April - It's Raining Jokes!

NO SPEEKA DA ENGLIS

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is grabbed when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig" shouts the lady indignantly. "In this country....we don't speak aloud in pubic places about our sex lives.........
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

I BET YOU READ THIS AGAIN!!!

Rednecks

Bubba & Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when they decided to bet in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti.
Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti!
How about you, how's that toilet brush?"
" Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."

Quips

1. Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole
2. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
3. The proctologist called, they found your head.
4. Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film
5. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
6. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
7. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
8. Hang up and drive.
9. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
10. Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
11. Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself.
12. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
13. Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
14. Welcome to America...Now speak English

Crazy Singers

It was visitors day at the lunatic asylum. All the inmates were standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria." And singing it beautifully. Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil. A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached the conductor.
"I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard."
"Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.
"You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "what are they called?"
"In the beginning this was a big problem. One inmate wanted to call them the Big Apple with Little Brown Seeds Singing Sons of Siam, but I said it was too long and, anyway, no one was from Siam."
"Then, another thought The Pencil Leads was a good name but the others disagreed because they had no one to write to.
"Well," the visitor asked, "What name did they finally agree on?"
"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor. "They all agreed to call themselves the ... (see below)













Ready????













The Moron Tapanapple Choir."

You Must Be Single

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her, watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier.
He said, "You must be single."
The woman, a bit startled, but intrigued, looked at her four items on the belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections said, "Well, y'know, that's right. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk said, "Cause you're uglier 'n crap."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde... She thought a quarterback was a refund. She thought General Motors was in the army. She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. At the bottom of an application where it says "sign here," she wrote " Sagittarius.".

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde... She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept. She sent a fax with a stamp on it. She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools. She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics".

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde... She tripped over a cordless phone. She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said, "Concentrate". She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK." She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde... She studied for a blood test. She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train." She sold the car for gas money. When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde... When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company. She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless. She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening. She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front"

Preventative Maintenance is a Good Thing!

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet, rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the women's bathroom

The Old Preacher

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything.
Both the IRS agent and the lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. But they were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed and covetousness that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the lawyer said, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come."
The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."

Fortune Teller

A man was at the county fair when he happened upon a fortune teller's tent. Thinking, "What the heck, it'll be good for a laugh or two," he dashed inside and sat down.
The fortune teller took his money, lowered the lights, and gazed into her crystal ball. "Ahhh," she said, "I see you are the father of two children!"
"Ha!" the man said, "That's what you think. I'm the father of THREE children.
" The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think."

Helpful Hints Heloise Forgot To Tell You

Helpful Hint #1 If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Helpful Hint #2 Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away

Helpful Hint #3 Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one And slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Helpful Hint #4 Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes The fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Helpful Hint #5 An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes a Wonderful inexpensive vibrator.

Helpful Hint #6 Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply pissing in the sink.

Helpful Hint #7 High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Helpful Hint #8 A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Helpful Hint #9 If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

Helpful hint #10 Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

LOUD SEX:

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX:

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

CONFOUNDED SEX

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back int o the room, and found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

WOMEN'S HUMOR

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says..... "I'll miss you."

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