February - Some Cool Jokes!

Sad Guy!

This guy walks into a bar and the bartender immediately notices how depressed this guy is. "Give me a beer", said the guy.
"Sure thing," said the bartender, "by the way, why the long face?
"I just found out my oldest son is gay", replied the guy.
The next day the same guy walks back into the bar and orders a beer and a few shots of whiskey.
"Whats wrong now?", asked the bartender noticing he is twice as depressed as the day before.
"I just found out my youngest son is gay too."
The next day the same guy walks in with tears pouring out of his eyes.
"God doesn't anyone in your house like women?", asked the bartender.
The guy said, "Yeah, my wife!"

Condition ????

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."
The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and And room number?"
"Sarah Finkel, room 302."
"I'll connect you with the nursing station." "
3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"
"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."
"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."
The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!"
The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"
"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me crap!

A GREAT BLONDE JOKE

A lawyer and a blonde woman happen to be sitting next to each other on a long flight from L.A. to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works . . .. " I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa. Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer. " Okay, how about this . . . If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question . . " What's the distance from the earth to the moon ?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer . . . "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.

He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who cannot imagine what the answer is, and is going nuts trying to figure it out, is more than a little frustrated! He wakes the blonde and asks . . "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four ?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

FIFTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN by Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

FINAL Thought for the day:
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Redneck 911

A couple of redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other redneck starts to panic, then whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He frantically blurts out to the operator, "O my gawd! Help! My friend just died. He's Dead! What can I do?"
The operator, trying to calm him says, "Take it easy. I can help. Just listen to me and follow my instructions. First, lets make sure he's dead."
There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!!
The redneck comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"

Preacher's Salary

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!"
Silence fell upon the congregation. In the back of the room a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said: "snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!"

Newfie Humor

A newfie calls up his lawyer and asks. "With all them there lawsuits going on, I'm feeling kinda left out . . . how do I get in on some of that action ?" "I hear that people are suing the cigarette companies cause they got cancer, and others are suing the Big Mac company cause they got themselves fat."
His lawyer asks, "And which one of those categories do you fit under ?"
The dear ole newfie, God bless his soul, answers . . . "Neither, I just wanna know if I can sue Labatt's for all the ugly women I've slept with ?"

Paddy the famous Irishman

Paddy the famous Irishman is driving home after downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees. Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop.
The officer, approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing.
Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says,
"Fer Chris sakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!"

Irish prostitute

A young Irish woman went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home money and gifts to her parents. After a few years they asked her to come home for a visit, as her father was getting frail and elderly. She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing furs and diamonds. As she walked Into the house her father said
"Hmmm - they seem to be paying Secretaries awfully well in London."
The daughter took his hands and said "Dad - I've been meaning to tell you something for years but I didn't want to put it in a letter. I can't hide it from you any longer. I’ve become a prostitute."
Her father gasped, put his hand on his heart and keeled over. The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the priest was called.
As the priest began to administer the sacrament of extreme unction, with the mother and daughter weeping and wailing, the old man muttered weakly "I'm a goner -- killed by my own daughter! Killed by the shame of what you've become!"
"Please forgive me", his daughter sobbed, "I only wanted to have nice things! I wanted to be able to send you money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute."
Pushing the priest aside, the old man sat bolt upright in bed smiling "
Did you say prostitute?...I thought you said PROTESTANT!!

GOOD CATHOLIC JOKE

This married man goes to the confessional and says to his priest, "I had an affair with a woman. almost.."
The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?"
The man says, "Well, we undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. Now say 5 Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves the confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in!"

Why I Love New Brunswick

When it's winter time in New Brunswick
The gentle breezes blow,
About seventy miles an hour
And it's fifty-two below.
You can tell you're in New Brunswick,
'Cause the snow's up to your butt, A
nd you take a breath of winter air
And your nose holes both freeze shut.
The weather here is wonderful,
So I guess I'll hang around; I
could NEVER leave New Brunswick now,
My feet are frozen to the ground.

Osama Bin Laden and the Newfies

Osama Bin Laden was sitting in his cave wondering which country to invade next when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, Mr. Laden" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, down 'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada. I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well Archie," Osama replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Osama paused. "I must tell you Archie, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Laden, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Archie?", Osama asked.
"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."
Osama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lard T'underin' Jaysus, bye", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "Mr. Laden, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"
Osama was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jeysus, Mary and Joseph," said Archie, "I'll have ta call youse back."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "Mr. Laden! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Osama. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize that dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

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