Two days after Christmas
'Twas two days after Christmas, and all through
Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse.
The toys were
all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor,
While upstairs the
family, continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks, and jeans,
Went into the kitchen and started to clean.
When out on the lawn there
arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window, I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and
threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so
lively and grand,
The patch on his jacket said "CANADA Postman."
handful of bills, he grinned like a fox,
Then quickly he stuffed them into
Bill after bill, after bill they still came,
shouting, he called them by name.
"Now Zeller's, now Wal-Mart, now Old Navy
Here's Visa, MasterCard, Home Sense and Pier's."
"To the tip
of your limit, every store, every mall,
Now charge away, charge away,
charge away all."
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work;
he filled up the box, and turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck,
and he drove down the road, D
riving much faster now, with just half a load.
Then I heard him exclaim, with great holiday cheer,
"Enjoy what you
got... You'll be paying all year"
Merry Christmas Everyone!!