February - Some
This guy walks into a bar and the bartender
immediately notices how depressed this guy is. "Give me a beer", said the guy.
"Sure thing," said the bartender, "by the way, why the long face?
just found out my oldest son is gay", replied the guy.
The next day the
same guy walks back into the bar and orders a beer and a few shots of whiskey.
"Whats wrong now?", asked the bartender noticing he is twice as depressed
as the day before.
"I just found out my youngest son is gay too."
next day the same guy walks in with tears pouring out of his eyes.
doesn't anyone in your house like women?", asked the bartender.
said, "Yeah, my wife!"
A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you
connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find
out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."
The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and And room
"Sarah Finkel, room 302."
"I'll connect you with the nursing
3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"
"I'd like to know
the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."
"Just a moment. Let me look at
her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals,
her blood pressure is fine, to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of
hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her
home Tuesday at noon."
The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's
fantastic... that's wonderful news!"
The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm,
I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"
I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me crap!
A GREAT BLONDE JOKE
A lawyer and a blonde woman happen to be sitting
next to each other on a long flight from L.A. to New York. The lawyer leans
over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired
and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the
window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game
is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works . . .. " I ask
you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa.
Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the
match, so he makes another offer. " Okay, how about this . . . If you don't
know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there
will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question . . " What's the distance from the
earth to the moon ?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse,
pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the
blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer . . . "What goes up a hill with three legs,
and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.
He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He
taps into the Air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and even the
Library of Congress. Frustrated he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and
friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the
answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.
lawyer, who cannot imagine what the answer is, and is going nuts trying to
figure it out, is more than a little frustrated! He wakes the blonde and asks .
. "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four ?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back
FIFTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN by Dave
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a
sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify,
in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will
achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a
very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to
share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we
observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman
that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an
actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when
you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday.
That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings,
regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is
that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember
that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the
FINAL Thought for the day:
Men are like a fine wine. They
start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until
they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
A couple of redneck hunters are out in the woods
when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his
eyes are rolled back in his head. The other redneck starts to panic, then whips
out his cell phone and calls 911.
He frantically blurts out to the
operator, "O my gawd! Help! My friend just died. He's Dead! What can I do?"
The operator, trying to calm him says, "Take it easy. I can help. Just
listen to me and follow my instructions. First, lets make sure he's dead."
There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!!
The redneck comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a
baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much
consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's
family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After six children, this started to
get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss
the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the
clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!"
Silence fell upon the congregation. In the back of the room a little old
lady stood up and in her frail voice said: "snow and rain are also acts of God,
but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!"
A newfie calls up his lawyer and asks. "With all
them there lawsuits going on, I'm feeling kinda left out . . . how do I get in
on some of that action ?" "I hear that people are suing the cigarette companies
cause they got cancer, and others are suing the Big Mac company cause they got
His lawyer asks, "And which one of those categories do you
fit under ?"
The dear ole newfie, God bless his soul, answers . . .
"Neither, I just wanna know if I can sue Labatt's for all the ugly women I've
slept with ?"
Paddy the famous Irishman
Paddy the famous Irishman is driving home after
downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he
sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too
late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves
again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course,
causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees. Moments later he
hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop.
officer, approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing.
Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him
mid sentence and says,
"Fer Chris sakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!"
A young Irish woman went to London to work as a
secretary and began sending home money and gifts to her parents. After a few
years they asked her to come home for a visit, as her father was getting frail
and elderly. She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out
wearing furs and diamonds. As she walked Into the house her father said
"Hmmm - they seem to be paying Secretaries awfully well in London."
daughter took his hands and said "Dad - I've been meaning to tell you something
for years but I didn't want to put it in a letter. I can't hide it from you any
longer. Ive become a prostitute."
Her father gasped, put his hand on
his heart and keeled over. The doctor was called but the old man had clearly
lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the priest was called.
priest began to administer the sacrament of extreme unction, with the mother
and daughter weeping and wailing, the old man muttered weakly "I'm a goner --
killed by my own daughter! Killed by the shame of what you've become!"
"Please forgive me", his daughter sobbed, "I only wanted to have nice
things! I wanted to be able to send you money and the only way I could do it
was by becoming a prostitute."
Pushing the priest aside, the old man sat
bolt upright in bed smiling "
Did you say prostitute?...I thought you said
GOOD CATHOLIC JOKE
This married man goes to the confessional and
says to his priest, "I had an affair with a woman. almost.."
says, "What do you mean, almost?"
The man says, "Well, we undressed and
rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest says, "Rubbing together is
the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. Now say 5 Hail
Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves the confessional, goes
over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a
moment and then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly
runs over to him and says, "I saw that you didn't put any money in the poor
The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
apparently that's the same as putting it in!"
Why I Love New Brunswick
When it's winter time in New
The gentle breezes blow,
About seventy miles an hour
it's fifty-two below.
You can tell you're in New Brunswick,
snow's up to your butt, A
nd you take a breath of winter air
nose holes both freeze shut.
The weather here is wonderful,
So I guess
I'll hang around; I
could NEVER leave New Brunswick now,
My feet are
frozen to the ground.
Osama Bin Laden and the Newfies
Osama Bin Laden was sitting in his cave wondering
which country to invade next when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, Mr. Laden" a
heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, down 'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in
Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada. I am callin' to tells ya dat we are
officially declaring war on you!"
"Well Archie," Osama replied, "This is
indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Archie,
after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my
next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes
Osama paused. "I must tell you Archie, that I have one million men
in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll
have ta call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr.
Laden, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry
"And what equipment would that be Archie?", Osama asked.
"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."
Osama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000
armoured personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half
million since we last spoke."
"Lard T'underin' Jaysus, bye", said Archie,
"I'll be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.
"Mr. Laden, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We
up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the
cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"
silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I
have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is
surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last
spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jeysus, Mary and Joseph,"
said Archie, "I'll have ta call youse back."
Sure enough, Archie called
again the next day. "Mr. Laden! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had
to call off dis 'ere war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Osama. "Why the
sudden change of heart?"
"Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves
down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize that dere's
no way we can feed two million prisoners."