March - Fresh thawed Humor!!

The Pastor's Ass

A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third.
The next day the local paper carried this headline:
PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00 This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.

Moods of a Woman

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A Woman is a bundle of contradiction.
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her mate alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose.
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than Brandy, milder than milk.
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison and love you like mad.

Moods of a Man

Horny. Sleepy. Hungry

Things to Ponder...

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

Why are Trix only for kids?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

Is Disney World the only people-trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window

LIFE FIGURED OUT......

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing either. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".

One evening last week, my wife and I got into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I'm obviously not in tune with her emotional needs as a "Woman". I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I go to sleep.

The very next day we went shopping at a big department store... I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK. She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register.

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You obviously are not in tune with my financial needs as a man."

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the spring of 2005.

MR. O'MALLEY

O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order."
O'Malley was shocked and saddened. But, being of solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room, to his son who had been waiting, O'Malley said," Well son, we folk celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.
O'Malley told them that they celebrated the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered in his confusion, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

Stuff You should know:

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (OMG!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. Creepy. (I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes...lucky pig ... can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....)
A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)

WHO SAYS UNIVERSITY ISN'T TOUGH?

These four friends from Saint John were so confident that, the weekend before their final exam in Chemistry that they would pass, they decided to go up to Fredericton and party with some friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the drinking and partying, they slept in and didn't make it back to Saint John until Monday morning hung over. Rather than trying to take the exam then, they decided to find their professor afterward and explain to him why they missed it and see if they could make it up.
They explained to him that they had gone to Fredericton for the weekend, planned to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day.
The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them.
He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, which was worth five points. It was something simple (for a Chemistry student, anyway) about free radical formation. "Cool," they all thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. "This is going to be easy." Each finished the first problem and then turned the page.
On the second page was written: "(For 95 points): Which tire?"

Something To Crow About

Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose jobs were to fertilize the eggs. Zeb kept records, and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot, and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of time, so Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was too, only his bell had not rung all morning!
Zeb went to investigate. Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing! BUT, Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair.
Brewster was an overnight sensation!! The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize;
he was also given the - -







are you sure you're ready for this - - -













absolutely sure??











The Pulletsurprise :)

Following the instructions!

An idealistic young doctor volunteered for two years' service with the Peace Corps. He was put in charge of a population control program in a remote Nepalese hill town. It turned out to be impossible for the women to keep track of birth control pills, so the doctor decided to concentrate on the use of condoms.
His first patient was a man whose wife had given birth to six children in as many years, and neither wanted more. The doctor explain to the man how the sheaths worked, and said that if he wore one conscientiously, his wife would not get pregnant.
So he was surprised when the fellow's came in a month later and he found she was pregnant again.
"What happened?"he scolded. "All your husband had to do was keep the condom on - is that so difficult?"
"He try, he try very hard," stammered the poor woman, "but after three days he have to go pee so bad he cut the end off."

DOH!

Password

A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up his computer. She asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with. Wanting to embarrass the female, he told her to enter "penis". Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She almost died laughing at the computer's response:

PASSWORD REJECTED.NOT LONG ENOUGH.

Warning Labels

Due to the use of increasing product liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be put on the outside of alcoholic beverages:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may give you, and only you, the impression that every little thought that enters your mind is absolutely brilliant and worth sharing and repeating several times throughout the evening.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

Job Opening

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background check, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists .... Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes.
"I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair"

Moral of the story: Women are evil. Don't mess with them

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